jokes on famous people

Gay…

In Melbourne in May 1994, Australian Rules football player Russell Prowse was ejected from a game and severely reprimanded by the league. He had attempted to diffuse a potential brawl by grabbing opponent Scott Cameron and kissing him flush on the lips. Prowse’s gambit worked: Cameron reportedly staggered back, a hush came over the players and order was restored.

Gas Station Bully.

Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station upon retirement from the NFL. A visitor to town asked whether or not he was successful. “Once someone gets gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else”, a local told him. “Is the service that good?” asked the visitor. “No, not really.” said the local. “Does he have the best price?” “About the same as everybody else.” “Then the gas must be better.” “No, it’s just regular gas.” “Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?” “Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Bronco Nagurski can get it back off.”

God’s Knight

Each day before I get out of bed, I try to dress myself in the full Armor of God. I say, ‘Okay, I want to be fully prepared for spiritual battle. I’m putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I’m putting on the Breastplate of Righteousness, and I’m confessing all of my sins, anything that might stand between me and God. I’m putting on the Shield of Faith to ward off the fiery darts of the Devil. I’m girding my loins with the Belt of Truth, and I’m shoeing my feet in the Gospel of Peace.’ Finally, I take as my offensive weapon, my sword, the Bible, and I go forward, fully dressed in the Armor of God. (yeah, but he forgot his umbrella) – Joe Gibbs, football analyst for NBC Sports (former Washington Redskins coach). In Life magazine, “Why We Pray”, p. 57, March 1994.

High school football players for 1989 recruiting season.

The University of Oklahoma Department of Recruiting Norman, Oklahoma % Founded 1900 % Football since 1940 % Basketball since 1952 % Academics beginning 2014 The University of Oklahoma is pleased to announce the following commitments of high school football players for the 1989 recruiting season:

Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6’6″, 190, Wide Receiver Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number of “You knows” during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name.

Cletis Quentious Jenkins: 6’2″, 190, Running Back Set state scoring record out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2 seconds with a 25″ TV under his arm.

Roosevelt “Dude” Danzell: 6’1″, 185, Running Back Home town, West Memphis, Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams fairly well. Before he signs a letter of intent, he wants OU to change uniform colors to chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as “Red Brick.”

Woodrow Lee Washington: 6’8″, 275, Tackle Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14 children. Mother indicates Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same father. Has manslaughter trial pending but feels confident of being found innocent. Says, “The bum say somethin’ bad ’bout my momma.” On OU entrance form, lists IQ as 20-20.

Willie “Night Train” Smith: 6’4″, 175, Quarterback Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he’s now 26-years old. Thinks the “N” on Nebraska’s helmet stands for “Nowledge,” but still meets OU academic requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It matches his score on SAT.

Tyrone “Python” Peeples: 6’10″, 180, Wide Receiver Home town Cuero, Texas. Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other five will file charges. Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but also willing to sign with OU. Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Abdul Aba Ali: 6’8″, 245, Guard Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones. Thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know the meaning of the word “fear”. Does not know the meaning of a lot of other words, either.

Pete Rose Moving to Seattle

The rumor is that Pete Rose is thinking of moving to Seattle. Yes, he wants to get as far away from professional baseball as possible. (The Seattle team has had seven consecutive losing seasons.)

Yogi Berra Quotes

  • Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
  • Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
  • Because it gets late early., on why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.
  • If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.
  • It ain’t over till it’s over.
  • It’s deja vu all over again.
  • No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.
  • We have very deep depth!
  • We made too many wrong mistakes.
  • You can observe a lot by just watching.
  • You don’t look so hot, either. (on being told by the mayor’s wife that he looked cool, despite the heat.)

Casey Stengel Quotes

Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

Great Baseball Quotes from Long Beach(CA)

Great baseball quotes, from the Long Beach (CA) Independent Press-Telegram,March 22, 1989.

It’s a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden, you’re surrounded by reporters and TV men with cameras asking you about Vietnam andrace relations. – Vida Blue, 1971.

I watch a lot of baseball on the radio. – Gerald Ford, 1978.

It’s a beautiful day for a night game. – Announcer Frankie Frisch.

The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen. -Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981.

Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win. – Announcer PhilRizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978.

It was too bad I wasn’t a second baseman; then I’d probably have seen a lot more of my husband. – Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981.

They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn -Casey Stengel, 1962.

I won’t play for a penny less than $1500. – Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000.

Turn the lights on…

This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to Honus Wagner.Way back when Honus played, they didn’t have stadium lights and when it got dark, you couldn’t see what you were doing very well. One time, he was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the out.This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a hare.

1 + 1 = 1

(I’m not sure if the following one is a true story or not) The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, “Ok. Prove that you’re the Pope.” He thought for a while and proclaimed, “I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one.”

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