Don’t get caught tactic.
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband’s key in the lock. “Hurry,” she said to the repairman, “you’ll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.” There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, “I didn’t see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?”
Give him another chance.
A football coach looked over to his star player and said, “I know I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math but we need you in there. How about I ask you a math question to prove you know your math so you can play?” The player agreed and the coach asked the following question, “Okay, what is 2+2?” The player thought for a moment nd then he answered, “4.” Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”
Goal Keeper Punts Baby
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to here chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, “Throw down your baby and I’ll catch it!” “No! No!” the woman shouts back. “You might miss or drop my baby and the she’ll be killed!” “No I won’t!” shouts the man. “I am Alec Maguire. I’m the goal keeper for Ireland’s national football [soccer] team. I’ve never missed a match in ten years and in all that time, I have never let the ball into my net.” “What? Not once?” calls the woman. “No!” shouts back the man. “Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goal keeper there has ever been.” And with that he adopts the classic goal keepers stance, legs apart and sightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward. “Okay!” screams the woman. “I’ll trust you. I’ve no choice! Her she comes!” So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby’s shawl catches on the woman’s watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man. The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-struck Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground then punts her 60 yards down the road.
God’s Knight
Each day before I get out of bed, I try to dress myself in the full Armor of God. I say, ‘Okay, I want to be fully prepared for spiritual battle. I’m putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I’m putting on the Breastplate of Righteousness, and I’m confessing all of my sins, anything that might stand between me and God. I’m putting on the Shield of Faith to ward off the fiery darts of the Devil. I’m girding my loins with the Belt of Truth, and I’m shoeing my feet in the Gospel of Peace.’ Finally, I take as my offensive weapon, my sword, the Bible, and I go forward, fully dressed in the Armor of God. (yeah, but he forgot his umbrella) – Joe Gibbs, football analyst for NBC Sports (former Washington Redskins coach). In Life magazine, “Why We Pray”, p. 57, March 1994.
An example of how to get an idea for your thesis.
There is a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle, and walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
Evaluation raw recruits secrets.
Found in Bill Kirby’s “Piney Woods Wit” column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga 20 June 1991 A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. “Well,” he said, “I take ‘em out in the woods and make ‘em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen.”.
Three men in heaven.
Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter questioned each man:
St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ? First man: 210. St. Peter: Wow! That’s really high, maybe we should discuss the Theory of Relativity sometime.
St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ? Second man: 170. St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime.
St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ? Third man: 70. St. Peter: Well… How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?
High school football players for 1989 recruiting season.
The University of Oklahoma Department of Recruiting Norman, Oklahoma % Founded 1900 % Football since 1940 % Basketball since 1952 % Academics beginning 2014 The University of Oklahoma is pleased to announce the following commitments of high school football players for the 1989 recruiting season:
Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6’6″, 190, Wide Receiver Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number of “You knows” during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name.
Cletis Quentious Jenkins: 6’2″, 190, Running Back Set state scoring record out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2 seconds with a 25″ TV under his arm.
Roosevelt “Dude” Danzell: 6’1″, 185, Running Back Home town, West Memphis, Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams fairly well. Before he signs a letter of intent, he wants OU to change uniform colors to chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as “Red Brick.”
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6’8″, 275, Tackle Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14 children. Mother indicates Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same father. Has manslaughter trial pending but feels confident of being found innocent. Says, “The bum say somethin’ bad ’bout my momma.” On OU entrance form, lists IQ as 20-20.
Willie “Night Train” Smith: 6’4″, 175, Quarterback Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he’s now 26-years old. Thinks the “N” on Nebraska’s helmet stands for “Nowledge,” but still meets OU academic requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It matches his score on SAT.
Tyrone “Python” Peeples: 6’10″, 180, Wide Receiver Home town Cuero, Texas. Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other five will file charges. Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but also willing to sign with OU. Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Abdul Aba Ali: 6’8″, 245, Guard Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones. Thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know the meaning of the word “fear”. Does not know the meaning of a lot of other words, either.
Houston Oilers Football Schedule
Houston Oilers Football Schedule For 1997
September 5 Arnold Junior High
12 Cub Scout Troop 101
19 Houston Blind Academy
26 Spanish-American War Vets
October 3 Crippled Children’s Home
10 St. Cloud Home for Wayward Girls
17 Girl Scout Troop 465
24 Kilgore Rangerettes
31 Houston Symphony
November 7 Korean War Amputees
14 VA Hospital Amputees
21 Greater Houston Ret. Nurses
28 Montrose Gay Singles Special Monday Night Games
December 6 Utopia Gay Girls
December 13 Harris County Felons
December 20 Houston Area Polio Survivors
Rule Changes From Last Year
1. When playing the polio patients, the Oilers must not disconnect leg braces.
2. When playing the Girl Scouts, the Oilers must not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the Blind Academy, the Oilers cannot hide the football under their jerseys.
4. When playing the amputees, the Oilers cannot file any protests about players with one leg being hard to tackle.
5. When playing any teams who are registered with Queer Nation, these teams will not have holding calls assessed against them.
6. When playing the Harris County Felons, all of the Felons must wear leg and wrist irons including the Quarterback and Kickers.
Rules Carried Forward From Last Year
1. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you Oilers fans who have never seen one) is still worth 21 points.
2. The Oilers will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
3. The Oilers will be allowed to substitute with Band members or cheerleaders.
4. The Oilers will be allowed 20 time outs as opposed to 3 for the other teams
5. The Oilers will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards or more. Name Changes The Houston Oilers name will be changed to the Houston Tampons as they are only good for one period and don’t have a second string. Coaching Changes Jack Pardee will be replaced by Linda Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few, but she won’t choke on the Big Ones!
