Fulldekisms Part 2

  • He writes blank checks on a closed account.
  • He’d screw up a two-car funeral procession.
  • He’ll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner.
  • He’s a General Protection Fault trigger.
  • He’s a man on a mission, but can’t find his dossier.
  • He’s as soppy as a sack. (British)
  • He’s been invited to every party in town… Once.
  • He’s completely West Ham. (Two stops short of Barking on theLondon Underground.)
  • He’s diagnosable.
  • He’s in a federal witless protection program.
  • He’s not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
  • He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  • He’s really into himself… His head is up his ass.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • He’s so dense, the Titanic wouldn’t sink in his head.
  • Hears everything that a dog can.
  • Hears more lyrics on records when they’re played backwards.
  • Her access time approaches infinity.
  • Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
  • Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
  • Her blender doesn’t go past “mix”.
  • Her body is rejecting her.
  • Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as <your favoritepolitician’s> concern for his/her electorate.
  • Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assederror correction.
  • Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to runfsck on her brain.
  • Her brain is as useless as a mule’s gonads.
  • Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
  • Her cache is incoherent.
  • Her career is just taking off — she’s never at work.
  • Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing.
  • Her dentist went deaf from the drill’s echoes.
  • Her dialing thumb must be broken.
  • Her display is always flashing 12:00.
  • Her driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
  • Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
  • Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.
  • Her files are compressed 100%.
  • Her finals are burned out.
  • Her friends took her aside, and left her there. — Ron Richards
  • Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter.
  • Her head doesn’t cast a shadow.
  • Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
  • Her input pipe is broken.
  • Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
  • Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers.
  • Her kid is an honor student, but she’s still an idiot.
  • Her leads need resoldering.
  • Her learning curve is fractal.
  • Her lint trap is full.
  • Her lists are unlinked.
  • Her memory is truly random-access.
  • Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
  • Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
  • Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
  • Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
  • Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
  • Her modem lights are on but there’s no carrier.
  • Her objects are not fully oriented.
  • Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy.
  • Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.
  • Her phone doesn’t quite reach her desk.
  • Her pool balls don’t fit into the rack.
  • Her positronic matrix won’t reboot.
  • Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
  • Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
  • Her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.
  • Her ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.
  • Her stack has been corrupted.
  • Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
  • Her system file has zero bytes.
  • Her tires are a little low.
  • Her wheels are turning but she’s upside down. — U2
  • Her wipers don’t touch the glass.
  • Her word length is zero bits.
  • Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
  • High relative humidity… He’s lost in a fog.
  • His access light’s on, but the drive isn’t spinning / isstill spinning up.
  • His accumulator overflows at zero.
  • His actual mileage varies.
  • His antenna/radio doesn’t pick up all the channels/stations.
  • His boot block is in a bad sector.
  • His boot ROM has a bad checksum.
  • His brackets are mismatched.
  • His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
  • His brain is sueing for neglect.
  • His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
  • His brain would rattle around in a gnat’s navel.
  • His bread ain’t done.
  • His buffer is full.
  • His clutch is slipping.
  • His data bus stops for red lights.
  • His deck has no face cards.
  • His elevator is stuck between floors.
  • His face is on a coin… On the edge.
  • His family tree is a telephone pole.
  • His family wasn’t dysfunctional until he arrived.
  • His freelist is empty.
  • His future is behind schedule. — Bob Thaves
  • His gene line isn’t just dead, it’s extinct.
  • His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. — Robin Williams
  • His grades were so bad, after school he couldn’t even getinto prison. — Shannon Sharpe
  • His grey matter is brown / doesn’t matter.
  • His head whistles in a cross wind.
  • His home page is out of order.
  • His home planet is flat.
  • His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive.
  • His jack can’t get the car off the ground.
  • His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot).
  • His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
  • His mind is great at error magnification.
  • His mind is less substantial than the Emperor’s new clothes.
  • His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. — Allision
  • His mind is write-protected/write-only.
  • His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
  • His mind wandered and never came back.
  • His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
  • His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
  • His only hope for sexual variety is vegetables / to change hands.
  • His outgoing message starts with, “Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.”
  • His page was intentionally left blank.
  • His picture is in the dictionary under “zero”.
  • His pointers are null/uninitialized.
  • His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  • His reaction time is longer than his attention span. — Thaves
  • His root file system isn’t mounted.
  • His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
  • His shared libraries aren’t installed.
  • His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
  • His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it’s the bestpart of his postings.
  • His spark can’t jump the gap.
  • His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
  • His stack’s not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
  • His strings aren’t null-terminated.
  • His strip is demagnetized.
  • His system administrator is never in.
  • His train tracks aren’t quite parallel.
  • His URL denies outside access.
  • His watch dog is sleeping.
  • His Wheaties have been in the milk too long.
  • His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
  • His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside.
  • His X, Y, and Z axes don’t meet at the origin.
  • Hitler’s evil twin.
  • Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed andmounted. — David Weber
  • Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
  • Hypnotized as a child and couldn’t be woken.
  • I like him; he reminds me of when I was young and stupid.
  • I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  • I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
  • I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what hethinks he’s worth.
  • I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs than his.
  • If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.
  • If brains were chocolate, he wouldn’t have enough for an M&M.
  • If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow hernose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
  • If brains were farts, he couldn’t stink up the inside of a matchbox.
  • If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop.
  • If brains were grains of sand, he couldn’t fill a dixie cup.
  • If brains were lard, he’d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  • If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If brains were water, hers wouldn’t be enough to baptize a flea.
  • If dumb were dirt, he’d be an acre.
  • If fashion law is ever enforced, he’ll be found guilty withouthope of parole.
  • If God tried to help him, we’d have an eight day week.
  • If he didn’t exist, he wouldn’t be worth inventing.
  • If he donated his brain to science it’d set civilization back 50 years.
  • If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universewill come true.
  • If he had a lobotomy he’d depressurize.
  • If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely.
  • If he had brains, he’d take them out and play with them.
  • If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
  • If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
  • If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would havedied of old age.
  • If he were any brighter he’d be in the visible spectrum.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
  • If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
  • If his brains were money, he’d still be in debt.
  • If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
  • If ignorance were bliss, she’d be orgasmic.
  • If it’s not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn’t take it seriously.
  • If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank. — P.G. Wodehouse
  • If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
  • If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn’t blow the cobwebsoff his balls.
  • If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
  • If she was any dumber, she’d be a green plant.
  • If stupidity hurt, he’d go through life on a morphine drip.
  • If stupidity were a crime, he’d be number one on the Most Wanted list.
  • If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he’d get nuked.
  • If there were a merciful God he’d be dead by now.
  • If they each had half a brain, they’d still only have half a brain.
  • If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
  • If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
  • If wit were shit, he’d be constipated.
  • If you called him a wit, you’d be half right.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • Ignorant, and proud of it.
  • Immune from any serious head injury.
  • Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
  • In a tub of Preparation H, he’d shrink down to thumb size.
  • In his optimum environment, he’d be locked in a life and deathstruggle with mushrooms.
  • In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, “No, thanks”.
  • In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for onewith lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one.
  • In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes,and he asked for “extra thick.”
  • In need of a ROM upgrade.
  • In serious need of attitude adjustment.
  • In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little fartherapart than most.
  • In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
  • In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
  • Includes a “thank you” note with her tax returns.
  • Infinite space between her ears.
  • Informationally deprived.
  • Inhabits her own private timezone.
  • Inspected by #13.
  • Inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
  • Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
  • Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.
  • Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
  • Invented a submarine with a screen door.
  • IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
  • IQ lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon-rut.
  • It’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
  • Just another flash in the bedpan.
  • Just asleep, but others worry that he’s dead.
  • Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
  • Kept an open mind — and his brains fell out.
  • Keywords: generalizations clue get
  • Knitting with only one needle.
  • Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
  • Landed with his gear/brain up and locked.
  • Leaky sunroof.
  • Left hand threaded.
  • Left his booster on the launch pad.
  • Left the store without all of his groceries.
  • Leveled off before reaching altitude.
  • Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
  • Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
  • Lights / porch lights are on but nobody’s home.
  • Lights not burning too bright.
  • Like a barometer — vacuum at the top.
  • Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
  • Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
  • Likes dunking for french fries.
  • Likes to execute his data.
  • Little red choo-choo’s gone chugging ’round the bend /jumped the track.
  • Lives in La-la-land.
  • Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
  • Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.
  • Living proof of Einstein’s theory that there is no limit tohuman stupidity.
  • Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Living proof that God did die back in the 60s.
  • Living proof that God has a sense of humor.
  • Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  • Living proof that there’s ALWAYS someone worse off than you.
  • Long on drywall, short on studs.
  • Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
  • Looks for the “Any” key.
  • Looks just like Bill Gates.
  • Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
  • Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
  • Lost his marbles.
  • Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates.
  • Loves a good insult, but can never remember any.
  • Low on thinking gas.
  • Low-bandwidth as an information source.
  • Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing… Thinkof it as evolution in action. — Larry Niven
  • Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  • Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
  • Mainspring’s wound too tight.
  • Makes a black hole look bright.
  • Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
  • Meandering to a different drummer.
  • Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
  • Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
  • Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
  • Metronome needs oil.
  • Might look like he’s doing nothing, but at the cellular levelhe’s really quite busy.
  • Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
  • Mind like a steel sieve.
  • Mind like a steel trap — everything gets mangled / full of mice /nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut / someday it willsnap shut and swallow his face.
  • Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.
  • Missed the last train to Clue Junction. — Rev Billy Wirtz
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
  • Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  • Monorail doesn’t go all the way to Tomorrowland.
  • Mooring lines don’t reach the dock.
  • More armpits than brain cells.
  • More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
  • Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
  • Moves his lips to pretend he’s reading.
  • Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
  • Nearly lives up to her full potential as a dumb blond.
  • Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
  • Needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
  • Needs a checkup from the neck up.
  • Needs a little remedial evolution.
  • Needs a stepladder to pick his nose.
  • Needs an operating manual for a screwdriver.
  • Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  • Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
  • Needs front end alignment.
  • Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
  • Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so theycan be tied in the back.
  • Neither left-brained nor right-brained. — Bob Thaves
  • Nervous as a long-tailed bobcat in a room full of rocking chairs.
  • Network constantly loses packets.
  • Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
  • Never finishes a thoug
  • Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can’t existin a vacuum.
  • Never misses an episode of her screensaver.
  • Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. — Van Jacobson
  • Nice color but not enough wattage.
  • Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
  • Nine pence in the shilling.
  • Nine rooms; no furniture.
  • Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  • No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
  • No charge in her synapses.
  • No coins in the old fountain.
  • No filter in the coffeemaker.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • No hands on the rudder/yoke.
  • No hay in the loft.
  • No one at the throttle.
  • No ROM basic.
  • No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)
  • No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; thisphrase means one has been smoking his rope.)
  • No wind in her mind’s windmills.
  • Not all his dogs are barking.
  • Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
  • Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
  • Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  • Not done evolving yet.
  • Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
  • Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
  • Not enough bullets for Russian Roulette.
  • Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
  • Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  • Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60’s flower child.)
  • Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
  • Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
  • Not hard-docked.
  • Not inflated to 90 PSI / head is stamped “inflate to 40 PSI”.
  • Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
  • Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
  • Not only rude, but ugly too.
  • Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (– not even in the game).
  • Not ready for prime time.
  • Not running on full thrusters.
  • Not shooting pool on a level table.
  • Not so much of a has-been, as a won’t-be.
  • Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor /crayon in the box.
  • Not the full quid.
  • Not the hottest burner on the stovetop.
  • Not the same since they took him off his medication.
  • Not the sharpest knife/spoon in the drawer / tool in the shed /nail in the box / quill on the porcupine.
  • Not Turing equivalent.
  • Not within a bull’s roar. (A term used by lawn bowlers.)
  • Not worth henshit on a pump handle.
  • Not worth pissin’ on.
  • Not wrapped too tight.
  • Nothing between the stethoscopes.
  • Nothing on her radar.
  • Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
  • Number ‘n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
  • Nutty as a fruitcake.
  • Of all the things he’s lost, he misses his mind the most.
  • Off by one.
  • Off his rocker/trolley.
  • Oil doesn’t reach his dipstick.
  • On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
  • On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  • One anna short of a rupee.
  • One bead short in her rosary.
  • One bean short of chili.
  • One bean shy of full strength.
  • One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
  • One bird short of a flock.
  • One bit short of a byte/word.
  • One blade short of a sharp edge. — Nanci Griffith
  • One block short of a filesystem.
  • One board short of a porch.
  • One bomb/melon short of a full load.
  • One boot stuck in the sand.
  • One bottom short of a bucket.
  • One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
  • One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
  • One bun/donut short of a dozen.
  • One byte short of a checksum.
  • One byte short of a full 256K SIMM.
  • One car short of a chase scene.
  • One card/marble short of a full deck.
  • One chapter short of a novel.
  • One chicken short of a henhouse.
  • One chip short of a cookie.
  • One chip short of a megabyte.
  • One citation short of a footnote.
  • One clearance short of landing/take off.
  • One clown short of a circus.
  • One clue short of a solution.
  • One cold solder joint.
  • One color short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
  • One color short of color-coordinated.
  • One couplet short of a sonnet.
  • One course short of a degree. (As in: “I’ve got a degree inhome economics, but I was only one course short of adegree in advanced nuclear physics.”)
  • One crayon short of a full box.
  • One crouton short of a salad.
  • One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
  • One cylinder short of a full re-format.
  • One diamond short of a ring.
  • One dimension short of reality.
  • One doughnut short of being a cop.
  • One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
  • One drop short of an empty bladder.
  • One ear short of a bushel.
  • One electron shy of a full shell / noble gas arrangement.
  • One feather short of a whole duck.
  • One fish short of a string.
  • One floor below the poopdeck.
  • One flower short of an arrangement.
  • One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
  • One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
  • One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
  • One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
  • One fruit short of a basket.
  • One gene short of a full chromosome.
  • One goose short of a gaggle.
  • One grape short of a bunch.
  • One guppy short of an aquarium.
  • One handle short of a suitcase.
  • One harmonic short of a tubular bell.
  • One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
  • One inch short of a foot/yard.
  • One inspection short of passing.
  • One kangaroo short in her top paddock.
  • One kernel short of an ear.
  • One key short of a piano.
  • One kopek short of a ruble.
  • One link short of a chain.
  • One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
  • One measure short of a staff.
  • One miracle short of being where he thinks he’s at.
  • One miracle wouldn’t be enough to help him.
  • One monkey short of a full hundred.
  • One node short of a network.
  • One nut short of a full pouch.
  • One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
  • One open splice.
  • One pancake short of a stack.
  • One pane short of a window.
  • One pea short of a pod/casserole.
  • One peak short of a chromatogram.
  • One pearl short of a necklace.
  • One pickle short of a jar.
  • One pie short of a holiday.
  • One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
  • One point short of a polygon.
  • One prayer short of absolution.
  • One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
  • One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
  • One quark short of a hadron.
  • One republic short of an empire.
  • One revision behind.
  • One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.
  • One saucer short of a tea-service.
  • One scallop short of a seafood platter.
  • One screw loose.
  • One screw shy of a final assembly.
  • One sentence short of a paragraph.
  • One shade short of a rainbow.
  • One sheep short of a sweater.
  • One shingle short of a roof, and the water’s getting in.
  • One ship short of a full fleet.

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