Defendant’s excuse
In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, “Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere.” At which point, the defendant bursts out, “You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!”
Last Will and Testament
Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s bestfriend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:
“Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want other and take the rest for yourself.” Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.
The family is beside itself. “This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can’t be!” So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: “To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased.” Needless to say,the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. “Your honor, how can you do this?The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’ I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?”
The judge answered back, “Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life.He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, “give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’ No. What Sam said was, “Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself.”
Don’t mess with a doctor
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
“Dobbins,” he said, “What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice.”
“Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?”
“How would I know? You told the jury I wasn’t fit to be a doctor.”
“I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don’t know what you’re saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?”
“Your diagnosis is as good as mine.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine.”
“Doc, I’m climbing the wall. Give me something.”
“Let’s say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?”
“I’ll sign a paper that I won’t sue.”
“Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: ‘Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?’ Dr. Green: ‘I’ve treatedhundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.’ Dobbins: ‘It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?’ Green: ‘No,there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.’ Dobbins: ‘You and your ilk make me sick.’ ”
“Why are you reading that to me?”
“Because, Dobbins, since the trial I’ve lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping …”
“Please, Doc, I don’t want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol.”
“You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I’ve changed my ways, Dobbins. I don’t prescribe drugs anymore.”
“Then get me another doctor.”
“There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I’m here is that after themal practice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice.”
“If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court.”
“You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone.”
“You can’t tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him.”
“That’s what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.Remember on the third day day when you called me the ‘Butcher of Operating Room6′? That afternoon I said to my wife, “That man is going to be in a lot of pain.’ ”
“Okay, Doc, you’ve had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?”
“I better check you out first.”
“Don’t check me out, just give the dope.”
“But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn’t do it now. Do youmind getting up on the scale?”
“What for?”
“To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were.”
“I’m not going to sue you.”
“You say that now. But how can I be sure you won’t file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?”
Drunk Driver Hearing
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jurywould take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?”
The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”
Courtroom Humor
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: “At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?”
Farmer: “That’s right.”
Attorney: “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?”
Farmer: “When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.
