FullDesckisms

Fulldeckisms Part 3

  • One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.)
  • One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker iswhere it’s stored.)
  • One shrimp short of a barbie.
  • One side short of a pentagon.
  • One signature short of a book.
  • One slate short of a full roof.
  • One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
  • One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  • One sock short of a pair.
  • One song short of a musical.
  • One span short of a bridge.
  • One spoon short of a full set.
  • One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
  • One step short of the attic.
  • One stick short of a bundle.
  • One straw short of a bale.
  • One strawberry short of a quart.
  • One strike past being called out.
  • One sub short of a party platter.
  • One taco/enchilada/chalupa short of a combination/Mexican plate.
  • One teabag short of a pot.
  • One tilde short of a full URL.
  • One tile missing from his space shuttle.
  • One tile short of a successful re-entry.
  • One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
  • One too many rides on the Zipper.
  • One tower short of a castle.
  • One tree short of a hammock.
  • One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
  • One volt below threshold.
  • One weight short of a shipwreck.
  • One word short of a.
  • One yard short of the hole.
  • Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
  • Only one oar in the water.
  • Only opens his mouth to change feet.
  • Only playing with 51 cards.
  • Only playing with the jokers.
  • Operating in stand-by mode.
  • Organizationally impaired.
  • Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
  • Out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • Out there where the buses don’t run.
  • Outlet isn’t grounded.
  • Over the rainbow.
  • Overdue for reincarnation.
  • Overruns above 110 baud.
  • Paged/swapped out.
  • Parallel mind, serial world.
  • Parallel world, serial mind.
  • Paralyzed from the neck up.
  • Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
  • Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
  • Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
  • People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
  • Perfect chassis, bad driver.
  • Perfect face for Halloween.
  • Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh…)
  • Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
  • Permanently out to lunch.
  • Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
  • Phototrophic on a better day.
  • Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  • Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
  • Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
  • Playing hockey with a warped puck.
  • Playing Scrabble, but we can’t figure out what words he’s building.
  • Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
  • Plays solitaire… For cash.
  • Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
  • Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
  • Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
  • Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
  • Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
  • Pressure’s up, but there’s a slow leak somewhere.
  • Pretty as 20 miles of bad road.
  • Produces a zero-length core dump.
  • Programmed into an infinite loop.
  • Proud of his lawn mower.
  • Psycho pneumatic. (Crazy air head.)
  • Put a lens in each ear and you’ve got a telescope.
  • Put on Earth to be an oxygen converter.
  • Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn’t annoying.
  • Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be likeputting a pea on a six lane highway.
  • Qualifies for the mental express line — five thoughts orless. — MacNelly
  • Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her oneline of wisdom in the middle.
  • Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he’d come in third.
  • Radio’s playing but nobody’s listening.
  • Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
  • Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
  • Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn’t know Greek.
  • Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
  • Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
  • Receiver is off the hook.
  • Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
  • Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  • Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it’s an old copy.
  • Requires retraining after every coffee break.
  • Reset line is glitching.
  • Result of a first cousin marriage.
  • Result of God’s experiments to see if humans can functionwithout a brain.
  • Room for rent, unfurnished.
  • Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile.
  • RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
  • Running at 300 baud.
  • Running lights are on but no one’s at the helm.
  • Running on a 286.
  • Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
  • Running U.S. appliances on British current.
  • Runs squares around the competition.
  • Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
  • S p a c e d o u t .
  • Sailboat fuel for brains.
  • Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag.(Contains all of a sailor’s possessions including underwear.)
  • Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  • Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
  • Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  • Serving donuts on another planet.
  • Settled some during shipping and handling.
  • Seven cans short of a six-pack.
  • Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  • Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
  • Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
  • She believes the three great lies.
  • She can piss standing up, but not much else.
  • She doesn’t suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
  • She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. — Thaves
  • She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She looks virtually real today.
  • She only packed half a sandwich.
  • She only schedules zombie processes.
  • She put the ding in dingbat.
  • She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. — Dorothy Parker
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them.
  • She sounds reasonable… Must be time to up my medication.
  • She stopped to think and forgot to start again.
  • She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
  • She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
  • She’ll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
  • She’s a screensaver. (Looks good, but useless.)
  • She’s all thumbs.
  • She’s as daft as a brush. (British)
  • She’s running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line.
  • Shedding a little too much black light.
  • Short a few cards.
  • Short-circuited between the earphones.
  • Should be the poster child for family planning.
  • Should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
  • Shouldn’t be allowed to breed.
  • Shouldn’t eat nuts — for her, it’s practically cannibalism.
  • Single-sided, low density.
  • Sings along with elevator music.
  • Sinking with a deck full of people; her brain cells can’tfind the lifeboats.
  • Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
  • Six-packed seven times. (Volleyball slang: “Six-pack” is tospike someone in the head with a volleyball.)
  • Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  • Skylight leaks a little.
  • Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
  • Slinky’s kinked.
  • Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
  • Slow as molasses in January.
  • Slow out of the gate.
  • Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Smarter than the average bear.
  • Smoke doesn’t make it to the top of his chimney.
  • So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
  • So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
  • So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
  • So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
  • So dumb, he faxes face up.
  • So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes.
  • So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
  • So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
  • So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
  • So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
  • So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
  • So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
  • So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
  • So stupid, she doesn’t go further than Thursday.
  • So thick, he sticks to pasta.
  • So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
  • Sold his car for gas money.
  • Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
  • Some Assembly Required.
  • Some bugs in his software.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  • Some of her inodes have nodded off.
  • Some pages missing.
  • Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
  • Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
  • Someday when she’s younger, she’ll ________.
  • Someone blew out his pilot light.
  • Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  • Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem.
  • Someone let the air out of her lock.
  • Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit.
  • Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
  • Source code is missing a few lines.
  • Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
  • Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
  • Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, “concentrate”.
  • Still boots to DOS.
  • Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
  • Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder.
  • Still traumatized from the forest fire in “Bambi”.
  • Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
  • Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
  • Strolling through life with one shoelace untied.
  • Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2.(A WWII era Russian tank.)
  • Stuck on the down escalator of life.
  • Studied for a blood test — and failed.
  • Stumped by anything child-proof.
  • Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
  • Subtle as a wet tongue in the ear / kiss from a cow.
  • Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
  • Suffers from excessive headspace.
  • Suffers from link rot. (The process by which hypertext linksbecome obsolete as their sites change or die.)
  • Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis.
  • Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
  • Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • Surfing the Web with a hard-copy terminal. (Does anyoneremember those?)
  • Suspend switch is jumpered.
  • Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.)
  • Switch is on, but no one’s receiving.
  • Takes her 1.5 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
  • Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  • Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being draggedaround the block by it.
  • Talking with her is a career-limiting move.
  • Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth.
  • Talks to plants on their own level.
  • Tall as a post and just as smart.
  • Team player… No chance he’ll develop a personality on his own.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • Teflon brain — nothing sticks. — Lilly Tomlin
  • Ten to the dozen.
  • The aliens forget to remove his anal probe.
  • The bark on her family tree actually involves canines.
  • The best part of him ran down his mother’s legs. — Jackie Gleason
  • The butter slipped off his noodle.
  • The cheese slid off his cracker.
  • The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
  • The fan is working but the freon’s leaked out.
  • The fire is going well, but the flue is closed.
  • The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  • The heater’s plugged in but the rheostat’s shot.
  • The march of his intellect is like that of a crab, backward.– Peacock
  • The most rock-hard argument can crash through his airy head andcause only the slightest disturbance in the air currentsthat surround the void that comprises his knowledge.
  • The only place she’s ever invited is outside.
  • The perfect personality to write software manuals.
  • The recesses of his mind are always in recess.
  • The result of years of careful inbreeding.
  • The sharpest thing he’s allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
  • The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
  • The spit valve’s fallen off his trumpet again.
  • The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
  • The two put together have an IQ over 150.
  • The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead.
  • The world’s foremost collector of ignorance.
  • Their family tree is a tumbleweed.
  • There are great people in the world, but she’s not one of them.
  • There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best.
  • There’s no ice cubes in THAT tray. — Second City comedy troupe
  • There’s nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be cured witha little Prozac and a polo mallet. — Woody Allen
  • They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
  • They must have done a clean boot on him.
  • They never shut up on his planet.
  • Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
  • Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
  • Thinks “Private Enterprise” means owning a personal starship.
  • Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
  • Thinks at 5 baud.
  • Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
  • Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
  • Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
  • Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
  • thinks in lower case & types accordingly
  • Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
  • Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
  • Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
  • Thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.
  • Thirteen short of a dozen.
  • Three sigma off the norm.
  • Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
  • Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.(I resemble that remark. — editor)
  • Tight / waterproof as a fish’s sphincter.
  • Tight as a bull’s arse in fly season.
  • To make him laugh on Saturday, tell him a joke on Wednesday.
  • Tone arm is down but no music is playing.
  • Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
  • Too dumb to know when you’re getting smart / playing dumb with him.
  • Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.
  • Too many birds on her antenna.
  • Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
  • Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
  • Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  • Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
  • Top paddock is full of rocks.
  • Toys in the attic.
  • Train of thought derailed / still boarding at thestation / has no caboose.
  • Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  • Traveling without a passport/towel.
  • Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
  • Tries to forward this list to some friends, but instead shipssix copies of it to the editor (groan).
  • Trips over cordless phones.
  • Truck can’t haul a full load.
  • Truly believes “neural network” is a new Ted Turner enterprise.
  • Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
  • Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
  • Two bits short of a word/dollar.
  • Two degrees off square.
  • Two inches taller than spherical.
  • Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn’t plugged in.
  • Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
  • Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
  • Unclear which of Newton’s three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
  • Understands English as well as any parrot.
  • Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Useful as dinosaur repellent.
  • Useful as passing gas in a spacesuit.
  • Useful as piss on a forest fire.
  • Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
  • Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
  • Uses AOL.
  • Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
  • Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
  • Uses thumbtacks to post notes — on his refrigerator.
  • Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
  • Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
  • Vacancy on the top floor.
  • Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not pickingup anything.)
  • Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.
  • Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
  • Vertically-fornicated mind.
  • Views mold as a higher life form.
  • Vowel-buyer. (As on the TV show Wheel of Fortune, when thesolution is already obvious.)
  • Waiting on a toaster that’s not plugged in.
  • Warning: Objects in her mirror are dumber than they appear.
  • Warranty expired.
  • Was assimilated by the Borg.
  • Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
  • Was born when the planets were misaligned.
  • Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  • Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
  • Wasn’t abused as a child, but should have been.
  • Wasn’t fully debugged before being released.
  • Wasn’t strapped in during launch.
  • Watches “Beavis and Butthead” to learn vocabulary.
  • Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
  • We’re all missing cards from our decks — and different cards, too.
  • We’re all refreshed and challenged by her unique point of view.
  • Went in for repairs but wasn’t tightened with a torque wrench.
  • Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
  • Whatever kind of look she was going for, she missed.
  • When a thought crosses her mind, it’s a long and lonely journey.
  • When God said, “Come forth for brains,” he came fifth.
  • When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a verysmall container. — Bob Thaves
  • When he was compiled they forgot to #include<smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.
  • When her window of opportunity opened, she had the shade drawn.
  • When opportunity knocked, she refused to open the door.
  • When she dances, she makes the band skip.
  • When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
  • When she puts on her lipstick, it keeps backing down the tube.– Kevin Wilson
  • When she was born the doctor tried to kill her / slapped her mother.
  • When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick / wasat the end of the line.
  • When they said “drain”, he thought they said “brain”.
  • Where it says, “Sign here”, she writes, “Pisces”.
  • While he was not dumber than an ox, he wasn’t any smarter. — Thurber
  • Whole lotta choppin’, but no chips a flyin’.
  • Will never get a ticket for speeding.
  • Wise as the world is flat.
  • With one more neuron he’d have a synapse.
  • Won’t eat eggs because he believes the “This is your brain” ads.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and corneredlike a rat in a trap.
  • Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
  • Would need help to drool.
  • Would starve to death in a grocery store.
  • Wouldn’t know a tram was up him if the conductor rang hisbell. (Australian)
  • Wouldn’t know ore if it jumped out of the stope and bithim on the ass. (Said of mineral prospectors.)
  • Wouldn’t make any sense if she ever made sense.
  • Wouldn’t recognize a clue if he saw one / you showed himone (labelled “clue”).
  • Wouldn’t shout if a shark bit him. (Australianism meaning hewon’t buy a round of drinks (shout) in turn.)
  • You can hardly tell that he’s a simulation.
  • Zero K memory.

Fulldekisms Part 2

  • He writes blank checks on a closed account.
  • He’d screw up a two-car funeral procession.
  • He’ll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner.
  • He’s a General Protection Fault trigger.
  • He’s a man on a mission, but can’t find his dossier.
  • He’s as soppy as a sack. (British)
  • He’s been invited to every party in town… Once.
  • He’s completely West Ham. (Two stops short of Barking on theLondon Underground.)
  • He’s diagnosable.
  • He’s in a federal witless protection program.
  • He’s not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
  • He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  • He’s really into himself… His head is up his ass.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • He’s so dense, the Titanic wouldn’t sink in his head.
  • Hears everything that a dog can.
  • Hears more lyrics on records when they’re played backwards.
  • Her access time approaches infinity.
  • Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
  • Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
  • Her blender doesn’t go past “mix”.
  • Her body is rejecting her.
  • Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as <your favoritepolitician’s> concern for his/her electorate.
  • Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assederror correction.
  • Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to runfsck on her brain.
  • Her brain is as useless as a mule’s gonads.
  • Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
  • Her cache is incoherent.
  • Her career is just taking off — she’s never at work.
  • Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing.
  • Her dentist went deaf from the drill’s echoes.
  • Her dialing thumb must be broken.
  • Her display is always flashing 12:00.
  • Her driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
  • Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
  • Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.
  • Her files are compressed 100%.
  • Her finals are burned out.
  • Her friends took her aside, and left her there. — Ron Richards
  • Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter.
  • Her head doesn’t cast a shadow.
  • Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
  • Her input pipe is broken.
  • Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
  • Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers.
  • Her kid is an honor student, but she’s still an idiot.
  • Her leads need resoldering.
  • Her learning curve is fractal.
  • Her lint trap is full.
  • Her lists are unlinked.
  • Her memory is truly random-access.
  • Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
  • Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
  • Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
  • Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
  • Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
  • Her modem lights are on but there’s no carrier.
  • Her objects are not fully oriented.
  • Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy.
  • Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.
  • Her phone doesn’t quite reach her desk.
  • Her pool balls don’t fit into the rack.
  • Her positronic matrix won’t reboot.
  • Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
  • Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
  • Her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.
  • Her ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.
  • Her stack has been corrupted.
  • Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
  • Her system file has zero bytes.
  • Her tires are a little low.
  • Her wheels are turning but she’s upside down. — U2
  • Her wipers don’t touch the glass.
  • Her word length is zero bits.
  • Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
  • High relative humidity… He’s lost in a fog.
  • His access light’s on, but the drive isn’t spinning / isstill spinning up.
  • His accumulator overflows at zero.
  • His actual mileage varies.
  • His antenna/radio doesn’t pick up all the channels/stations.
  • His boot block is in a bad sector.
  • His boot ROM has a bad checksum.
  • His brackets are mismatched.
  • His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
  • His brain is sueing for neglect.
  • His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
  • His brain would rattle around in a gnat’s navel.
  • His bread ain’t done.
  • His buffer is full.
  • His clutch is slipping.
  • His data bus stops for red lights.
  • His deck has no face cards.
  • His elevator is stuck between floors.
  • His face is on a coin… On the edge.
  • His family tree is a telephone pole.
  • His family wasn’t dysfunctional until he arrived.
  • His freelist is empty.
  • His future is behind schedule. — Bob Thaves
  • His gene line isn’t just dead, it’s extinct.
  • His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. — Robin Williams
  • His grades were so bad, after school he couldn’t even getinto prison. — Shannon Sharpe
  • His grey matter is brown / doesn’t matter.
  • His head whistles in a cross wind.
  • His home page is out of order.
  • His home planet is flat.
  • His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive.
  • His jack can’t get the car off the ground.
  • His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot).
  • His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
  • His mind is great at error magnification.
  • His mind is less substantial than the Emperor’s new clothes.
  • His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. — Allision
  • His mind is write-protected/write-only.
  • His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
  • His mind wandered and never came back.
  • His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
  • His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
  • His only hope for sexual variety is vegetables / to change hands.
  • His outgoing message starts with, “Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.”
  • His page was intentionally left blank.
  • His picture is in the dictionary under “zero”.
  • His pointers are null/uninitialized.
  • His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  • His reaction time is longer than his attention span. — Thaves
  • His root file system isn’t mounted.
  • His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
  • His shared libraries aren’t installed.
  • His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
  • His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it’s the bestpart of his postings.
  • His spark can’t jump the gap.
  • His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
  • His stack’s not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
  • His strings aren’t null-terminated.
  • His strip is demagnetized.
  • His system administrator is never in.
  • His train tracks aren’t quite parallel.
  • His URL denies outside access.
  • His watch dog is sleeping.
  • His Wheaties have been in the milk too long.
  • His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
  • His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside.
  • His X, Y, and Z axes don’t meet at the origin.
  • Hitler’s evil twin.
  • Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed andmounted. — David Weber
  • Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
  • Hypnotized as a child and couldn’t be woken.
  • I like him; he reminds me of when I was young and stupid.
  • I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  • I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
  • I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what hethinks he’s worth.
  • I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs than his.
  • If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.
  • If brains were chocolate, he wouldn’t have enough for an M&M.
  • If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow hernose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
  • If brains were farts, he couldn’t stink up the inside of a matchbox.
  • If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop.
  • If brains were grains of sand, he couldn’t fill a dixie cup.
  • If brains were lard, he’d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  • If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If brains were water, hers wouldn’t be enough to baptize a flea.
  • If dumb were dirt, he’d be an acre.
  • If fashion law is ever enforced, he’ll be found guilty withouthope of parole.
  • If God tried to help him, we’d have an eight day week.
  • If he didn’t exist, he wouldn’t be worth inventing.
  • If he donated his brain to science it’d set civilization back 50 years.
  • If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universewill come true.
  • If he had a lobotomy he’d depressurize.
  • If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely.
  • If he had brains, he’d take them out and play with them.
  • If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
  • If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
  • If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would havedied of old age.
  • If he were any brighter he’d be in the visible spectrum.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
  • If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
  • If his brains were money, he’d still be in debt.
  • If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
  • If ignorance were bliss, she’d be orgasmic.
  • If it’s not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn’t take it seriously.
  • If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank. — P.G. Wodehouse
  • If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
  • If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn’t blow the cobwebsoff his balls.
  • If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
  • If she was any dumber, she’d be a green plant.
  • If stupidity hurt, he’d go through life on a morphine drip.
  • If stupidity were a crime, he’d be number one on the Most Wanted list.
  • If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he’d get nuked.
  • If there were a merciful God he’d be dead by now.
  • If they each had half a brain, they’d still only have half a brain.
  • If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
  • If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
  • If wit were shit, he’d be constipated.
  • If you called him a wit, you’d be half right.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • Ignorant, and proud of it.
  • Immune from any serious head injury.
  • Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
  • In a tub of Preparation H, he’d shrink down to thumb size.
  • In his optimum environment, he’d be locked in a life and deathstruggle with mushrooms.
  • In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, “No, thanks”.
  • In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for onewith lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one.
  • In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes,and he asked for “extra thick.”
  • In need of a ROM upgrade.
  • In serious need of attitude adjustment.
  • In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little fartherapart than most.
  • In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
  • In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
  • Includes a “thank you” note with her tax returns.
  • Infinite space between her ears.
  • Informationally deprived.
  • Inhabits her own private timezone.
  • Inspected by #13.
  • Inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
  • Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
  • Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.
  • Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
  • Invented a submarine with a screen door.
  • IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
  • IQ lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon-rut.
  • It’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
  • Just another flash in the bedpan.
  • Just asleep, but others worry that he’s dead.
  • Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
  • Kept an open mind — and his brains fell out.
  • Keywords: generalizations clue get
  • Knitting with only one needle.
  • Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
  • Landed with his gear/brain up and locked.
  • Leaky sunroof.
  • Left hand threaded.
  • Left his booster on the launch pad.
  • Left the store without all of his groceries.
  • Leveled off before reaching altitude.
  • Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
  • Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
  • Lights / porch lights are on but nobody’s home.
  • Lights not burning too bright.
  • Like a barometer — vacuum at the top.
  • Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
  • Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
  • Likes dunking for french fries.
  • Likes to execute his data.
  • Little red choo-choo’s gone chugging ’round the bend /jumped the track.
  • Lives in La-la-land.
  • Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
  • Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.
  • Living proof of Einstein’s theory that there is no limit tohuman stupidity.
  • Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Living proof that God did die back in the 60s.
  • Living proof that God has a sense of humor.
  • Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  • Living proof that there’s ALWAYS someone worse off than you.
  • Long on drywall, short on studs.
  • Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
  • Looks for the “Any” key.
  • Looks just like Bill Gates.
  • Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
  • Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
  • Lost his marbles.
  • Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates.
  • Loves a good insult, but can never remember any.
  • Low on thinking gas.
  • Low-bandwidth as an information source.
  • Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing… Thinkof it as evolution in action. — Larry Niven
  • Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  • Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
  • Mainspring’s wound too tight.
  • Makes a black hole look bright.
  • Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
  • Meandering to a different drummer.
  • Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
  • Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
  • Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
  • Metronome needs oil.
  • Might look like he’s doing nothing, but at the cellular levelhe’s really quite busy.
  • Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
  • Mind like a steel sieve.
  • Mind like a steel trap — everything gets mangled / full of mice /nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut / someday it willsnap shut and swallow his face.
  • Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.
  • Missed the last train to Clue Junction. — Rev Billy Wirtz
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
  • Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  • Monorail doesn’t go all the way to Tomorrowland.
  • Mooring lines don’t reach the dock.
  • More armpits than brain cells.
  • More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
  • Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
  • Moves his lips to pretend he’s reading.
  • Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
  • Nearly lives up to her full potential as a dumb blond.
  • Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
  • Needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
  • Needs a checkup from the neck up.
  • Needs a little remedial evolution.
  • Needs a stepladder to pick his nose.
  • Needs an operating manual for a screwdriver.
  • Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  • Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
  • Needs front end alignment.
  • Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
  • Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so theycan be tied in the back.
  • Neither left-brained nor right-brained. — Bob Thaves
  • Nervous as a long-tailed bobcat in a room full of rocking chairs.
  • Network constantly loses packets.
  • Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
  • Never finishes a thoug
  • Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can’t existin a vacuum.
  • Never misses an episode of her screensaver.
  • Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. — Van Jacobson
  • Nice color but not enough wattage.
  • Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
  • Nine pence in the shilling.
  • Nine rooms; no furniture.
  • Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  • No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
  • No charge in her synapses.
  • No coins in the old fountain.
  • No filter in the coffeemaker.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • No hands on the rudder/yoke.
  • No hay in the loft.
  • No one at the throttle.
  • No ROM basic.
  • No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)
  • No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; thisphrase means one has been smoking his rope.)
  • No wind in her mind’s windmills.
  • Not all his dogs are barking.
  • Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
  • Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
  • Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  • Not done evolving yet.
  • Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
  • Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
  • Not enough bullets for Russian Roulette.
  • Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
  • Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  • Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60’s flower child.)
  • Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
  • Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
  • Not hard-docked.
  • Not inflated to 90 PSI / head is stamped “inflate to 40 PSI”.
  • Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
  • Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
  • Not only rude, but ugly too.
  • Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (– not even in the game).
  • Not ready for prime time.
  • Not running on full thrusters.
  • Not shooting pool on a level table.
  • Not so much of a has-been, as a won’t-be.
  • Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor /crayon in the box.
  • Not the full quid.
  • Not the hottest burner on the stovetop.
  • Not the same since they took him off his medication.
  • Not the sharpest knife/spoon in the drawer / tool in the shed /nail in the box / quill on the porcupine.
  • Not Turing equivalent.
  • Not within a bull’s roar. (A term used by lawn bowlers.)
  • Not worth henshit on a pump handle.
  • Not worth pissin’ on.
  • Not wrapped too tight.
  • Nothing between the stethoscopes.
  • Nothing on her radar.
  • Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
  • Number ‘n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
  • Nutty as a fruitcake.
  • Of all the things he’s lost, he misses his mind the most.
  • Off by one.
  • Off his rocker/trolley.
  • Oil doesn’t reach his dipstick.
  • On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
  • On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  • One anna short of a rupee.
  • One bead short in her rosary.
  • One bean short of chili.
  • One bean shy of full strength.
  • One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
  • One bird short of a flock.
  • One bit short of a byte/word.
  • One blade short of a sharp edge. — Nanci Griffith
  • One block short of a filesystem.
  • One board short of a porch.
  • One bomb/melon short of a full load.
  • One boot stuck in the sand.
  • One bottom short of a bucket.
  • One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
  • One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
  • One bun/donut short of a dozen.
  • One byte short of a checksum.
  • One byte short of a full 256K SIMM.
  • One car short of a chase scene.
  • One card/marble short of a full deck.
  • One chapter short of a novel.
  • One chicken short of a henhouse.
  • One chip short of a cookie.
  • One chip short of a megabyte.
  • One citation short of a footnote.
  • One clearance short of landing/take off.
  • One clown short of a circus.
  • One clue short of a solution.
  • One cold solder joint.
  • One color short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
  • One color short of color-coordinated.
  • One couplet short of a sonnet.
  • One course short of a degree. (As in: “I’ve got a degree inhome economics, but I was only one course short of adegree in advanced nuclear physics.”)
  • One crayon short of a full box.
  • One crouton short of a salad.
  • One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
  • One cylinder short of a full re-format.
  • One diamond short of a ring.
  • One dimension short of reality.
  • One doughnut short of being a cop.
  • One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
  • One drop short of an empty bladder.
  • One ear short of a bushel.
  • One electron shy of a full shell / noble gas arrangement.
  • One feather short of a whole duck.
  • One fish short of a string.
  • One floor below the poopdeck.
  • One flower short of an arrangement.
  • One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
  • One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
  • One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
  • One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
  • One fruit short of a basket.
  • One gene short of a full chromosome.
  • One goose short of a gaggle.
  • One grape short of a bunch.
  • One guppy short of an aquarium.
  • One handle short of a suitcase.
  • One harmonic short of a tubular bell.
  • One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
  • One inch short of a foot/yard.
  • One inspection short of passing.
  • One kangaroo short in her top paddock.
  • One kernel short of an ear.
  • One key short of a piano.
  • One kopek short of a ruble.
  • One link short of a chain.
  • One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
  • One measure short of a staff.
  • One miracle short of being where he thinks he’s at.
  • One miracle wouldn’t be enough to help him.
  • One monkey short of a full hundred.
  • One node short of a network.
  • One nut short of a full pouch.
  • One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
  • One open splice.
  • One pancake short of a stack.
  • One pane short of a window.
  • One pea short of a pod/casserole.
  • One peak short of a chromatogram.
  • One pearl short of a necklace.
  • One pickle short of a jar.
  • One pie short of a holiday.
  • One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
  • One point short of a polygon.
  • One prayer short of absolution.
  • One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
  • One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
  • One quark short of a hadron.
  • One republic short of an empire.
  • One revision behind.
  • One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.
  • One saucer short of a tea-service.
  • One scallop short of a seafood platter.
  • One screw loose.
  • One screw shy of a final assembly.
  • One sentence short of a paragraph.
  • One shade short of a rainbow.
  • One sheep short of a sweater.
  • One shingle short of a roof, and the water’s getting in.
  • One ship short of a full fleet.

Fulldeckisms Part 1

  • A couple of blocks behind the parade.
  • A mind like wet tennis shoes… Makes squishy noises when running.
  • A notch off the timing mark.
  • A one-bit brain with a parity error.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • A square with only three sides.
  • A victim of retroactive birth control.
  • A statue in a world of pigeons.
  • About half smart.
  • Adult child of alien invaders.
  • Afraid she’ll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
  • Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray — twice.
  • All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
  • Already visualizing the duct tape over his mouth.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • Answers the door when the phone rings.
  • Argues with herself — and loses!
  • As handy as a whiskbroom and twice as intelligent. — Peter DeVries
  • As happy as if he had brains / was in his right mind.
  • Barney’s his hero.
  • Born a day late and like that ever since.
  • Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
  • Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
  • Brain transplant donor.
  • Cackles a lot, but I ain’t seen no eggs yet.
  • Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • “Body by Fisher — brains by Mattel.”
  • $HOME = /dev/null.
  • 3K RAM free, no EMS.
  • A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
  • A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.
  • A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
  • A 20th century man… The guy has no future.
  • A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
  • A barnacle on the ship of progress.
  • A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
  • A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
  • A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.
  • A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve fromrectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.)
  • A day late and a dollar short.
  • A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
  • A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
  • A face designed in a wind tunnel.
  • A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and… What was the question?
  • A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
  • A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
  • A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he’d have togive up chewing gum.
  • A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
  • A lap behind the field.
  • A legend in his own mind.
  • A logically defunct twit.
  • A looney tune.
  • A lot of feathers but not much chicken. — Kim Mitchell
  • A medical mystery.
  • A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. — Tom Waits
  • A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
  • A modest little person, with much to be modest about. — Churchill
  • A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
  • A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
  • A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • A penalty kick over the bar. (in soccer)
  • A peripheral visionary.
  • A poor excuse for protoplasm.
  • A quart low.
  • A real rocket scientologist.
  • A real space cadet.
  • A return with no gosub.
  • A room temperature IQ — centigrade.
  • A semitone flat on the high notes.
  • A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
  • A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
  • A standard deviant.
  • A teapot with a cracked lid.
  • A titanic intellect… In a world full of icebergs.
  • A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
  • A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
  • A violin minus the bow.
  • A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.
  • A waste of skin.
  • A wind-up clock without a key.
  • Airhead / bubble-brain.
  • Alive today only because it’s illegal to kill him.
  • All booster, no payload.
  • All cassette, no tape.
  • All crown, no filling.
  • All fetch and no execute.
  • All foam, no beer.
  • All foliage, no fruit.
  • All hammer, no nail.
  • All hat and no cattle.
  • All hawk and no spit. — Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot
  • All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
  • All his eggs in the same basket.
  • All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
  • All icing, no cake.
  • All lime and salt, no tequila.
  • All missile, no warhead.
  • All of his bytes are odd.
  • All Preparation, no H.
  • All shot, no powder.
  • All signs and no scenery. — John Taylor
  • All the lights don’t shine in her marquee.
  • All the notes, none of the music.
  • All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
  • All thrust/mach, no vector.
  • All wax and no wick.
  • Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
  • Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
  • Always late… Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
  • Always needs to have jokes explained.
  • Always responds to “Make Money Fast” postings on the Net.
  • Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
  • Always speaks her mind, so usually she’s speechless.
  • An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  • An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
  • An Apple //e on UUCP.
  • An early example of the Peter Principle.
  • An ego like a black hole.
  • An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of yearswith walnut-sized brains.
  • An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
  • An inch short and a stroke early.
  • An innundated receptacle of primordial ooze.
  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
  • Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
  • Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
  • Any connection between his reality and ours is purely coincidental.
  • Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
  • Any slower and he’d be in reverse. — Gignac
  • Any smarter and he’d be retarded.
  • Argues with herself — and loses!
  • As bent as a corkscrew.
  • As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
  • As dumb as an ox.
  • As focused as a fart.
  • As happy as the village idiot.
  • As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
  • as popular as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding.
  • As quick as a corpse.
  • As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
  • As sharp as a bag of wet mice. — Foghorn Leghorn
  • As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head /wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich,and twice as smart.
  • As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
  • As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
  • As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
  • As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
  • As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
  • As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
  • As useful as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
  • As useful as a brick lifevest.
  • As useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret.
  • As useful as a chocolate teapot / fireguard.
  • As useful as a football bat.
  • As useful as a fur-lined walking stick.
  • As useful as a glass hammer.
  • As useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
  • As useful as a kickstand on a horse.
  • As useful as a lead parachute.
  • As useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
  • As useful as a spit valve on a guitar.
  • As useful as a top hat with pockets.
  • As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  • As useful as an inflatable cheeseknife.
  • As useful as bolognese sauce on shoe laces.
  • As useful as bookends down a well.
  • As useful as green stop lights.
  • As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower.
  • At least he has a positive attitude about his destructive habits.
  • Attic’s a little dusty.
  • Back burners not fully operating.
  • Bad spot on the disk.
  • Baler done run out of twine.
  • Bandwidth limited.
  • Bats have flown the belfry, and now he’s all alone.
  • Bats in the belfry.
  • Batteries not included.
  • Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
  • Been one too many times through the wormhole.
  • Been playing with his wand too much.
  • Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
  • Been short on oxygen one time too many.
  • Been using her head as a mass driver.
  • Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
  • Blew his O-rings.
  • Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
  • Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / puncheswith his head.
  • Blown/leaking head gasket.
  • Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end ofthe gene pool.
  • Born too late — he’d have been a great Neanderthal.
  • Born ugly and built to last.
  • Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/…
  • Brain is running on empty.
  • Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
  • Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • Bright as an acetylene torch — without an oxygen supply.
  • Brings a knife to a gunfight. — Sean Connery, The Untouchables
  • Brings binoculars to submarine races.
  • Broadcasts static.
  • Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
  • Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
  • Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
  • Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
  • Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excretaon a frozen pond.
  • Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
  • Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
  • Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
  • Calls people to ask them their phone number.
  • Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
  • Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
  • Can easily be confused with facts.
  • Can only remember her old passwords.
  • Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
  • Can’t count his balls and get the same answer twice.
  • Can’t dial 911 because she can’t find “11” on the phone.
  • Can’t find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/map/flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
  • Can’t find his couch in the living room.
  • Can’t find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
  • Can’t hold water in a bucket. (Can’t keep a secret.)
  • Can’t program his way out of a for-loop.
  • Car’s only got three wheels, and one’s going flat.
  • Carrier wave unmodulated.
  • Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
  • Cart can’t hold all the groceries.
  • Cauliflower for brains.
  • Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)
  • Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
  • Charming as a carbuncle.
  • Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
  • Cheezwiz for brains.
  • Chimney’s clogged.
  • Clock doesn’t have all its numbers.
  • Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
  • Cold / flat / dry as a witch’s tit.
  • Colder than a well-digger’s ass in the Klondike.
  • Collects cards for Craig.
  • Communications with him is limited to ping.
  • Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  • Confused as a lesbian in a fishmongers.
  • Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
  • Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
  • Contributes to collections like this one without searching firstto see if their little gem is already listed.
  • Contributes to the population problem.
  • Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else’s eulogy.
  • Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize.
  • Couldn’t balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
  • Couldn’t be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight anda three-way mirror.
  • Couldn’t count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
  • Couldn’t engineer his way out of a wet paper bag.
  • Couldn’t figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
  • Couldn’t find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
  • Couldn’t find oil with a dipstick.
  • Couldn’t find two Saint Bernards if they were in the sametelephone booth with him.
  • Couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field full ofhorny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk anddid the clue mating dance.
  • Couldn’t get laid if he crawled up a chicken’s rear end andwaited his turn.
  • Couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack ofbananas. — David Spade
  • Couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel.
  • Couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
  • Couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.
  • Couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
  • Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • Couldn’t run out of sight on a dark night / in a week.
  • Couldn’t scratch his ass with a hand full of fish hooks.
  • Couldn’t tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
  • Couldn’t think/pee/fight his way out of a paper bag.
  • Couldn’t write dialog for a porno flick.
  • CPU doesn’t pick up on all clock cycles.
  • CPU is always in powersave mode.
  • CPU not connected to the bus.
  • Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
  • Cranio-rectally inverted.
  • Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.
  • Cunning as a dodo bird.
  • Cursor’s flashing but there’s no response.
  • Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
  • Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
  • Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
  • Defective hard drive / boot sector.
  • Dense as a London fog.
  • Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  • Differently clued. — Dave Clark
  • Dock doesn’t quite reach the water.
  • Does aerobics… in his head.
  • Does everything the hard way, like making love standing upin a hammock.
  • Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges)
  • Doesn’t adjust for leap years.
  • Doesn’t consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
  • Doesn’t have a fart’s prayer in a hurricane.
  • Doesn’t have a round in every chamber.
  • Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
  • Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /groceries in the same bag.
  • Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
  • Doesn’t have both oars in the water — can’t even find the damn boat.
  • Doesn’t have elastic in both of his socks.
  • Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
  • Doesn’t have sixteen annas to the rupee.
  • Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
  • Doesn’t have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
  • Doesn’t have two neurons to rub together.
  • Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much.
  • Doesn’t just wear perfume, she marinates in it.
  • Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. — Billing
  • Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
  • Doesn’t know which side the toast is buttered on.
  • Doesn’t need to worry about excess knowledge.
  • Doesn’t put the cross-hairs on the target.
  • Doesn’t quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
  • Doesn’t suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
  • Doesn’t suffer from stress, she’s a carrier.
  • Don’t blame him, he’s from Uranus.
  • Don’t know what his problem is, but it’s hard to pronounce.
  • Donated her body to science fiction.
  • Donated her body to scientists… Before she was done using it.
  • Downhill skiing in Iowa.
  • Driveway doesn’t quite reach the garage.
  • Driving at night with the lights off.
  • Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place.
  • Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
  • Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.
  • Dropped his second stage too soon.
  • Dropped on his head as a child.
  • Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
  • Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks / sled tracks.
  • During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
  • Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
  • Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
  • Echoes between the ears.
  • Eight pawns short of a gambit.
  • Either the good twin or the evil one, hard to say.
  • Electroencephalographically challenged.
  • Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor / penthouse /mezzanine.
  • Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn’t open.
  • Elevator is on the ground floor and he’s pushing the Down button.
  • Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.
  • Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy ofthe list attached.
  • End of season sale at the cerebral department. — Gareth Blackstock
  • Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
  • Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
  • Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
  • Even in victory, he’s a loser.
  • Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
  • Evolved from a toxic waste dump.
  • Failed the Turing test.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
  • Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /pop gun / cap gun.
  • Finds a flat by swapping tires.
  • Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
  • Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
  • Fired from McDonald’s for having a short attention span.
  • Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
  • Flaky.
  • Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapultlaunch on an aircraft carrier.)
  • Flying/landing on one engine.
  • Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
  • Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
  • Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
  • For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
  • Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
  • Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  • Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
  • Four bits short of a full DEC.
  • Four bows short of a string quartet.
  • Four cents short of a nickel.
  • Fruit looking for a cake to happen.
  • Full of wisdumb.
  • Full throttle, dry tank.
  • Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
  • Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
  • Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but thetrain isn’t coming.
  • Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.
  • Gears grind/don’t always mesh.
  • Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
  • Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
  • Gets his orders from another planet.
  • Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
  • Gets lost in thought — it’s unfamiliar territory.
  • Gets parity errors under load.
  • Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain’t got no cattle.
  • Goalie for the dart team.
  • God might still use him for miracle practice.
  • God’s favorite target for lightning strikes.
  • Goes with the flow… He’s a bed wetter.
  • Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
  • Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
  • Got help, but it didn’t help. — Bob Thaves
  • Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning — like always.
  • Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
  • Gyros are loose.
  • Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
  • Had a head crash / her server’s crashed.
  • Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have beenhard-pressed to find the material to make a canarya set of cami-knickers. — P.G. Wodehouse
  • Half a bubble off plumb. — attributed to Mark Twain
  • Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
  • Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
  • Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace ismissing from his deck altogether.
  • Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life.
  • Has a bird’s-eye view, and a brain to match.
  • Has a bus fault problem.
  • Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.
  • Has a face only a mother could love — but she hates it too.
  • Has a few wait states.
  • Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
  • Has a leak in his ceiling.
  • Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.
  • Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
  • Has a personality all her own… No one else wanted it. — Jim Davis
  • Has a pulse, but that’s about all.
  • Has a random memory fault.
  • Has a slow clock.
  • Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, “matrix” comes from the Latin “womb”.)
  • Has a two-bit operating system.
  • Has achieved inner peace, but still displays outer obnoxiousness.
  • Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
  • Has all the brains God gave a duck’s ass.
  • Has an hourglass figure, but most of the sand is on thep.m. side. — Thaves
  • Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
  • Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
  • Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.
  • Has change for a seven dollar bill.
  • Has delusions of adequacy.
  • Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
  • Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.
  • Has his brain on cruise control again.
  • Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
  • Has it floored in neutral.
  • Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
  • Has no discretionary intellect.
  • Has no upper stage.
  • Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
  • Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
  • Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can’tremember any of them.
  • Has plenty of talent and vision, just doesn’t give a damn.
  • Has resonance where others have brains.
  • Has signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.
  • Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it’s likewatching tennis.
  • Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  • Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).
  • Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
  • Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
  • Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
  • Has the mental agility of a soap dish. — National Lampoon
  • Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
  • Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
  • Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • Hasn’t caught on that X and Y are relative values.
  • Hasn’t got all his china in the cupboard.
  • Hasn’t got the brains God gave a cat.
  • Hasn’t got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.
  • Hasn’t lost his mind — it’s backed up on tape somewhere.
  • Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing.
  • He came, he saw, he clutched.
  • HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
  • He can push but he can’t pop.
  • He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
  • He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
  • He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
  • He has a good point… Six inches above his eyes.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • He has two left feet.
  • He hasn’t a single redeeming vice. — Oscar Wilde
  • He is a man of few words and he does not know what eitherof them mean. — Prachett
  • He is a mouth-breather.
  • He knows computers… He’s not fit for contact with humans.
  • He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.

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