Free kick in the balls!
A stockbroker from New York City got tired of all the stories of his office colleagues who went duck hunting each year. They frequently boasted of their prowess in the hunt and how many ducks they had bagged. So not to be outdone this broker decides he’s going hunting to show them all up. He buys the most expensive shotgun available, all his hunting clothes and gear from L. L. Bean,gets his license and goes hunting. After an exasperating day of tromping through the marshes and briars without seeing a single duck, he heads back to his car. On the way back, he sees a duckfly overhead. He raises his gun and blazes away at it and actually hit it. The duck fall into a nearby farmyard. As the hunter starts to climb over the fence to retrieve his kill, he’s confronted by a farmer who says, “Where in the hell,do you think you’re going city boy?” The guy replies, “I’m going to get my duck.” The farmer replies, “My property, my duck.” The guy says, “Oh come on, I’ve been out here all day and and that’s the only duck I’ve seen, I shot it, it’s my duck!” The farmer again says, “My property, my duck.” Well, they argued for a few minutes and, finally, the farmer says, “I’ll tell you what, we’ll settle this country style.” The guy says, “What’s that?” The farmer says, “Well, I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and then you kick me in the balls as hard as you can, and we keep this up and the lastman standing keeps the duck.” The guy not wanting to return home empty-handed reluctantly agrees. The farmer wearing large heavy work boots haul back and kicks the guy in the balls with all his might. The guy’s eyes roll back in his head, he coughs and wheezesbut barely manages to remain standing. He composes himself somewhat and says to the farmer, “Okay, now its my turn.” The farmer replies, “You can have the duck.”
More Fishing Jokes
- Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggestfish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishingaround you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won’t make him truthful.
- “Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing everyweekend?” asked Jane’s best friend. “Why shouldn’t I?” Jane inquired. “Well, maybe he is having an affair?” “No way, he returns every time without any fish…”
- Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends?She came home with a red snapper.
- Steven Wright on fishing:Last year, I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. Hecaught every other fish.There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like anidiot.
- Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance:Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back; the big ones, you mount!
- Three Men And A Baby”What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
- In January 1994, at the Lake Como Fish and Game Club near Syracuse, N.Y., BrianCarr beat out three dozen competitors in the annual ice-fishing derby, with 155catches. The temperature that day was minus 30, and the prize money for thetop three anglers was $8, $6.50, and $5.
- A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two localspulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. “That’s what I like to see,”said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.” As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he suredoesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”
- To catch the fish, it’s not how you throw the bait, but how you wiggle yourworm.
- Two morons go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.2nd moron: Yes, I made an ‘X’ on the side of the boat to mark the spot.1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?
- My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.
- I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s theonly time he hears someone tell him, “Wow, that’s a big one!”
- “I didn’t see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playingfootball instead.”"That’s not true, vicar. And I’ve got the fish to prove it!”
Fishing Technique
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn’t even gotten a bite. Jethro asks, “Billy Bob, what’s your secret?” Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.” Jethro asks, “What did you say?” Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.” Jethro again asks, “What?” Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, “You gotta keep the worms warm!”
Evaluation raw recruits secrets.
Found in Bill Kirby’s “Piney Woods Wit” column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga 20 June 1991 A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. “Well,” he said, “I take ‘em out in the woods and make ‘em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen.”.
Basketball Player Tries To Rob His Neighbor
I once read a magazine bio of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted that he took to crime. Let’s call him “Joe” for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood.The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said,”Joe, don’t do this, okay?” To which the player/robber replied, “Naw, it ain’t me, man. It ain’t me.”
Dumb Criminals
Double-barreled bank vault
Jim Nulf, retired from the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department,remembers a couple of midnight bandits who tried to steal money from whatthey thought was a local bank’s night depository. They lit a stick of dynamite,dropped it into the deposit slot and stepped back a few feet. Unfortunatelyfor them, they had confused the bank’s night depository with the drop vaultof a nearby car wash. The dynamite exploded, blowing the front off thevault. The paper money was blown to shreds and the coins were propelledout like shot out of a shotgun, severely wounding the would-be bank robbers.
Dimwit breaks into police surveillance van
I am a police constable with the Niagara Regional Police. Back in April,1995, I was asked to help out with a surveillance project at a local birdwatchingconservation park. We had a problem with purses, cameras and other valuesbeing stolen from parked vehicles at the park, and we wanted to put anend to it.
Here was the setup: We had an old Ford Tempo parked in the lot witha purse on the floor as “bait”. We then parked a nondescriptsurveillance van nearby from which we observed the Tempo. The van had afairly heavy tint on the windows, and we had a great view of the wholelot.My partner and I sat in the back of the van that Sunday morning and beganthe surveillance around 9:30 AM. We were well-supplied with food and drinksfor what we figured would be a long day.
Shortly after 10:00 AM, an old Pontiac Parisienne pulled into the lotand parked beside the surveillance van. Two males got out. The passengerwalked towards the birdwatching area and stopped. The driver got out andput on a pair of gloves. He completely ignored the “bait” vehicle,and tried to look into the back of the surveillance van. He was only inchesfrom me, but apparently couldn’t see me looking back at him. He then triedthe side door, which opened for him. He already had a foot into the vanwhen he noticed the two guys with guns in the back.
He said: “Hi Guys, What’s Up?”
When I got over my surprise, I told him: “You’re busted, that’swhat’s up.”
I then arrested the male with the help of my partner. After turningthe loser over to a uniform car, and sending his passenger on his way,my partner and I had a good laugh about this poor guy who broke into thesurveillance van.
Mommy and Clyde
A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without tellingher he planned to rob it. He told her to wait while he went inside to conducthis business. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash,only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocerystore to do some shopping.
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
A Cleveland drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousinefor a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residenceto sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earna little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handeda camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.The driver, a moonlighting member of the Cleveland Police Department, washappy to comply.
I must be drunk. I can do that when I’m sober
I am a retired sergeant from the Sturbridge Police in Sturbridge, MA.One night one of my officers arrested a subject for driving under the influenceof alcohol. As the officer brought him into the booking room the subjectasked to use the bathroom. He was escorted to the bathroom.
When they returned to the booking area, which is video taped, the subjectran ahead of the officer and attempted to do a back flip and landed onhis face. He picked himself, looked into the camera, and said, “Imust be drunk because I can do that when I’m sober.”
Needless to say, he was convicted for driving under the influence ofalcohol.
Indecent exposure suspect calls cops
A call from an emergency call-box along U.S. 101 turned up a man whoallegedly had exposed himself to two women and eluded police by swimminginto the Bay, said South San Francisco police.
Peter Allen Steele, 29, of Union City, called police to report an assaultand car theft at approximately 2:45 a.m. Saturday, said police. Policearrived to find Steele naked on the side of the road, bruised and shivering.
Two women later identified Steele as the man who Friday night exposedhimself while driving a black Ford Taurus on Gateway Boulevard, said police.
Police received a call about the incident at 11:15 p.m. Friday and beganpursuit. After a chase at speeds over 100 mph, Steele, who stands 6 feet8 inches tall and weighs about 250 pounds, pulled off the highway northof the Sierra Point overpass, fled his car and jumped into the bay, saidpolice.
Police said Steele was not wearing pants when he fled the vehicle.
After searching the area between Candlestick Point and Oyster Pointwith a helicopter and boat, the Coast Guard called off the search at 2:25a.m.
About a half hour later, police received a call from the highway call-boxreporting an assault and car theft.
Steele told police he had been changing a flat tire when a group ofmen assaulted him and stole his black Ford Taurus. Police, however, recognizedSteele as the man they had chased the night before.
Steele was taken to Mills Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame to be treatedfor mild hypothermia and minor injuries. He was issued a citation for indecentexposure, evading pursuit and resisting arrest.
Don’t ask a lawyer to translate.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a rewardwas offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas rangerdecided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to thebandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me whereyou hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloonand translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurtedout, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree inback of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’”
Speedster got caught.
There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace.
The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot.The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket.
The speedster said, “Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!” Whereupon the old J. P. replied, “Keep it, when you get three, you get a bicycle!”
Can’t fool any woman.
A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded “not guilty.” However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.
“Why the change?” asked the judge, “Were you persuaded to plead ‘guilty’?”
“No Sir,” the man replied, “When I pleaded ‘not guilty’, I didn’t know women would be on the jury. I can’t fool one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.”
Defendant’s excuse
In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, “Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere.” At which point, the defendant bursts out, “You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!”
