justinsane
Bird on Grandma’s Head
Grandpa and Grandma were walking outdoors when a pegeon flew overhead. The bird took this moment to relieve itself and it’s package landed squarely on Grandpa’s head.
Seeing the mess, Grandma said, “I wish we had some toilet tissue.”
Grandpa replied, “What good would it do. He’s probably a half a mile away by now.”
The Alaskan Parrot Joke
One very cold day a little green parrot was flying through Alaska. The morehe flew the colder he got, and the slower he flew. Soon he could not beathis wings fast enough to keep him in the air, and he plummeted to the icyground.THWACK!As he lay there breathing his last breaths, along comes a cow.And lays a big steaming pat right on top of the little parrot. All of asudden the little parrot starts to warm up and thaw out, and as he movesaround he starts to whistle a happy tune. Who should hear the happy tune but a passing cat who thinks “MMMM Dinner”.He digs in the pt until he finds the parrot and eats him whole.THE MORAL OF THE STORY-Those who get you into sh*t are not necessarily your enemies,and those that get you out of sh*t are not necessarily your friends.And if you find yourself somewhere safe and warm – keep your mouth shut!!!-submitted by Louisa Dickson
A Parrot Who Never Talks
There’s a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice.
The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.
“Your parrot has too much hook in it’s beak. What you have to do is file it’s beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You’ve got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off, the bird will drown the first time he has a drink.”
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says, “$100.” So the parrot fancier decides he’ll do it himself.
A week or so later they bump into one another on the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says, “the parrots dead”.
Pet shop guy says, “I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?”
Ex-parrot owner says, “Heck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!”
The Farmer Gets a Parrot
A farmer buys a mated pair of parrots. Every time he looks in the cage the male parrot is making it with the female. The next day the female dies. The farmer gets incensed and throws the male out of the house.
The next day the farmer sees dead hens lying all about the feed lot. The parrot is staggering around, worn out, but looking for another hen. The farmer goes for the shotgun, but when he comes back, the parrot’s gone.
During the next week, the farmer finds dead bird carcasses all around the farm, but can’t find the parrot.
One afternoon, he spots the parrot lying on its back, its feet in the air, feathers all torn and scruffy. The farmer walks up to it and says, “Finally sc**ed yourself to death, did you?”
With one wing, the parrot points to buzzards circling in the sky, winks lecherously, and says, “Shhh.”
The Caroling Parrot
A few days before Christmas, man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.The manager tells him he has just what he is looking for, a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful, but quite bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but doesn’t seem to be much for singing. The managers tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing “Silent Night, Holy Night…”.
The man becomes very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter to Chet’s right foot. Chet now begins to sing Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the Way…”. The man says that Chet is perfect and that he will take him.
He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the birds and begins to Silent Night, Holy Night again. He then moves the lighter under Chet’s right foot and again Chet lets loose with a round of Jingle Bells.
The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing ” Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!…”
Massage Parlour Parrot
Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said:
“Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!”
Later that day the woman’s two daughters arrived home from high school.Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:
“Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!”
Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked:
“Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G’day Jimmy!”
Rabbit Jokes
A hare brain.
What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.
What has two fuzzy pink ears and writes?
A ballpoint bunny.
What’s the best way to catch a wild rabbit?
Stand in the woods and make a sound like a carrot.
What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
You ‘nique up on him.
What’s the best way to catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
How many hairs in a rabbit’s tail?
None, they’re all on the outside.
How are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply really fast.
Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do you call a rabbit who swims with sharks?
Dinner; rabbit stew; a dumb bunny; a hare brain.
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the gray hares.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with aboyscout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew?
When it has hares in it.
Where was the rabbit when the lights went out?
In the dark.
What is a rabbit’s favorite movie musical?
Hare.
What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A funny bunny.
Why did the Rabbit cross the road?
The chicken retired and moved to Florida.
What kind of rabbits live at the North Pole?
Lost rabbits.
What do rabbits have that nothing else has?
Baby rabbits.
How many rabbits can you fit in an empty phone booth?
One, after that it isn’t empty.
What do rabbits get when it rains?
Wet.
What is a rabbit’s favourite dance?
The Bunny Hop.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
14 carrot gold.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
Why can a rabbit hop higher than the CN Tower?
The CN Tower can’t hop.
How can you tell a rabbit from a gorilla?
A rabbit doesn’t look like a gorilla.
What kinds of rabbits eat with their ears?
All rabbits eat with their ears, they can’t take them off.
What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?
One with a hoppy ending.
Waitress, what’s this hare doing in my soup?
Looks like the back stroke.
Fish Jokes
Where do shellfish go to borrow money ?
To the prawn broker !
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather !
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ?
He prawned everything !
Which fish can perform operations ?
A Sturgeon !
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys ?
He got lockjaw !
Where do fish wash ?
In a river basin !
Why did the whale cross the road ?
To get to the other tide !
Where do little fishes go every morning ?
To plaice school !
What fish goes up the river at 100mph ?
A motor pike !
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark ?
As far away as possible !
Cat Jokes
What looks like half a cat ?
The other half !!
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?
She had mittens !
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?
A carrot !!
How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as everyone else – they put it in their mouths!!
What is a French cat’s favourite pudding ?
Chocolate mousse !
What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not tabby !
What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?
I’m paw !
How do you know if you cat’s got a bad cold ?
He has cat-arrh !
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
She’s got that down in the mouth look !
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !
More Dog Jokes
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!
What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly collie
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound !
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
