Football Jokes

More Football Jokes

  • Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate? Because he’s lost all three of his bowls.
  • Why can’t John Elway use the phone anymore? Because he can’t find the receiver.
  • The real score of the game was not 55-10, but 55-31. The Broncos hung around after the game and managed to put a few more points on the board.
  • What is the difference between Cheerios and the Broncos. Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
  • John Elway couldn’t get into his house Sunday night. It seems someone had painted a goal line in front of his door!
  • I read in the paper this morning that two of the Denver Broncos playbooks were stolen. John Elway is very upset. He hadn’t finished coloring them.
  • Definition of an optimist: A Denver Bronco fan waiting at DIA (Denver International Airport) for the Broncos to return from winning the Super Bowl.
  • Cerebral hemorrhages are rarer among amateur and professional football players. So are brains.
  • What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute? A quarter-ton pickup.
  • What did the football player always get on his final exams in college? Drool.
  • What do collegiate football players usually get on their final exams? Drool.
  • What do Billy Graham and the O.U. Sooner football team have in common? They can both make a stadium of 60,000 people say “Oh, Jesus.”
  • My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible football team. They were in a league against intellectually third-rate colleges, and the U of C cheer was: That’s all right, That’s okay, You’re going to work for us someday!
  • Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap. – Patrick Mott
  • Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used? No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole.
  • Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta: Caller: What do you think about football? Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
  • What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
  • What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
  • In New York City, Mayor David Dinkins’s City Hall ceremony to honor the Super Bowl champion Giants had to be canceled after it was discovered that no one had invited the team. – The American Spectator, April 1991
  • Because it is not natural for a human being to hurl his body directly at another human being. – Chuck Noll, ex-Pittsburgh Steelers football coach, when asked why it is difficult to play pro football
  • What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
  • What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and Cheerios? Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
  • How many Bills players does it take to receive a kickoff? Two. One to catch the ball and one to tell him to go down.
  • How many Bills does it take to fumble the ball? Any of ’em.
  • Announcement from P.A. system at Texas Stadium: Will the parents who lost your eleven kids here at the stadium please come get them? They are leading the Cowboys 14-0.
  • Heard on WZZO (Lehigh Valley, PA): Did you hear that someone purchased the Buffalo Bills and is going to move them to Alaska? They are going to rename them the Arctic Chokes.
  • From the L.A. Times: The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It’s a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.
  • Today was mostly decision day. We made an agreement to agree over what we had agreed upon before. (???) – Tom Flores, former Seahawks general manager
  • After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. “Get up dear,” she said, “it’s 20 to seven.” He awoke with a start and said, “In who’s favor?”

Top Ten San Diego Chargers Excuses

From David Letterman – Monday, January 30, 1995 Top Ten San Diego Chargers Excuses

10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles.
9. We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show.
8. Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, “Chargers suck!”
7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are, not because we won some stupid game!
6. If only we’d had Shapiro and Cochran on defense.
5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs.
4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap.
3. Hard to concentrate when you’re having erotic fantasies about Kathie Lee.
2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy.
1. We’ve already been to Disneyland.

Top Ten Dallas Cowboys Excuses

From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Top Ten Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)

10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden’s announce booth.
8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert’s blooper reels.
7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: “Winning’s no big deal.”
6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams. [During a “Supermarket Finds” segment, Dave displayed a can of bloody clams]
2. What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
1. Tired of going to Disneyland.

Gay…

In Melbourne in May 1994, Australian Rules football player Russell Prowse was ejected from a game and severely reprimanded by the league. He had attempted to diffuse a potential brawl by grabbing opponent Scott Cameron and kissing him flush on the lips. Prowse’s gambit worked: Cameron reportedly staggered back, a hush came over the players and order was restored.

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team’s performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL. AFC West: Denver Broncos -] Denver Donkeys Kansas City Chiefs -] Kansas City Griefs Los Angeles Raiders -] Los Angeles Faders San Diego Chargers -] San Diego Rechargers Seattle Seahawks -] Seattle Weehawks AFC Central: Cincinnati Bengals -] Cincinnati Plaingels Cleveland Browns -] Cleveland Clowns Houston Oilers -] Houston Spoilers Pittsburgh Steelers -] Pittsburgh Reelers AFC East: Buffalo Bills -] Buffalo Nils Buffalo Bills -] Buffalo Spills Indianapolis Colts -] Indianapolis Dolts Miami Dolphins -] Miami Stallfins Miami Dolphins -] Miami Soft Ones New England Patriots -] New England Patsys New York Jets -] New York Pets New York Jets -] New York Not Yets NFC West: Atlanta Falcons -] Atlanta Fellcons New Orleans Saints -] New Orleans Aint’s Los Angeles Rams -] Los Angeles Lambs San Francisco 49ers -] San Francisco Whiners NFC Central: Chicago Bears -] Chicago Fairs Detroit Lions -] Detroit Cryin’s Detroit Lions -] Detroit Kittens Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Fudgepackers Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Slackers Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Whackers Minnesota Vikings -] Minnesota Tykes Minnesota Vikings -] Minnesota ViQueens Tampa Bay Buccaneers -] Tampa Bay Yuccaneers NFC East: Arizona Cardinals -] Arizona Tardynals Dallas Cowboys -] Dallas Cowgirls Dallas Cowboys -] Dallas Cowpie New York Giants -] New York Midgets Philadelphia Eagles -] Philadelphia Beagles Washington Redskins -] Washington Deadskins Washington Redskins -] Washington Foreskins Expansion Teams: Carolina Panthers -] Carolina Can’t-thers Jacksonville Jaguars -] Jacksonville Saguars

You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if …

  • your school’s cheers do not include “Defense, Defense!”
  • your team does not have a defensive coordinator
  • your team has two offensive coordinators
  • your score board has 3 digits for Home and Away scores
  • your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
  • you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the ‘bomb’
  • you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation
  • a ‘defensive back’ is on your state’s endangered species list
  • ‘Offensive Statistician’ is a Math degree at your school
  • at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized
  • your kickoff cover team also runs marathons
  • the phrase “you go long” appears on every page of your play book
  • your quarterback’s performance is rated in miles instead of yards
  • your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game
  • the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring
  • you think playing linebackers as safeties is a good idea
  • you think the words “pass rush” means that the quarterback threw too soon
  • you don’t know what a tackling dummy is
  • you play offensive guard because you just couldn’t catch passes like the tackles
  • you consider “the bomb” to be as efficient as running off tackle in any situation
  • the usual “2 Minute Drill” is renamed the “15 Minute Drill”
  • your team has defensive formations named “Red Snoopy”, “Sieve”, and “Far From Stopping”
  • your Strong Safety is Al Bundy’s brother except he let the other team score 4 touchdowns in every game
  • your alma mater has school offensive categories such as: o “Number of Passes Thrown On the Run” o “Number of Bombs Attempted” o “Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball”
  • your team’s Quarterback is also the track team’s Javelin Thrower
  • you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team
  • you think the ‘Wishbone’ is part of a Turkey
  • you think a ‘Triple Option Quarterback’ is one who opts to: 1. throw the bomb, or 2. throw the bomb, or 3. throw it away
  • you think ‘sieve’ is a standard reference to defensive backs
  • the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen, before halftime
  • you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights
  • more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game
  • speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40
  • it’s standard practice to re-turf the field after a home game
  • your recruiters are ex-marathon runners
  • your band uses substitutions
  • your band doubles as a scrimmage team
  • any band member is know a starter
  • at any point during the game you need a computer to figure out the combinations of field goals and touchdowns you’re down by
  • you’re up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words “We’ve blown bigger leads than this.” keep echoing through your mind
  • it regularly takes your receivers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle after each play
  • you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle
  • when some-one says “…carry the ball in the breadbasket…” you give them a blank stare
  • you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software, related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season
  • you’re more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average
  • you’re more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for passes or passing yards attempted
  • any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play
  • you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest
  • air traffic controllers can watch the game on their radar screens
  • you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more offense
  • you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your defense on the field
  • you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have doubled over in laughter
  • the only drug the team doctor carries is “amphetamines”
  • your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your team declines the penalty
  • your team’s water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the field during a time out
  • the under-over betting line is more than 100 points
  • the “Hail Mary” is on page 1 of your playbook
  • the word ‘Defense’ is confused with the trailer-park phrase “Da Fence”
  • your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a time-out because the whole offensive line is confused
  • your team considers a ‘running play’ as a live show that is currently at the Orpheum Theater
  • the first line of your recruiting brochure is “Have you ever thought of being a wide receiver?”
  • the words “This is not missprint” appear with your box scores
  • your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one order of magnitude
  • keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts
  • your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint
  • your new defensive coordinator just came off a successful season in Pee-Wee league
  • you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team from another conference

Gas Station Bully.

Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station upon retirement from the NFL. A visitor to town asked whether or not he was successful. “Once someone gets gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else”, a local told him. “Is the service that good?” asked the visitor. “No, not really.” said the local. “Does he have the best price?” “About the same as everybody else.” “Then the gas must be better.” “No, it’s just regular gas.” “Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?” “Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Bronco Nagurski can get it back off.”

Football History

Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending winter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls of plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators. In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called “The Oval”, an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of “The Oval” is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbath in every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of population where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormous churches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares in size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual development of the culture that produced them. Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous). The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who control the services through a time period divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons. The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of willingness to die for the love of mother. The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg. However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side, there are eleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called “possession” of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped “huddle,” as it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other. Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg. In a typical “formation”, there are seven priests “on the line,” seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the “seven last words” but actually, with sublimation of the “seven deadly sins” into “the seven cardinal principles of education.” The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands, while over his back quarters hovers the “Quarterback.” The transposition of “back quarters” to “quarterback” is easily explained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious posture assumed by the “Quarterback,” as he hovers over the central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art, but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the “quarter-back” symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts, namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the instinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the “pleasure-pain” excitement of the hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter- back. Behind him are three priests representing the male triad. At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual. At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most intricate gyrations. The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire service. This concerns the mystical rite of “conversion” following success of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line of Winter. As the moment of “conversion” approaches, the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, praying that “the uprights will be split.” “Conversion” is indeed a dedicated ceremony.

Don’t just boast.

With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. “Oh, I have a three point eight, so I’m much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals,” she said. “What’s your G. P. A.?” Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, “I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway.”

Worst Football Score.

The best/worst football score, was of course Georgia Tech: 222 Cumberland Gap: 0 GT played everybody they had, anyone in uniform, and maybe the waterboys and cheerleaders (I forget). CG immediately and permanently disbanded its football team. Personally, I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised primarily of old CG men. [A whole book has been written on this game, and it is quite amusing. I don’t remember the title, but I remember seeing the book. -spaf]

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