Baseball jokes

More Baseball Jokes

  • Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)Because of all the Giant Fans!
  • A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” “Right after the National Anthem.”
  • What is the difference between baseball and law?In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
  • A baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach. Suddenly, thecoach starts saying, “Germany, Italy, Spain, Britain.” The guy looks at him andsays, “Huh?” to which the coach replies… “Europe!”
  • What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?Babe Root.
  • Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995.Top Ten Signs You’re Not Watching A Real Baseball Team
10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
8. They keep shouting “Do over!”
7. When umpire yells, “Strike 3!” batter looks at him as if the dude’s speaking French.
6. Try as they might, they just can’t scratch themselves like professionals.
5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts “Dinner time!”
3. Players constantly adjusting each other’s cups.
2. You overheard the coach yelling, “Run, Forrest, run!”
1. They play like the Mets

Teacher’s Strike

Heard on Jay Leno:And here in L.A., there’s talk of a teachers’ strike. You know, if they ever strike, here’s what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.

Top Ten Baseball Player Demands

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994. Top Ten Baseball Player Demands[In case anyone has od’ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

10. No team flights on Continental Airlines.
9. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
8. Make it legal to cork their pants.
7. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
6. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
5. Two words: Streisand tickets.
4. Every team has to have at least one player named “Mookie”.
3. Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
2. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna’s bed.
1. More games against the Mets.

Dave Barry “Sports Is A Drag”

Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out incase of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there’s no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over from, say,right field, to deal with it. She’s been on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don’t trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she probably would elect to save the infant’s life, without ever considering whether there were men on base. – Dave Barry, “Sports Is A Drag”

Pete Rose Moving to Seattle

The rumor is that Pete Rose is thinking of moving to Seattle. Yes, he wants to get as far away from professional baseball as possible. (The Seattle team has had seven consecutive losing seasons.)

Englishman playing baseball

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. “Run!” his teammates cried. “For Pete’s sake, run!” The Brit turned and stared at them icily. “I jolly well shan’t run,” he replied. “Why should I? I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.”

Yogi Berra Quotes

  • Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
  • Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
  • Because it gets late early., on why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.
  • If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.
  • It ain’t over till it’s over.
  • It’s deja vu all over again.
  • No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.
  • We have very deep depth!
  • We made too many wrong mistakes.
  • You can observe a lot by just watching.
  • You don’t look so hot, either. (on being told by the mayor’s wife that he looked cool, despite the heat.)

Casey Stengel Quotes

Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

Great Baseball Quotes from Long Beach(CA)

Great baseball quotes, from the Long Beach (CA) Independent Press-Telegram,March 22, 1989.

It’s a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden, you’re surrounded by reporters and TV men with cameras asking you about Vietnam andrace relations. – Vida Blue, 1971.

I watch a lot of baseball on the radio. – Gerald Ford, 1978.

It’s a beautiful day for a night game. – Announcer Frankie Frisch.

The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen. -Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981.

Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win. – Announcer PhilRizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978.

It was too bad I wasn’t a second baseman; then I’d probably have seen a lot more of my husband. – Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981.

They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn -Casey Stengel, 1962.

I won’t play for a penny less than $1500. – Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000.

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  • This is an inside joke for Celeste
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  • don't be silly, I was training for a half marathon
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