Lawyer Jokes

How lawyer do it?

  • Lawyers do it with appeal.
  • Lawyers do it confidentially.
  • Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
  • Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
  • Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
  • Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Dumb Criminals

Double-barreled bank vault

Jim Nulf, retired from the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department,remembers a couple of midnight bandits who tried to steal money from whatthey thought was a local bank’s night depository. They lit a stick of dynamite,dropped it into the deposit slot and stepped back a few feet. Unfortunatelyfor them, they had confused the bank’s night depository with the drop vaultof a nearby car wash. The dynamite exploded, blowing the front off thevault. The paper money was blown to shreds and the coins were propelledout like shot out of a shotgun, severely wounding the would-be bank robbers.

Dimwit breaks into police surveillance van

I am a police constable with the Niagara Regional Police. Back in April,1995, I was asked to help out with a surveillance project at a local birdwatchingconservation park. We had a problem with purses, cameras and other valuesbeing stolen from parked vehicles at the park, and we wanted to put anend to it.

Here was the setup: We had an old Ford Tempo parked in the lot witha purse on the floor as “bait”. We then parked a nondescriptsurveillance van nearby from which we observed the Tempo. The van had afairly heavy tint on the windows, and we had a great view of the wholelot.My partner and I sat in the back of the van that Sunday morning and beganthe surveillance around 9:30 AM. We were well-supplied with food and drinksfor what we figured would be a long day.

Shortly after 10:00 AM, an old Pontiac Parisienne pulled into the lotand parked beside the surveillance van. Two males got out. The passengerwalked towards the birdwatching area and stopped. The driver got out andput on a pair of gloves. He completely ignored the “bait” vehicle,and tried to look into the back of the surveillance van. He was only inchesfrom me, but apparently couldn’t see me looking back at him. He then triedthe side door, which opened for him. He already had a foot into the vanwhen he noticed the two guys with guns in the back.

He said: “Hi Guys, What’s Up?”

When I got over my surprise, I told him: “You’re busted, that’swhat’s up.”

I then arrested the male with the help of my partner. After turningthe loser over to a uniform car, and sending his passenger on his way,my partner and I had a good laugh about this poor guy who broke into thesurveillance van.

Mommy and Clyde

A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without tellingher he planned to rob it. He told her to wait while he went inside to conducthis business. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash,only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocerystore to do some shopping.

Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

A Cleveland drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousinefor a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residenceto sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earna little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handeda camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.The driver, a moonlighting member of the Cleveland Police Department, washappy to comply.

I must be drunk. I can do that when I’m sober

I am a retired sergeant from the Sturbridge Police in Sturbridge, MA.One night one of my officers arrested a subject for driving under the influenceof alcohol. As the officer brought him into the booking room the subjectasked to use the bathroom. He was escorted to the bathroom.

When they returned to the booking area, which is video taped, the subjectran ahead of the officer and attempted to do a back flip and landed onhis face. He picked himself, looked into the camera, and said, “Imust be drunk because I can do that when I’m sober.”

Needless to say, he was convicted for driving under the influence ofalcohol.

Indecent exposure suspect calls cops

A call from an emergency call-box along U.S. 101 turned up a man whoallegedly had exposed himself to two women and eluded police by swimminginto the Bay, said South San Francisco police.

Peter Allen Steele, 29, of Union City, called police to report an assaultand car theft at approximately 2:45 a.m. Saturday, said police. Policearrived to find Steele naked on the side of the road, bruised and shivering.

Two women later identified Steele as the man who Friday night exposedhimself while driving a black Ford Taurus on Gateway Boulevard, said police.

Police received a call about the incident at 11:15 p.m. Friday and beganpursuit. After a chase at speeds over 100 mph, Steele, who stands 6 feet8 inches tall and weighs about 250 pounds, pulled off the highway northof the Sierra Point overpass, fled his car and jumped into the bay, saidpolice.

Police said Steele was not wearing pants when he fled the vehicle.

After searching the area between Candlestick Point and Oyster Pointwith a helicopter and boat, the Coast Guard called off the search at 2:25a.m.

About a half hour later, police received a call from the highway call-boxreporting an assault and car theft.

Steele told police he had been changing a flat tire when a group ofmen assaulted him and stole his black Ford Taurus. Police, however, recognizedSteele as the man they had chased the night before.

Steele was taken to Mills Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame to be treatedfor mild hypothermia and minor injuries. He was issued a citation for indecentexposure, evading pursuit and resisting arrest.

Random FAQs about lawyers

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it,you get nothing.”

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down toground control with their list of demands and added that if their demandsweren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while yourealize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who knowthe judge.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

  • “How many can you afford?”
  • It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
  • Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting bystanding up and shouting “Objection!”
  • Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
  • Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off theladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
  • Three. One to sue the power company for insufficientlysupplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made thebulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired thehouse, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
  • Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, oneto object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one towrite interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change thebulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
  • None, lawyers only screw us.
  • You Might Be a Lawyer if…

    • you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
    • you believe that a forty words’ sentence is a short one.
    • you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
    • you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it’s verbal or written.
    • your other car is a BMW.
    • when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
    • when your wife says “I love you,” you cross-examine her.

    Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

    • He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
    • When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
    • He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
    • He tells you that he has never told a lie.
    • A big sign in his office says: “Don’t ask me.”
    • A prison guard is shaving your head.

    New Evidence

    The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying:”I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defence.”
    The judge asked, “What new evidence could you have?”
    The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”

    A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

    The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
    “No,” the coroner replied.

    The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heartbeat?”
    The coroner said, “No.”

    “Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
    Again the coroner replied, “No.”

    The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
    The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

    Never Question Hell’s Punishment

    A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

    “That’s unfair !” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

    “Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

    Satan fights for his engineer.

    An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,”So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
    God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake –he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

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