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Humor by Yuckitup! Click Here for more jokes, and funny stuff Emo Phillips: Words Of WisdomI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'mgoing to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse. "I'm a great lover, I'll bet. People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." Theguy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---butthere wasn't any gum under any of them. The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said,"I don't know. You can't see out the other way." Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought beforethe judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that statewas. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down andrun around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me,you two!" I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about tojump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said,"Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religiousor atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" Hesaid, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant."I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Metoo! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist churchof god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformedbaptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Areyou reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god,reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" Isaid, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars forthe second glass. The refill contained the antidote. I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunatelythe police made him get back into his car before he got too far. The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paperclip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more thanmake up the difference." A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before Irealized it had a scratch on it. You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?" and I said "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says: "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya weirdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing."He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarrassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?"I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test obsessive complusiveness."And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look like?"I said it looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation. He said, "No, uh, the inkblot is over there, that's a picture of my wife you're looking at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate Easter bunny and I ate the bunny. Then I thought: hey, this isn't Easter. "Is this a test?" And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eatenthe feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies." "Well, go on...what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me' ?" He said, "It means you have a tendency for self destruction." I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
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