Sports Jokes

Golf Miracles!

Jesus, Moses and an old man were out golfing Jesus steps up to the tee and lets a power drive loose. The ball flies right over to the middle of a lake. Jesus walks up over the water and shoots his ball out of the water right onto the green. Moses tees his ball upand he too unleashes one right into the lake. Moses walks up to the lake, parts the water and chips his ball onto the green. The old man steps up and he also blasts one out to the lake. Just as the ball is about to hit the water a fish jumps up and swallows the ball, just as an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. As the eagle flies over the green the ball flies out of the fishes mouth, lands on the green and into the cup.

8-iron

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter Ben?”

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

Ahh…Sweet Golf… – submitted by BethDay

  • There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly –or start cheating.
  • An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice– once before swinging, andonce again, after swinging.
  • Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize orlaugh.
  • Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you,and the fastest are those behind.
  • Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
  • There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, andreturn with three enemies.
  • Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
  • One day at the local golf course the Club Hacker challenged the Course Pro to a matchfor $100 dollars. The Hacker told the Pro that since he was much better than him, he mustspot the Hacker two Gotchas. The Pro had never heard of this but paid it no attention and agreed.
  • At the end of the match a few members had gathered to watch the Pro pay the Hacker $100dollars on Hole 18. As the Pro approached a member asked what happened. The Pro said wellI had to spot him two Gotchas. What the hell is that? the member asked.
  • Well I had honors on the first tee and as I approached the ball and spread my feet toassume my stance he reached up and grabbed my balls as hard as he could and yelled”Gotcha.” Have you ever tried to play 18 holes waiting on the second Gotcha.

When to quit golf?

Most golfers develop a lust for the game, some become very successful,some just never make it all work out. The following are some signs of when it is time toquit, particularly when your flight mates keep asking if you like bowling all the time.Unfortunately, as I type this, I notice some bad signs for myself.

  1. Your first putt is further from the cup than your chip
  2. You have had three putts and your flight mates tell you that your still away.
  3. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.
  4. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equiptment in your bag.
  5. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.
  6. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.
  7. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet fron the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.
  8. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.
  9. That starter leave a one hour gap after your tee off time.
  10. Your first putt ends up longer than your short approach chip.
  11. When you call fore on a par three everyone runs to the green for safety.
  12. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

Scuba Diving Jokes

  • How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?Four skin divers.
  • Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of thewater, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above theirheads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, “It’s thoseBuccaneers!!!” To which the other replies, “Yeah, mine are hurting too!”
  • Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middleof the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSIinstructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and startsto sink. The SSI instructor says to his students, “Okay, we’re in the middle of theocean, so we might as well do our deep dive.” The NAUI instructor says to his students, “Okay, we might as well do ournavigation dive, so let’s get our compasses out and swim towards shore.” The PADI instructor says to his students, “Okay, for $25 extra you guys getto do a wreck dive!”
  • When I got certified, the instructor always stressed that you never go divingalone. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you have equipmentproblems, your buddy can help you. If you meet a shark, your odds are 50-50instead of 100%”
  • Do you know what SCUBA really stands for?Some Come Up Barely Alive

More Hunting Jokes

  • From ‘News of the Weird’:A company in California has started to market “camouflage toilet paper” for usein the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim they have beenshot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who mistook them forwhite-tailed deer).
  • Two morons are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the latehours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, moron #1 saysto moron #2, “Maybe we’d do better if we threw the dog up higher.”
  • Did you hear about the moron who went elephant hunting?He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
  • A moron hunter gets lost in the woods, so he does the standard survivalprocedure of firing three shots into the air. Every few hours, he repeats this,but no one comes. Finally after two days, someone stumbles across him. “Boy amI glad to see you!!” he shouts, “I ran out of arrows about three hours ago.”
  • Two Poles went hunting. As they were driving to the hunting lodge, they saw asign which said “Bear Left”, so they went home.
  • How can hunters find their game in the woods?By listening to the tree bark.
  • From some L.A. paper, in a column by Roger Simon:A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all huntingaccidents come from hunters falling out of trees.
  • Two tourists in Africa decided to do some lion hunting. When they found somelion footprints, one of the tourists got scared. He whispered to his partner,”You follow this prints forward and find out where the lion is going. I’llfollow these prints backward and find out where the lion came from.”
  • Missouri – A man showing off a turkey he thought he had killed was shot in theleg last week when the wounded bird thrashed around in his car trunk andtriggered his shotgun. “The turkeys are fighting back.” said Sheriff RonSkiles. And well they might; it turns out Larry Lands, who was in satisfactorycondition in the hospital in Potosi, and his son, Larry Jr., 16, were hunting aweek before the start of turkey season and will probably be fined, the sheriffsaid.

“How about a little head?”

A man walked into a bar one evening, evoking a gasp from all who were there.The man’s head was extremely undersized in relation to his body. He seemed to not be bothered by it at all. He spent great sums of money in the bar treating all the guests to several rounds. The bartender struck up a conversation with the disfigured man and at last the subject came around to the mans deformity. He relayed this story: One day, I was out hunting and came upon the strangest sight I had ever beheld. There was this extremely beautiful winged woman pinned under the fallen branch of a tree. I immediately removed the large branch freeing her. She told me she was a fairy and that for saving her she would grant me three wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever want and a large house. I was having trouble coming up with the third wish when I looked her up and down and said my third wish was to have hours of passionate sex with her.She said that it was not possible. Trying to compromise, I asked if my third wish could be to just simply grope around on her body for a while. She said that too was impossible. She further stated that I could not touch her but that she could touch me. The idea immediately sprang into my mind but my choice of words was my undoing, “How about a little head?!”

Ugly Them To Death.

Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people. I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I never saw him bring a gun. One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels. He said, “No, I just ugly them to death.” Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done. Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel’s attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel. To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground,dead as a doornail. I told Thibodeaux, “It is hard to believe anybody can do that!” He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, “As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don’t let her hunt anymore, ’cause she messes up the meat too bad.”

Risks Of A Modern Weatherman Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged

A wind profiler in OAR’s Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern Nebraska and came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL) technician who was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the technician’s partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler really was. The hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended by law enforcement officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000.

Two Moose In A Plane Experiment

Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them:”I’ll be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?” One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: “Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.” One of the hunters replies: “Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a*big* tip to take both moose out.” The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet,10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: “Where the Hell are we?” The other looks around and replies: “About 100 yards further than we got last year!”

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