Fulldeckisms Part 3

  • One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.)
  • One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker iswhere it’s stored.)
  • One shrimp short of a barbie.
  • One side short of a pentagon.
  • One signature short of a book.
  • One slate short of a full roof.
  • One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
  • One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  • One sock short of a pair.
  • One song short of a musical.
  • One span short of a bridge.
  • One spoon short of a full set.
  • One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
  • One step short of the attic.
  • One stick short of a bundle.
  • One straw short of a bale.
  • One strawberry short of a quart.
  • One strike past being called out.
  • One sub short of a party platter.
  • One taco/enchilada/chalupa short of a combination/Mexican plate.
  • One teabag short of a pot.
  • One tilde short of a full URL.
  • One tile missing from his space shuttle.
  • One tile short of a successful re-entry.
  • One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
  • One too many rides on the Zipper.
  • One tower short of a castle.
  • One tree short of a hammock.
  • One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
  • One volt below threshold.
  • One weight short of a shipwreck.
  • One word short of a.
  • One yard short of the hole.
  • Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
  • Only one oar in the water.
  • Only opens his mouth to change feet.
  • Only playing with 51 cards.
  • Only playing with the jokers.
  • Operating in stand-by mode.
  • Organizationally impaired.
  • Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
  • Out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • Out there where the buses don’t run.
  • Outlet isn’t grounded.
  • Over the rainbow.
  • Overdue for reincarnation.
  • Overruns above 110 baud.
  • Paged/swapped out.
  • Parallel mind, serial world.
  • Parallel world, serial mind.
  • Paralyzed from the neck up.
  • Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
  • Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
  • Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
  • People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
  • Perfect chassis, bad driver.
  • Perfect face for Halloween.
  • Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh…)
  • Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
  • Permanently out to lunch.
  • Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
  • Phototrophic on a better day.
  • Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  • Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
  • Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
  • Playing hockey with a warped puck.
  • Playing Scrabble, but we can’t figure out what words he’s building.
  • Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
  • Plays solitaire… For cash.
  • Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
  • Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
  • Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
  • Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
  • Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
  • Pressure’s up, but there’s a slow leak somewhere.
  • Pretty as 20 miles of bad road.
  • Produces a zero-length core dump.
  • Programmed into an infinite loop.
  • Proud of his lawn mower.
  • Psycho pneumatic. (Crazy air head.)
  • Put a lens in each ear and you’ve got a telescope.
  • Put on Earth to be an oxygen converter.
  • Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn’t annoying.
  • Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be likeputting a pea on a six lane highway.
  • Qualifies for the mental express line — five thoughts orless. — MacNelly
  • Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her oneline of wisdom in the middle.
  • Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he’d come in third.
  • Radio’s playing but nobody’s listening.
  • Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
  • Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
  • Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn’t know Greek.
  • Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
  • Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
  • Receiver is off the hook.
  • Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
  • Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
  • Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it’s an old copy.
  • Requires retraining after every coffee break.
  • Reset line is glitching.
  • Result of a first cousin marriage.
  • Result of God’s experiments to see if humans can functionwithout a brain.
  • Room for rent, unfurnished.
  • Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile.
  • RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
  • Running at 300 baud.
  • Running lights are on but no one’s at the helm.
  • Running on a 286.
  • Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
  • Running U.S. appliances on British current.
  • Runs squares around the competition.
  • Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
  • S p a c e d o u t .
  • Sailboat fuel for brains.
  • Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag.(Contains all of a sailor’s possessions including underwear.)
  • Sat under the ozone hole too long.
  • Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
  • Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  • Serving donuts on another planet.
  • Settled some during shipping and handling.
  • Seven cans short of a six-pack.
  • Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
  • Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
  • Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
  • She believes the three great lies.
  • She can piss standing up, but not much else.
  • She doesn’t suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
  • She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. — Thaves
  • She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She looks virtually real today.
  • She only packed half a sandwich.
  • She only schedules zombie processes.
  • She put the ding in dingbat.
  • She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. — Dorothy Parker
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them.
  • She sounds reasonable… Must be time to up my medication.
  • She stopped to think and forgot to start again.
  • She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
  • She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
  • She’ll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
  • She’s a screensaver. (Looks good, but useless.)
  • She’s all thumbs.
  • She’s as daft as a brush. (British)
  • She’s running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line.
  • Shedding a little too much black light.
  • Short a few cards.
  • Short-circuited between the earphones.
  • Should be the poster child for family planning.
  • Should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
  • Shouldn’t be allowed to breed.
  • Shouldn’t eat nuts — for her, it’s practically cannibalism.
  • Single-sided, low density.
  • Sings along with elevator music.
  • Sinking with a deck full of people; her brain cells can’tfind the lifeboats.
  • Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
  • Six-packed seven times. (Volleyball slang: “Six-pack” is tospike someone in the head with a volleyball.)
  • Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  • Skylight leaks a little.
  • Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
  • Slinky’s kinked.
  • Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
  • Slow as molasses in January.
  • Slow out of the gate.
  • Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Smarter than the average bear.
  • Smoke doesn’t make it to the top of his chimney.
  • So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
  • So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
  • So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
  • So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
  • So dumb, he faxes face up.
  • So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes.
  • So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
  • So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
  • So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
  • So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
  • So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
  • So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
  • So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
  • So stupid, she doesn’t go further than Thursday.
  • So thick, he sticks to pasta.
  • So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
  • Sold his car for gas money.
  • Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
  • Some Assembly Required.
  • Some bugs in his software.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  • Some of her inodes have nodded off.
  • Some pages missing.
  • Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
  • Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
  • Someday when she’s younger, she’ll ________.
  • Someone blew out his pilot light.
  • Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
  • Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem.
  • Someone let the air out of her lock.
  • Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit.
  • Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
  • Source code is missing a few lines.
  • Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
  • Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
  • Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, “concentrate”.
  • Still boots to DOS.
  • Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
  • Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder.
  • Still traumatized from the forest fire in “Bambi”.
  • Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
  • Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
  • Strolling through life with one shoelace untied.
  • Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2.(A WWII era Russian tank.)
  • Stuck on the down escalator of life.
  • Studied for a blood test — and failed.
  • Stumped by anything child-proof.
  • Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
  • Subtle as a wet tongue in the ear / kiss from a cow.
  • Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
  • Suffers from excessive headspace.
  • Suffers from link rot. (The process by which hypertext linksbecome obsolete as their sites change or die.)
  • Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis.
  • Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
  • Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • Surfing the Web with a hard-copy terminal. (Does anyoneremember those?)
  • Suspend switch is jumpered.
  • Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.)
  • Switch is on, but no one’s receiving.
  • Takes her 1.5 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
  • Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
  • Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being draggedaround the block by it.
  • Talking with her is a career-limiting move.
  • Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth.
  • Talks to plants on their own level.
  • Tall as a post and just as smart.
  • Team player… No chance he’ll develop a personality on his own.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • Teflon brain — nothing sticks. — Lilly Tomlin
  • Ten to the dozen.
  • The aliens forget to remove his anal probe.
  • The bark on her family tree actually involves canines.
  • The best part of him ran down his mother’s legs. — Jackie Gleason
  • The butter slipped off his noodle.
  • The cheese slid off his cracker.
  • The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
  • The fan is working but the freon’s leaked out.
  • The fire is going well, but the flue is closed.
  • The going got weird, and he turned pro.
  • The heater’s plugged in but the rheostat’s shot.
  • The march of his intellect is like that of a crab, backward.– Peacock
  • The most rock-hard argument can crash through his airy head andcause only the slightest disturbance in the air currentsthat surround the void that comprises his knowledge.
  • The only place she’s ever invited is outside.
  • The perfect personality to write software manuals.
  • The recesses of his mind are always in recess.
  • The result of years of careful inbreeding.
  • The sharpest thing he’s allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
  • The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
  • The spit valve’s fallen off his trumpet again.
  • The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
  • The two put together have an IQ over 150.
  • The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead.
  • The world’s foremost collector of ignorance.
  • Their family tree is a tumbleweed.
  • There are great people in the world, but she’s not one of them.
  • There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best.
  • There’s no ice cubes in THAT tray. — Second City comedy troupe
  • There’s nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be cured witha little Prozac and a polo mallet. — Woody Allen
  • They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
  • They must have done a clean boot on him.
  • They never shut up on his planet.
  • Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
  • Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
  • Thinks “Private Enterprise” means owning a personal starship.
  • Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
  • Thinks at 5 baud.
  • Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
  • Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
  • Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
  • Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
  • thinks in lower case & types accordingly
  • Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
  • Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
  • Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
  • Thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.
  • Thirteen short of a dozen.
  • Three sigma off the norm.
  • Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
  • Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.(I resemble that remark. — editor)
  • Tight / waterproof as a fish’s sphincter.
  • Tight as a bull’s arse in fly season.
  • To make him laugh on Saturday, tell him a joke on Wednesday.
  • Tone arm is down but no music is playing.
  • Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
  • Too dumb to know when you’re getting smart / playing dumb with him.
  • Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.
  • Too many birds on her antenna.
  • Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
  • Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
  • Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  • Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
  • Top paddock is full of rocks.
  • Toys in the attic.
  • Train of thought derailed / still boarding at thestation / has no caboose.
  • Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  • Traveling without a passport/towel.
  • Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
  • Tries to forward this list to some friends, but instead shipssix copies of it to the editor (groan).
  • Trips over cordless phones.
  • Truck can’t haul a full load.
  • Truly believes “neural network” is a new Ted Turner enterprise.
  • Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
  • Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
  • Two bits short of a word/dollar.
  • Two degrees off square.
  • Two inches taller than spherical.
  • Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn’t plugged in.
  • Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
  • Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
  • Unclear which of Newton’s three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
  • Understands English as well as any parrot.
  • Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Useful as dinosaur repellent.
  • Useful as passing gas in a spacesuit.
  • Useful as piss on a forest fire.
  • Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
  • Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
  • Uses AOL.
  • Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
  • Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
  • Uses thumbtacks to post notes — on his refrigerator.
  • Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
  • Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
  • Vacancy on the top floor.
  • Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not pickingup anything.)
  • Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.
  • Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
  • Vertically-fornicated mind.
  • Views mold as a higher life form.
  • Vowel-buyer. (As on the TV show Wheel of Fortune, when thesolution is already obvious.)
  • Waiting on a toaster that’s not plugged in.
  • Warning: Objects in her mirror are dumber than they appear.
  • Warranty expired.
  • Was assimilated by the Borg.
  • Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
  • Was born when the planets were misaligned.
  • Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  • Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
  • Wasn’t abused as a child, but should have been.
  • Wasn’t fully debugged before being released.
  • Wasn’t strapped in during launch.
  • Watches “Beavis and Butthead” to learn vocabulary.
  • Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
  • We’re all missing cards from our decks — and different cards, too.
  • We’re all refreshed and challenged by her unique point of view.
  • Went in for repairs but wasn’t tightened with a torque wrench.
  • Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
  • Whatever kind of look she was going for, she missed.
  • When a thought crosses her mind, it’s a long and lonely journey.
  • When God said, “Come forth for brains,” he came fifth.
  • When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a verysmall container. — Bob Thaves
  • When he was compiled they forgot to #include<smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.
  • When her window of opportunity opened, she had the shade drawn.
  • When opportunity knocked, she refused to open the door.
  • When she dances, she makes the band skip.
  • When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
  • When she puts on her lipstick, it keeps backing down the tube.– Kevin Wilson
  • When she was born the doctor tried to kill her / slapped her mother.
  • When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick / wasat the end of the line.
  • When they said “drain”, he thought they said “brain”.
  • Where it says, “Sign here”, she writes, “Pisces”.
  • While he was not dumber than an ox, he wasn’t any smarter. — Thurber
  • Whole lotta choppin’, but no chips a flyin’.
  • Will never get a ticket for speeding.
  • Wise as the world is flat.
  • With one more neuron he’d have a synapse.
  • Won’t eat eggs because he believes the “This is your brain” ads.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and corneredlike a rat in a trap.
  • Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
  • Would need help to drool.
  • Would starve to death in a grocery store.
  • Wouldn’t know a tram was up him if the conductor rang hisbell. (Australian)
  • Wouldn’t know ore if it jumped out of the stope and bithim on the ass. (Said of mineral prospectors.)
  • Wouldn’t make any sense if she ever made sense.
  • Wouldn’t recognize a clue if he saw one / you showed himone (labelled “clue”).
  • Wouldn’t shout if a shark bit him. (Australianism meaning hewon’t buy a round of drinks (shout) in turn.)
  • You can hardly tell that he’s a simulation.
  • Zero K memory.

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