Hunting Jokes

More Hunting Jokes

  • From ‘News of the Weird’:A company in California has started to market “camouflage toilet paper” for usein the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim they have beenshot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who mistook them forwhite-tailed deer).
  • Two morons are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the latehours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, moron #1 saysto moron #2, “Maybe we’d do better if we threw the dog up higher.”
  • Did you hear about the moron who went elephant hunting?He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
  • A moron hunter gets lost in the woods, so he does the standard survivalprocedure of firing three shots into the air. Every few hours, he repeats this,but no one comes. Finally after two days, someone stumbles across him. “Boy amI glad to see you!!” he shouts, “I ran out of arrows about three hours ago.”
  • Two Poles went hunting. As they were driving to the hunting lodge, they saw asign which said “Bear Left”, so they went home.
  • How can hunters find their game in the woods?By listening to the tree bark.
  • From some L.A. paper, in a column by Roger Simon:A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all huntingaccidents come from hunters falling out of trees.
  • Two tourists in Africa decided to do some lion hunting. When they found somelion footprints, one of the tourists got scared. He whispered to his partner,”You follow this prints forward and find out where the lion is going. I’llfollow these prints backward and find out where the lion came from.”
  • Missouri – A man showing off a turkey he thought he had killed was shot in theleg last week when the wounded bird thrashed around in his car trunk andtriggered his shotgun. “The turkeys are fighting back.” said Sheriff RonSkiles. And well they might; it turns out Larry Lands, who was in satisfactorycondition in the hospital in Potosi, and his son, Larry Jr., 16, were hunting aweek before the start of turkey season and will probably be fined, the sheriffsaid.

“How about a little head?”

A man walked into a bar one evening, evoking a gasp from all who were there.The man’s head was extremely undersized in relation to his body. He seemed to not be bothered by it at all. He spent great sums of money in the bar treating all the guests to several rounds. The bartender struck up a conversation with the disfigured man and at last the subject came around to the mans deformity. He relayed this story: One day, I was out hunting and came upon the strangest sight I had ever beheld. There was this extremely beautiful winged woman pinned under the fallen branch of a tree. I immediately removed the large branch freeing her. She told me she was a fairy and that for saving her she would grant me three wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever want and a large house. I was having trouble coming up with the third wish when I looked her up and down and said my third wish was to have hours of passionate sex with her.She said that it was not possible. Trying to compromise, I asked if my third wish could be to just simply grope around on her body for a while. She said that too was impossible. She further stated that I could not touch her but that she could touch me. The idea immediately sprang into my mind but my choice of words was my undoing, “How about a little head?!”

Ugly Them To Death.

Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people. I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I never saw him bring a gun. One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels. He said, “No, I just ugly them to death.” Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done. Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel’s attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel. To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground,dead as a doornail. I told Thibodeaux, “It is hard to believe anybody can do that!” He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, “As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don’t let her hunt anymore, ’cause she messes up the meat too bad.”

Risks Of A Modern Weatherman Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged

A wind profiler in OAR’s Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern Nebraska and came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL) technician who was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the technician’s partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler really was. The hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended by law enforcement officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000.

Two Moose In A Plane Experiment

Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them:”I’ll be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?” One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: “Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.” One of the hunters replies: “Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a*big* tip to take both moose out.” The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet,10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: “Where the Hell are we?” The other looks around and replies: “About 100 yards further than we got last year!”

Duck Hunting Technique

Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch. “Want some?” he asks his mate. “No, I’ve got to concentrate on hunting ducks.” “Okay…” he says and happily drains the bottle. They go back to watching for ducks. Again, the man gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch. “Want some.” he asks again. “No, thanks” is his reply “Your loss.” he says and happily drains the bottle. He’s pretty sloshed bynow, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks. A minute later, a single duck flies up. “Bang!!!” goes his mates gun. “Damn, missed” his mate says.The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. “Bang!!!” his gun goes. He kills the duck straight. “Wow,” his mate, “how did you do that?” “Well,” he replied, “when there’s a whole flock, you can hardly miss, can you?”

He got the cow!

From the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman’s, Rt.1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. (supposedly true) A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?” The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car. While walking back,however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”

Free kick in the balls!

A stockbroker from New York City got tired of all the stories of his office colleagues who went duck hunting each year. They frequently boasted of their prowess in the hunt and how many ducks they had bagged. So not to be outdone this broker decides he’s going hunting to show them all up. He buys the most expensive shotgun available, all his hunting clothes and gear from L. L. Bean,gets his license and goes hunting. After an exasperating day of tromping through the marshes and briars without seeing a single duck, he heads back to his car. On the way back, he sees a duckfly overhead. He raises his gun and blazes away at it and actually hit it. The duck fall into a nearby farmyard. As the hunter starts to climb over the fence to retrieve his kill, he’s confronted by a farmer who says, “Where in the hell,do you think you’re going city boy?” The guy replies, “I’m going to get my duck.” The farmer replies, “My property, my duck.” The guy says, “Oh come on, I’ve been out here all day and and that’s the only duck I’ve seen, I shot it, it’s my duck!” The farmer again says, “My property, my duck.” Well, they argued for a few minutes and, finally, the farmer says, “I’ll tell you what, we’ll settle this country style.” The guy says, “What’s that?” The farmer says, “Well, I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and then you kick me in the balls as hard as you can, and we keep this up and the lastman standing keeps the duck.” The guy not wanting to return home empty-handed reluctantly agrees. The farmer wearing large heavy work boots haul back and kicks the guy in the balls with all his might. The guy’s eyes roll back in his head, he coughs and wheezesbut barely manages to remain standing. He composes himself somewhat and says to the farmer, “Okay, now its my turn.” The farmer replies, “You can have the duck.”

Don’t mess with hunters.

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. It’s early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, “Now, remember these woods have allot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot one, run rightover to it and guard it with your life. If you don’t someone else will.” The wife nods okay. “And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. I’ll be over as soon as I can.” And again the wife nods okay. “Now, this is what we’re going to do. See that ridge to your right. You’re going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left.” They both agree and go to their blinds. About thirty minutes after sunrise,the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He thinks to himself, “Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!” Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the otherridge. He thinks, “Oh, great. Now she’s in trouble.” Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge. As he reached the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man withher gun. The husband gingerly walked up to them and said, “Alright, what’s going on here!?!” Promptly the other man looks at the husband and says, “Look, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just let me get the saddle off first.”

Latest Pins on Pinterest

  • Follow Me on Pinterest

Short Jokes via Twitter