Misc. Funny Stuff

My eyes are up here


Blonde tries to impress her husband

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

How lawyer do it?

  • Lawyers do it with appeal.
  • Lawyers do it confidentially.
  • Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
  • Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
  • Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
  • Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Does she cook?

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

Men VS Women

Women have many faults
Men only have 2
Everything they say
And everything they do

RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.”

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

COMEDY: Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele- vision, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited – they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s.” It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has at most seven items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT: When a man says he’s ready to go out, it means he’s ready to go out.

When a woman says she’s ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

CATS: Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface – mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head…

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in “Gone With The Wind.”

For men, it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy.”

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS: Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, “Oh, gee, that must hurt.”

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there,” and, “I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.”

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail…

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state- of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS: Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They’re graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the “ceremony.”

Men talk about “the bachelor party.”

GYM SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV’s, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April’s issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 – “What are you thinking?”

The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Baseball
b – Football
c – How fat you are
d – How much prettier she is than you
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 – “Do you love me?”

The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.” Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3 – “Do I look fat?”

The correct male response to this question is to quickly, confidently, and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy

4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 – “What would you do if I died?”

Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:
“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed…”

Dumb Criminals

Double-barreled bank vault

Jim Nulf, retired from the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department,remembers a couple of midnight bandits who tried to steal money from whatthey thought was a local bank’s night depository. They lit a stick of dynamite,dropped it into the deposit slot and stepped back a few feet. Unfortunatelyfor them, they had confused the bank’s night depository with the drop vaultof a nearby car wash. The dynamite exploded, blowing the front off thevault. The paper money was blown to shreds and the coins were propelledout like shot out of a shotgun, severely wounding the would-be bank robbers.

Dimwit breaks into police surveillance van

I am a police constable with the Niagara Regional Police. Back in April,1995, I was asked to help out with a surveillance project at a local birdwatchingconservation park. We had a problem with purses, cameras and other valuesbeing stolen from parked vehicles at the park, and we wanted to put anend to it.

Here was the setup: We had an old Ford Tempo parked in the lot witha purse on the floor as “bait”. We then parked a nondescriptsurveillance van nearby from which we observed the Tempo. The van had afairly heavy tint on the windows, and we had a great view of the wholelot.My partner and I sat in the back of the van that Sunday morning and beganthe surveillance around 9:30 AM. We were well-supplied with food and drinksfor what we figured would be a long day.

Shortly after 10:00 AM, an old Pontiac Parisienne pulled into the lotand parked beside the surveillance van. Two males got out. The passengerwalked towards the birdwatching area and stopped. The driver got out andput on a pair of gloves. He completely ignored the “bait” vehicle,and tried to look into the back of the surveillance van. He was only inchesfrom me, but apparently couldn’t see me looking back at him. He then triedthe side door, which opened for him. He already had a foot into the vanwhen he noticed the two guys with guns in the back.

He said: “Hi Guys, What’s Up?”

When I got over my surprise, I told him: “You’re busted, that’swhat’s up.”

I then arrested the male with the help of my partner. After turningthe loser over to a uniform car, and sending his passenger on his way,my partner and I had a good laugh about this poor guy who broke into thesurveillance van.

Mommy and Clyde

A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without tellingher he planned to rob it. He told her to wait while he went inside to conducthis business. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash,only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocerystore to do some shopping.

Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

A Cleveland drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousinefor a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residenceto sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earna little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handeda camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.The driver, a moonlighting member of the Cleveland Police Department, washappy to comply.

I must be drunk. I can do that when I’m sober

I am a retired sergeant from the Sturbridge Police in Sturbridge, MA.One night one of my officers arrested a subject for driving under the influenceof alcohol. As the officer brought him into the booking room the subjectasked to use the bathroom. He was escorted to the bathroom.

When they returned to the booking area, which is video taped, the subjectran ahead of the officer and attempted to do a back flip and landed onhis face. He picked himself, looked into the camera, and said, “Imust be drunk because I can do that when I’m sober.”

Needless to say, he was convicted for driving under the influence ofalcohol.

Indecent exposure suspect calls cops

A call from an emergency call-box along U.S. 101 turned up a man whoallegedly had exposed himself to two women and eluded police by swimminginto the Bay, said South San Francisco police.

Peter Allen Steele, 29, of Union City, called police to report an assaultand car theft at approximately 2:45 a.m. Saturday, said police. Policearrived to find Steele naked on the side of the road, bruised and shivering.

Two women later identified Steele as the man who Friday night exposedhimself while driving a black Ford Taurus on Gateway Boulevard, said police.

Police received a call about the incident at 11:15 p.m. Friday and beganpursuit. After a chase at speeds over 100 mph, Steele, who stands 6 feet8 inches tall and weighs about 250 pounds, pulled off the highway northof the Sierra Point overpass, fled his car and jumped into the bay, saidpolice.

Police said Steele was not wearing pants when he fled the vehicle.

After searching the area between Candlestick Point and Oyster Pointwith a helicopter and boat, the Coast Guard called off the search at 2:25a.m.

About a half hour later, police received a call from the highway call-boxreporting an assault and car theft.

Steele told police he had been changing a flat tire when a group ofmen assaulted him and stole his black Ford Taurus. Police, however, recognizedSteele as the man they had chased the night before.

Steele was taken to Mills Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame to be treatedfor mild hypothermia and minor injuries. He was issued a citation for indecentexposure, evading pursuit and resisting arrest.

Knock Knock Jokes

Glenn: Knock,knock.
Lisa: Who’s there?
Glenn: Boo.
Lisa: Boo, who?
Glenn: Don’tcry, it’s only me!!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad joke..!!!!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Weed who?
Weed better mow the lawn before it gets too long.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Alaska who?
Alaska one more time…let me in!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Tish who?
Bless you!!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Catch who?
God bless you!

Who’s there?
Madam who?
Madam foot got stuck in the door

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Howdy who?
Howdy do that?

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Little ole lady
Little ole lady who?
I never knew you could yodel !!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Butcher who?
Butcher little arms around me!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch your doing and open this door !!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo Who?
Dont cry, it’s only a joke…

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you’re going?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Winner who?
Winner you gonna get this door fixed?

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe who?
Canoe come out to play?

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Radio Who ?
Radio not , here I come!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about?

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don’t have a belt!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Accordion who?
Accordion to the TV, it’s going to rain tomorrow.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Irish, who?
Irish I had a million dollars.

Kelly: Knock,knock.
Sam: Who’s there?
Kelly: Atch.
Sam: Atch who?
Kelly: Blessyou!

Patricia:Knock, knock.
Anthony: Who’s there?
Patricia: Who.
Patricia: Whowho?
Patricia: Isthere an echo in here?

Education Jokes

  • The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want mustard with that?”
  • What Year are You?
    When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded “Ah, you’re Freshmen.”
    He explained. “When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it’s Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it’s Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it’s juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it’s seniors.”
    “When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it’s graduate students.”
  • The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did youlearn today?”
    The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
  • On a bright spring morning, four high school seniors decided to skip all their morning classes. They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher a very longwinded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems they’d encountered in getting it fixed.
    To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the story. She just smiled and said, “I’d like you to make up a test you missed this morning. Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens.”
    When the boys were ready, the teacher said, “Each of you answer the following question: Which tire was flat?”
  • A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway:
    Hire college students, while they still know everything.
  • The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.
    “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father,”is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”
  • From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988:
    The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May,but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state wasmisspelled ‘Wisconson’.
  • The Professor enters the classroom, looks around, and bids his charges a hearty”Good Morning!”
    The freshmen respond with, “Good morning, Professor!”
    Thesophomores mutter, “Morning!”
    The juniors grunt.
    And the seniors simply writedown the Professor’s greeting into their notes.
  • Reminds me of the one where the professor is droning away in the huge lecturehall when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.
    The professorshouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”
    The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”
  • Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited andtalking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
    After hearingthem for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, “You men Harvard graduates?”
    “Yes Sir! Class of ’94!” they answered proudly.
    The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, “Class of’58.”
  • A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal.
    In my college dorm, we play ‘Assassin,’ like lots of students. Unlike mostpeople though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if youhit your target there’s never an argument about whether you really hit thembecause, well, they’re covered with Silly String(tm). But for those two weeks, you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, eveninto classrooms where you’re automatically safe.
    So there I was in thisPsychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly String atthe ready while the professor lectured.
    The class was Psychology Of Group Behavior and the professor was describingour next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspokenrules of a group, i.e. you don’t grab someone else’s dining-hall tray and starteating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a groupnorm blatantly and intentionally and then write a little two-page paper aboutit.
    And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle, and gets up on the stagewith the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless tosay everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down thehouse.
    He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
  • Professor: I’m dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietlynot to wake up the other classes.
  • This maybe something of a ‘college legend’, but I heard it as true:
    A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: “Whatis courage?”
    The student wrote: “This”, signed it, and turned it in. I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
  • While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Educationbecame provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
    Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to bedoing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him inthe corner.
    A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded,”Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”
  • “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said thesarcastic lecturer.
    After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
    “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired thelecturer with a sneer.
    “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standingup there all by yourself.”
  • A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentarydrawing of himself on the blackboard.
    Fuming, he asked the class joker in thefront row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?”
    The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but Istrongly suspect its parents.”
  • Student: What’s your opinion on the paper I submitted last week?
    Professor: It’s absolute drivel.
    Student: I know, but let’s hear it anyway.
  • A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class andopened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill.The only thing written in the book was “$100 = 100% – I get an A.”
    A month later, the student approached the professor. “I don’t understand,”he said. “I failed the course. Didn’t you read my final?”
    The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it toreveal $50 and the phrase “$50 = 50% – You fail!”
  • One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor’s office. This undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee “accidentally”, etc. Finally, the undergraduate said, “Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest.”
    The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, “Anything?”
    To which the undergradute cooed, “Yes, anything you say.”
    After some brief reflection, the professor asked, “What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?”
    The student lied, “Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.”
    The professor then advised, “Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that.”
  • Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
    Billy: Who, me?
    Teacher: Very good!
  • An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in.
    The professor looked at him and said, “Don’t bother to hand that paper in… you get a zero for continuing after the bell.”
    The guy looked at him and said, “Professor, do you know who I am!!”
    The professor replied, “No, and I don’t care if your dad is president of the United States…you get a zero on this exam”
    The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, “You mean you have no idea who I am???”
    The professor responded, “No, I’ve no idea who you think you are.”
    With that, the guy said “Good!”, plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!

Random FAQs about lawyers

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it,you get nothing.”

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down toground control with their list of demands and added that if their demandsweren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while yourealize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who knowthe judge.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

  • “How many can you afford?”
  • It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
  • Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting bystanding up and shouting “Objection!”
  • Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
  • Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off theladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
  • Three. One to sue the power company for insufficientlysupplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made thebulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired thehouse, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
  • Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, oneto object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one towrite interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change thebulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
  • None, lawyers only screw us.
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