Sports Jokes

Duck Hunting Technique

Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch. “Want some?” he asks his mate. “No, I’ve got to concentrate on hunting ducks.” “Okay…” he says and happily drains the bottle. They go back to watching for ducks. Again, the man gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch. “Want some.” he asks again. “No, thanks” is his reply “Your loss.” he says and happily drains the bottle. He’s pretty sloshed bynow, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks. A minute later, a single duck flies up. “Bang!!!” goes his mates gun. “Damn, missed” his mate says.The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. “Bang!!!” his gun goes. He kills the duck straight. “Wow,” his mate, “how did you do that?” “Well,” he replied, “when there’s a whole flock, you can hardly miss, can you?”

He got the cow!

From the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman’s, Rt.1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. (supposedly true) A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?” The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car. While walking back,however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”

Free kick in the balls!

A stockbroker from New York City got tired of all the stories of his office colleagues who went duck hunting each year. They frequently boasted of their prowess in the hunt and how many ducks they had bagged. So not to be outdone this broker decides he’s going hunting to show them all up. He buys the most expensive shotgun available, all his hunting clothes and gear from L. L. Bean,gets his license and goes hunting. After an exasperating day of tromping through the marshes and briars without seeing a single duck, he heads back to his car. On the way back, he sees a duckfly overhead. He raises his gun and blazes away at it and actually hit it. The duck fall into a nearby farmyard. As the hunter starts to climb over the fence to retrieve his kill, he’s confronted by a farmer who says, “Where in the hell,do you think you’re going city boy?” The guy replies, “I’m going to get my duck.” The farmer replies, “My property, my duck.” The guy says, “Oh come on, I’ve been out here all day and and that’s the only duck I’ve seen, I shot it, it’s my duck!” The farmer again says, “My property, my duck.” Well, they argued for a few minutes and, finally, the farmer says, “I’ll tell you what, we’ll settle this country style.” The guy says, “What’s that?” The farmer says, “Well, I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and then you kick me in the balls as hard as you can, and we keep this up and the lastman standing keeps the duck.” The guy not wanting to return home empty-handed reluctantly agrees. The farmer wearing large heavy work boots haul back and kicks the guy in the balls with all his might. The guy’s eyes roll back in his head, he coughs and wheezesbut barely manages to remain standing. He composes himself somewhat and says to the farmer, “Okay, now its my turn.” The farmer replies, “You can have the duck.”

Don’t mess with hunters.

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. It’s early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, “Now, remember these woods have allot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot one, run rightover to it and guard it with your life. If you don’t someone else will.” The wife nods okay. “And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. I’ll be over as soon as I can.” And again the wife nods okay. “Now, this is what we’re going to do. See that ridge to your right. You’re going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left.” They both agree and go to their blinds. About thirty minutes after sunrise,the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He thinks to himself, “Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!” Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the otherridge. He thinks, “Oh, great. Now she’s in trouble.” Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge. As he reached the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man withher gun. The husband gingerly walked up to them and said, “Alright, what’s going on here!?!” Promptly the other man looks at the husband and says, “Look, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just let me get the saddle off first.”

More Fishing Jokes

  • Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggestfish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishingaround you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won’t make him truthful.
  • “Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing everyweekend?” asked Jane’s best friend. “Why shouldn’t I?” Jane inquired. “Well, maybe he is having an affair?” “No way, he returns every time without any fish…”
  • Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends?She came home with a red snapper.
  • Steven Wright on fishing:Last year, I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. Hecaught every other fish.There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like anidiot.
  • Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance:Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back; the big ones, you mount!
  • Three Men And A Baby”What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
  • In January 1994, at the Lake Como Fish and Game Club near Syracuse, N.Y., BrianCarr beat out three dozen competitors in the annual ice-fishing derby, with 155catches. The temperature that day was minus 30, and the prize money for thetop three anglers was $8, $6.50, and $5.
  • A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two localspulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. “That’s what I like to see,”said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.” As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he suredoesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”
  • To catch the fish, it’s not how you throw the bait, but how you wiggle yourworm.
  • Two morons go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.2nd moron: Yes, I made an ‘X’ on the side of the boat to mark the spot.1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?
  • My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.
  • I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s theonly time he hears someone tell him, “Wow, that’s a big one!”
  • “I didn’t see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playingfootball instead.””That’s not true, vicar. And I’ve got the fish to prove it!”

Fishing Technique

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn’t even gotten a bite. Jethro asks, “Billy Bob, what’s your secret?” Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.” Jethro asks, “What did you say?” Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.” Jethro again asks, “What?” Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, “You gotta keep the worms warm!”

How to help a friend without a fishing license.

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin license, boy!” the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes sir,” replied the young feller. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one…”

Fish Language Research

This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972.Talking To Fish by Bill Kennedy A character in one of Shakespeare’s plays, boasting of his accomplishments said, “I can call up monsters from the vast deep.” Any fisherman could have given the answer, “So can I and so can any man, but will they come?” Men and women have been calling to fish, pleading with them, and swearing at them without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research project may change that situation. Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but have made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded that indicate,at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to communicating what is on his mind to another fish. If the research continues as planned, it should be only a matter of time until man will be able to reproduce fish noises and communicate what is on his mind to bass, perch, and catfish. All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should be cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment. The reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the research continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be the pleasant and relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a business of bellowing speeches in fish language designed to convince fish that they would be better off on the bank or in the boat than they are in the water. In such circumstances, any fool knows who the men that will catch all the fish will be.They will be politicians!

Dog got eaten.

The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail. Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today,we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of Moscow. The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when itvanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog’s master, who was fishing at the time,hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) “There by hangs a tail.” Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike, “barking excitedly.” It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got away. In this case, Radio Moscow not withstanding, will it be any easier totell about the one that didn’t?

Don’t laugh on dad.

Henry’s son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. “Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then,while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away.” “Now come on, David,” his mother said, “a big boy like you shouldn’t be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off.” “But that’s just what I did, mommy.”

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