Fulldeckisms Part 1

  • A couple of blocks behind the parade.
  • A mind like wet tennis shoes… Makes squishy noises when running.
  • A notch off the timing mark.
  • A one-bit brain with a parity error.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • A square with only three sides.
  • A victim of retroactive birth control.
  • A statue in a world of pigeons.
  • About half smart.
  • Adult child of alien invaders.
  • Afraid she’ll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
  • Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray — twice.
  • All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
  • Already visualizing the duct tape over his mouth.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • Answers the door when the phone rings.
  • Argues with herself — and loses!
  • As handy as a whiskbroom and twice as intelligent. — Peter DeVries
  • As happy as if he had brains / was in his right mind.
  • Barney’s his hero.
  • Born a day late and like that ever since.
  • Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
  • Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
  • Brain transplant donor.
  • Cackles a lot, but I ain’t seen no eggs yet.
  • Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • “Body by Fisher — brains by Mattel.”
  • $HOME = /dev/null.
  • 3K RAM free, no EMS.
  • A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
  • A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.
  • A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
  • A 20th century man… The guy has no future.
  • A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
  • A barnacle on the ship of progress.
  • A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
  • A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
  • A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.
  • A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve fromrectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.)
  • A day late and a dollar short.
  • A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
  • A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
  • A face designed in a wind tunnel.
  • A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and… What was the question?
  • A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
  • A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
  • A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he’d have togive up chewing gum.
  • A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
  • A lap behind the field.
  • A legend in his own mind.
  • A logically defunct twit.
  • A looney tune.
  • A lot of feathers but not much chicken. — Kim Mitchell
  • A medical mystery.
  • A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. — Tom Waits
  • A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
  • A modest little person, with much to be modest about. — Churchill
  • A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
  • A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
  • A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • A penalty kick over the bar. (in soccer)
  • A peripheral visionary.
  • A poor excuse for protoplasm.
  • A quart low.
  • A real rocket scientologist.
  • A real space cadet.
  • A return with no gosub.
  • A room temperature IQ — centigrade.
  • A semitone flat on the high notes.
  • A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
  • A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
  • A standard deviant.
  • A teapot with a cracked lid.
  • A titanic intellect… In a world full of icebergs.
  • A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
  • A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
  • A violin minus the bow.
  • A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.
  • A waste of skin.
  • A wind-up clock without a key.
  • Airhead / bubble-brain.
  • Alive today only because it’s illegal to kill him.
  • All booster, no payload.
  • All cassette, no tape.
  • All crown, no filling.
  • All fetch and no execute.
  • All foam, no beer.
  • All foliage, no fruit.
  • All hammer, no nail.
  • All hat and no cattle.
  • All hawk and no spit. — Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot
  • All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
  • All his eggs in the same basket.
  • All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
  • All icing, no cake.
  • All lime and salt, no tequila.
  • All missile, no warhead.
  • All of his bytes are odd.
  • All Preparation, no H.
  • All shot, no powder.
  • All signs and no scenery. — John Taylor
  • All the lights don’t shine in her marquee.
  • All the notes, none of the music.
  • All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
  • All thrust/mach, no vector.
  • All wax and no wick.
  • Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
  • Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
  • Always late… Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
  • Always needs to have jokes explained.
  • Always responds to “Make Money Fast” postings on the Net.
  • Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
  • Always speaks her mind, so usually she’s speechless.
  • An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  • An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
  • An Apple //e on UUCP.
  • An early example of the Peter Principle.
  • An ego like a black hole.
  • An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of yearswith walnut-sized brains.
  • An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
  • An inch short and a stroke early.
  • An innundated receptacle of primordial ooze.
  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
  • Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
  • Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
  • Any connection between his reality and ours is purely coincidental.
  • Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
  • Any slower and he’d be in reverse. — Gignac
  • Any smarter and he’d be retarded.
  • Argues with herself — and loses!
  • As bent as a corkscrew.
  • As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
  • As dumb as an ox.
  • As focused as a fart.
  • As happy as the village idiot.
  • As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
  • as popular as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding.
  • As quick as a corpse.
  • As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
  • As sharp as a bag of wet mice. — Foghorn Leghorn
  • As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head /wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich,and twice as smart.
  • As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
  • As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
  • As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
  • As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
  • As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
  • As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
  • As useful as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
  • As useful as a brick lifevest.
  • As useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret.
  • As useful as a chocolate teapot / fireguard.
  • As useful as a football bat.
  • As useful as a fur-lined walking stick.
  • As useful as a glass hammer.
  • As useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
  • As useful as a kickstand on a horse.
  • As useful as a lead parachute.
  • As useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
  • As useful as a spit valve on a guitar.
  • As useful as a top hat with pockets.
  • As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  • As useful as an inflatable cheeseknife.
  • As useful as bolognese sauce on shoe laces.
  • As useful as bookends down a well.
  • As useful as green stop lights.
  • As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower.
  • At least he has a positive attitude about his destructive habits.
  • Attic’s a little dusty.
  • Back burners not fully operating.
  • Bad spot on the disk.
  • Baler done run out of twine.
  • Bandwidth limited.
  • Bats have flown the belfry, and now he’s all alone.
  • Bats in the belfry.
  • Batteries not included.
  • Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
  • Been one too many times through the wormhole.
  • Been playing with his wand too much.
  • Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
  • Been short on oxygen one time too many.
  • Been using her head as a mass driver.
  • Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
  • Blew his O-rings.
  • Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
  • Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / puncheswith his head.
  • Blown/leaking head gasket.
  • Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end ofthe gene pool.
  • Born too late — he’d have been a great Neanderthal.
  • Born ugly and built to last.
  • Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/…
  • Brain is running on empty.
  • Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
  • Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • Bright as an acetylene torch — without an oxygen supply.
  • Brings a knife to a gunfight. — Sean Connery, The Untouchables
  • Brings binoculars to submarine races.
  • Broadcasts static.
  • Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
  • Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
  • Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
  • Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
  • Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excretaon a frozen pond.
  • Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
  • Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
  • Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
  • Calls people to ask them their phone number.
  • Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
  • Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
  • Can easily be confused with facts.
  • Can only remember her old passwords.
  • Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
  • Can’t count his balls and get the same answer twice.
  • Can’t dial 911 because she can’t find “11” on the phone.
  • Can’t find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/map/flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
  • Can’t find his couch in the living room.
  • Can’t find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
  • Can’t hold water in a bucket. (Can’t keep a secret.)
  • Can’t program his way out of a for-loop.
  • Car’s only got three wheels, and one’s going flat.
  • Carrier wave unmodulated.
  • Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
  • Cart can’t hold all the groceries.
  • Cauliflower for brains.
  • Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)
  • Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
  • Charming as a carbuncle.
  • Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
  • Cheezwiz for brains.
  • Chimney’s clogged.
  • Clock doesn’t have all its numbers.
  • Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
  • Cold / flat / dry as a witch’s tit.
  • Colder than a well-digger’s ass in the Klondike.
  • Collects cards for Craig.
  • Communications with him is limited to ping.
  • Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  • Confused as a lesbian in a fishmongers.
  • Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
  • Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
  • Contributes to collections like this one without searching firstto see if their little gem is already listed.
  • Contributes to the population problem.
  • Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else’s eulogy.
  • Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize.
  • Couldn’t balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
  • Couldn’t be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight anda three-way mirror.
  • Couldn’t count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
  • Couldn’t engineer his way out of a wet paper bag.
  • Couldn’t figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
  • Couldn’t find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
  • Couldn’t find oil with a dipstick.
  • Couldn’t find two Saint Bernards if they were in the sametelephone booth with him.
  • Couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field full ofhorny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk anddid the clue mating dance.
  • Couldn’t get laid if he crawled up a chicken’s rear end andwaited his turn.
  • Couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack ofbananas. — David Spade
  • Couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel.
  • Couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
  • Couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.
  • Couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
  • Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • Couldn’t run out of sight on a dark night / in a week.
  • Couldn’t scratch his ass with a hand full of fish hooks.
  • Couldn’t tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
  • Couldn’t think/pee/fight his way out of a paper bag.
  • Couldn’t write dialog for a porno flick.
  • CPU doesn’t pick up on all clock cycles.
  • CPU is always in powersave mode.
  • CPU not connected to the bus.
  • Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
  • Cranio-rectally inverted.
  • Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.
  • Cunning as a dodo bird.
  • Cursor’s flashing but there’s no response.
  • Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
  • Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
  • Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
  • Defective hard drive / boot sector.
  • Dense as a London fog.
  • Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  • Differently clued. — Dave Clark
  • Dock doesn’t quite reach the water.
  • Does aerobics… in his head.
  • Does everything the hard way, like making love standing upin a hammock.
  • Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges)
  • Doesn’t adjust for leap years.
  • Doesn’t consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
  • Doesn’t have a fart’s prayer in a hurricane.
  • Doesn’t have a round in every chamber.
  • Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
  • Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /groceries in the same bag.
  • Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
  • Doesn’t have both oars in the water — can’t even find the damn boat.
  • Doesn’t have elastic in both of his socks.
  • Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
  • Doesn’t have sixteen annas to the rupee.
  • Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
  • Doesn’t have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
  • Doesn’t have two neurons to rub together.
  • Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much.
  • Doesn’t just wear perfume, she marinates in it.
  • Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. — Billing
  • Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
  • Doesn’t know which side the toast is buttered on.
  • Doesn’t need to worry about excess knowledge.
  • Doesn’t put the cross-hairs on the target.
  • Doesn’t quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
  • Doesn’t suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
  • Doesn’t suffer from stress, she’s a carrier.
  • Don’t blame him, he’s from Uranus.
  • Don’t know what his problem is, but it’s hard to pronounce.
  • Donated her body to science fiction.
  • Donated her body to scientists… Before she was done using it.
  • Downhill skiing in Iowa.
  • Driveway doesn’t quite reach the garage.
  • Driving at night with the lights off.
  • Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place.
  • Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
  • Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.
  • Dropped his second stage too soon.
  • Dropped on his head as a child.
  • Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
  • Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks / sled tracks.
  • During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
  • Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
  • Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
  • Echoes between the ears.
  • Eight pawns short of a gambit.
  • Either the good twin or the evil one, hard to say.
  • Electroencephalographically challenged.
  • Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor / penthouse /mezzanine.
  • Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn’t open.
  • Elevator is on the ground floor and he’s pushing the Down button.
  • Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.
  • Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy ofthe list attached.
  • End of season sale at the cerebral department. — Gareth Blackstock
  • Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
  • Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
  • Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
  • Even in victory, he’s a loser.
  • Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
  • Evolved from a toxic waste dump.
  • Failed the Turing test.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
  • Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /pop gun / cap gun.
  • Finds a flat by swapping tires.
  • Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
  • Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
  • Fired from McDonald’s for having a short attention span.
  • Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
  • Flaky.
  • Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapultlaunch on an aircraft carrier.)
  • Flying/landing on one engine.
  • Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
  • Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
  • Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
  • For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
  • Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
  • Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  • Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
  • Four bits short of a full DEC.
  • Four bows short of a string quartet.
  • Four cents short of a nickel.
  • Fruit looking for a cake to happen.
  • Full of wisdumb.
  • Full throttle, dry tank.
  • Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
  • Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
  • Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but thetrain isn’t coming.
  • Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.
  • Gears grind/don’t always mesh.
  • Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
  • Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
  • Gets his orders from another planet.
  • Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
  • Gets lost in thought — it’s unfamiliar territory.
  • Gets parity errors under load.
  • Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain’t got no cattle.
  • Goalie for the dart team.
  • God might still use him for miracle practice.
  • God’s favorite target for lightning strikes.
  • Goes with the flow… He’s a bed wetter.
  • Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
  • Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
  • Got help, but it didn’t help. — Bob Thaves
  • Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning — like always.
  • Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
  • Gyros are loose.
  • Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
  • Had a head crash / her server’s crashed.
  • Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have beenhard-pressed to find the material to make a canarya set of cami-knickers. — P.G. Wodehouse
  • Half a bubble off plumb. — attributed to Mark Twain
  • Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
  • Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
  • Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace ismissing from his deck altogether.
  • Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life.
  • Has a bird’s-eye view, and a brain to match.
  • Has a bus fault problem.
  • Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.
  • Has a face only a mother could love — but she hates it too.
  • Has a few wait states.
  • Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
  • Has a leak in his ceiling.
  • Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.
  • Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
  • Has a personality all her own… No one else wanted it. — Jim Davis
  • Has a pulse, but that’s about all.
  • Has a random memory fault.
  • Has a slow clock.
  • Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, “matrix” comes from the Latin “womb”.)
  • Has a two-bit operating system.
  • Has achieved inner peace, but still displays outer obnoxiousness.
  • Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
  • Has all the brains God gave a duck’s ass.
  • Has an hourglass figure, but most of the sand is on thep.m. side. — Thaves
  • Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
  • Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
  • Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.
  • Has change for a seven dollar bill.
  • Has delusions of adequacy.
  • Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
  • Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.
  • Has his brain on cruise control again.
  • Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
  • Has it floored in neutral.
  • Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
  • Has no discretionary intellect.
  • Has no upper stage.
  • Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
  • Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
  • Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can’tremember any of them.
  • Has plenty of talent and vision, just doesn’t give a damn.
  • Has resonance where others have brains.
  • Has signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.
  • Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it’s likewatching tennis.
  • Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  • Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).
  • Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
  • Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
  • Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
  • Has the mental agility of a soap dish. — National Lampoon
  • Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
  • Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
  • Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • Hasn’t caught on that X and Y are relative values.
  • Hasn’t got all his china in the cupboard.
  • Hasn’t got the brains God gave a cat.
  • Hasn’t got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.
  • Hasn’t lost his mind — it’s backed up on tape somewhere.
  • Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing.
  • He came, he saw, he clutched.
  • HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
  • He can push but he can’t pop.
  • He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
  • He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
  • He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
  • He has a good point… Six inches above his eyes.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • He has two left feet.
  • He hasn’t a single redeeming vice. — Oscar Wilde
  • He is a man of few words and he does not know what eitherof them mean. — Prachett
  • He is a mouth-breather.
  • He knows computers… He’s not fit for contact with humans.
  • He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.

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