Historical people answer the question – Why did the chicken cross the road?

Douglas Adams:
Forty-Two

Earnest Angsley:
To be HAYELED! in the name o’Jayeeezus!

Marcus Antonius:
The evil that chickens do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.

Any Philosophy 101 Professor:
Why not?

Any Calculus Professor:
The road, if expressed in the form (y2-y1)/(x2-x1)
is approximate for cases where lim(y2-y1)/(x2-x1) as (x2-x1) -> 0, is
represented by the derivative, or rate of change, of the road with
respect to the chicken, such that the value of the chicken may be
assumed equal to the value of (y2-y1)/(x2-x1), for small values of
roads.

Jane Austen:
Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a
single chicken, being posessed of a good fortune and
presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Neil Armstrong:
One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.

Arthur, King of the Britons:
What do you mean? African or European chickens?

Paul Atreidies:
What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon
your road? That shall be the name that you shall call me!

Lord Baden-Powell:
Because as a Chicken Scout, it needed the Road-Crossing Merit Badge.

Bilbo Baggins:
Oh what I wouldn’t give to back in my nice, warm Hobbit-hole!
I hope I never have to lay eyes on such a thing as that
chicken again!

Baldrick:
It had a cunning plan.

The Band:
To take a load off….

The Bandit, in The Treasure of The Sierra Madre:
“Chickens? Chickens? We don’t need no stinkin’ chickens!”

Clive Barker:
He was drawn to the road, and he didn’t so much cross the
road as the road crossed him. And once across, the chicken entered into
a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized
souls. The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the
chicken, smothering him, suffocating him. He could not escape, as no
one who crosses the road can escape. He was now a prisoner of the
Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.

Roseanne Barr:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

The Beatles:
To be free as a bird!

Lavrenti Beria (ex-head of the KGB):
This is a State Secret — we have informants everywhere.

Bill The Cat
Ack. Thpppbt

Blackadder:
Queenie: Because I told it to.
Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green
Lord Flasheart: To DOOOOOOOOO IT!

Lucien Bouchard:
So that it could be SEPARATE!

Ben Bova:
To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time

Brisco (Law and Order):
For A Bagel

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce:
To grab a Fosters and get away from the poofters!

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Archie Bunker:
I don’t care what them there chickens do, as long as they stay on THEIR side of the street!

Bugs Bunny:
What’s up, cluck?

Robert Burns:
Fair Fa Your Honest Sonsie Face
Great Chieftain O’ The Chicken Race
The blackened road ‘ahind ye said
Ye best run quick ere ye be deid!

George Bush:
If it did it was out of the loop

George Bush: (again)
It could see the thousand points of headlights….

Rhett Butler:
Frankly my dear, it didn’t give a damn!

C3PO (1):
Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of
communication and this chicken has not… shutting up, sir.

C3PO (2):
Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken
successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.

Caesar:
It came, it saw, it crossed.

Joseph Campbell:
In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples of the
chicken motif that cannot be dismissed as mere coincidence.
For instance, I am reminded of an old Navajo legend in which
a buffalo crosses a stream to “come” to the other side —
an obvious negative language devised to prepare
tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the
Hindus believe in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over
a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical interpretation,
we are led to realize that all examples suggest
an attainable higher state of consciousness like that
of Nietzsche’s ubermench, or superman, as outlined
in his novel “Thus Spoke Zarathustra.”

Albert Camus:
Seeing that an indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the
chicken knew it would be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the
chicken knew what it was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been
asleep its entirely up until this choice was put before him. So, with a
newfound determination and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the
road only to be put out of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.

Candide:
To cultivate its garden.

Johnny Carson:
Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm…
Ed McMahon:
How cold was it?
Johnny Carson:
It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging the sheep
to get wool for sweaters!

Raymond Chandler:
Across these mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself
mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he
is everything. He must be a complete chicken and a common
chicken and yet an unusual chicken. He must be, to use a rather
weathered phrase, a chicken of honor – by instinct, by
inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without
saying it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good
enough chicken for any world.

Charlie X:
Because it didn’t want to
STAY….STAY….STAY….STAY….STAY…

Cheech (or Chong):
Just to be there, man.

The Chicken:
I am crossing the road to block traffic as a protest against …” (thump).

Commander Chikotay:
I’m not sure but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.

Noam Chomsky:
To manufacture consent

Tom Clancy:
The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the chicken
carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet
excimer laser system, had insufficient range to
allow the chicken to carry out its mission from
this side of the road.

John Cleese From Fawlty Towers:
Manuel from Barcelona: “Que?”
Basil: “You know, a chicken crossing the road….”
Manuel: “Que?”
Basil: [looking it up in a dictionary], “Un Pollo…”
Manuel: interrupting, “No, No we out of chicken..”
* WHAP!!*

John Cleese:
Because it was very silly.

John Cleese: (again)
This isn’t a chicken license, you know! It’s a dog license
with the word “Dog” crossed out and “Chicken” written in
in crayon.

John Cleese: (#3)
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of
life, it rests in peace. It’s a stiff. If it wasn’t nailed to
the road it’d be pushing up daisies. It’s snuffed it.
It’s metabolic processes are now history. It’s bleeding demised.
It’s rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and
joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.

Bill Clinton:
What?

Bill Clinton (again):
The chicken was persuaded to cross the road by the
Democratic congress. It is now returning to the
middle of the road

Joseph Conrad:
Mistah Chicken, he dead.

John Constantine:
Because it’d made a bollocks of things over on this side
of the road and figured it’d better get out right quick.

Alastair Cooke:
Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.
Tonight, we present the epic British drama “How The
Chicken Went,” based on the 1843 novel by Herbert T.
Poultry, and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick.
Starring Susan Hampshire as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins
as the evil and unrepentant diner, Borstrom, this elegant
period piece explores the mores and morality of a society
in which ordinary chickens had to face their destiny of
crossing the road to meet their fate at the hands of the
monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions
or desires…

Shiela Copps (Deputy Prime Minister of Canada):
BECAUSE I SCREAMED AT IT REAL LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheila Copps:
Okay, I know that the chicken promised it would cross the
road if the Liberals failed to eliminate the GST, but it was a stupid
promise to make and the chicken deeply regrets ever making it. However,
the chicken will not be crossing the road because to do so would cost
tax payers $500,000.

Sheila Copps (a few days later):
Alright! Alright! The chicken will cross
the road like it promised. But it’ll be right back again. Now leave me
alone.

Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecendented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo
sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jacques Ives Cousteau:
Zee cheecken, unaware of zee dangare beehind heem, crosses
zee street. Weezout warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee
balance of zee nature ees maintained.

Stephen R. Covey:
When the chicken and the road can work together for
the win-win, the result is synergy!

Jean Cretien, Prime Minister of Canada:
“It wasn’t a chicken, you know, it was an Inuit carving of
a loon. But the RCMP should have been there anyway…”

Aleister Crowley:
Because it was its True Will to do so.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

Stephanie Daniels:
It was the turtle’s day off.

Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Commander Data:
I do not know. Although I have compared all of my 437 billion
data points relating to chickens and roads, there is no
possitive correlation between the two.

W. Edwards Demming:
But is one chicken crossing one road of statistical importance?
Only once we have established an historical baseline of chickens
with respect to roads, with calculated upper and lower control
limits, can we make that determination.

Arthur Dent:
Are you sure the chicken is from Beetelgeuse, and not from Gilford after all?

Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Rene Descartes:
It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Descartes (again):
The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the
deterministic nature of the universe.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Bob Dole:
Do you know that before that chicken had gotten across the road, its
cellular phone was ringing and there was a lawyer on the other
end asking if it would like to sue the city for not putting
up a traffic light.

Bob Dylan:
How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?

E.T.:
Chicken, phone home

Ecclesiastes (1):
For every fowl, there is a season. A time for garlic, a time for sage…

Ecclesiastes (2):
This bird is meaningless.

Wyatt Earp:
Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?

Eeyore:
If it did. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

T.S. Eliot:
It’s not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

Harlan Ellison:
Because he had no beak and must scream.

Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor on U.S.S. Voyager:
Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Epicurus:
For fun.

Basil Fawlty:
Oh, don’t mind that chicken. It’s from Barcelona.

Sybil Fawlty:
BASIL! Why is there a CHICKEN in my hotel?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
To escape from the Phone Cops!

Fiver (from Watership Down):
Don’t you see it? The sky has turned to blood, the field has turned to fire… THE CHICKENS! DON’T YOU SEE THE CHICKENS?

Gerald R. Ford:
It probably fell from an airplane and couldn’t stop its forward momentum.

Sigmund Freud:
The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted
the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a
phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost:
To cross the road less traveled by.

Barney Fyfe:
Now Andy, let me tell you a thing or two about chickens.
Chickens cross roads in those other counties, but not here in Mayberry.
No chicken crosses no roads in Mayberry without Deputy Fyfe knowing
about it!

Gandalf:
O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are
tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

Bill Gates:
For the money

Frank Bunker Gilbereth:
To minimize its therbligs

Jim Gillis:
The chicken crossed the road
to show the gophers it could be done.

Newt Gingrich:
To get to the RIGHT side of the road.

Newt Gingrich (again):
The chicken had to cross the road, because, bogged
down by the incredible debt burden, it was no
longer able to fly.

Newt Gingrich (III):
It was safety pinned to one of those damn punk rockers!

Ira Glasser (ACLU):
The chicken maintains an absolute privacy interest
in information as to whether or why he or she may
have perambulated the thoroughfare.

Johann Wolfgang v. Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Sir Charles Grandiose:
As surely as the golden hairs turn to silver, as surely
as the sands drift silently through the slender neck of the
hourglass, the last sunny days of summer flee soundlessly under
autumn’s chilly embrace. And with those last days of that
warmest and most joyful of seasons, left the road’s edge the
sprightliest young chicken ever a Baronet did see

Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne,
(All-around Public-School Cad):
That’s not a chicken! It’s a clever disguise, inside of which
is Count Jim “Thighs” Moriarity…..

Gary Gygax:
Because I rolled a 64 on the “Chicken Random Behaviors” chart
on page 497 of the Dungeon Master’s Guide.

Hamlet:
Because ’tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows
of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea
of oncoming vehicles.

Thomas Hardy:
The road was black, the sky was white (and so were the feathers) as the
bright red mark on the top of the chicken’s head gleamed in the
twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was doomed.

Mike Harris, (Premier of Ontario):
Like evrything else in this province, it was facing the axe.

Paul Harvey:
And now… page two… a chicken… attempts to cross…
the street… yes… the street… and is… run down by a… Buick!
The Buick Roadmaster with it’s powerful perfomance and elegant style!
Yes… that poor chicken… hit by the Buick… it’s true… it’s…
true… and speaking of true… your local True Value Hardware Store…

Hegel:
Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road
could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.

Robert Heinlein:
Because with the freedom the chicken was given,
it was the chicken’s responsibility to do so.

Robert Heinlein (again):
The more widely dispersed chickens are throughout
the Universe, the better the long-term prospects for
the survival of the chicken species.

Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Doug Hofstadter:
To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and
essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the
internal road-concept.

Sherlock Holmes:
It crossed the road because it was going to catch a train at
Victoria Station at 3:15, to Edinburgh. And how did I know that?
Observe, Watson, the patina of dust on the chicken’s feathers, which
indicates that it had been spending time in a library, reading about
Scotland. And observe also that it was humming “Bonnie Lassie” as it
waited to cross. Finally, and most important, observe the train ticket
marked Edinburgh, stuffed under one wing, and the fact that
Victoria station was where the chicken crossed the street, and finally
that the only train to Edinburgh this afternoon is the 3:15….

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Lee Iacocca:
It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Dr. Jack Van Impe:
Well you see, here’s the really exciting part, if we
were to look at Revelation 17:3 we will see that the Whore of Babylon
rides on a scarlet beast. A scarlet beast! What this means is a Rhode
Island Red. And the truly glorious thing is that this beast, this Rhode
Island Red, this CHICKEN has crossed the road EXACTLY as was prophesized
in the Bible and this is all a sign, Revelation 17:3, that we’re living
in the End Time. Hallelujah! And if you would like more information on
the significance of this chicken crossing the road as all part of God’s
great plan then send me $50 and you will recieve this set of video tapes
along with a copy of my recent book “Chickens: fowl beast, or foul
beast?”.

John Paul Jones:
It has not yet begun to cross!

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gesalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.

Franz Kafka:
Dieter, now in the form of a chicken, was running from the
government’s torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death,
slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone.
He was running for his life, his insignificant life.

Immanuel Kant:
The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a
priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of
the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a
hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by
Reason.

Casey Kasem:
And now here’s a hot new number from a hot young band
whose drummer was so tragically killed in a freeway accident, it’s The
Hen House Flock singing “When You Gonna Crow?” hitting the charts at
number 23!

JFK:
The chicken chose to cross the road in
this decade not because it was
easy, but because it was hard.

Obi Wan Kenobi:
To follow old obi wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Jack Kerouac:
The chicken hipster, high on tea and the soul groves of Charlie (the
bird) Parker, strolled aimlessly on the road looking for his dharma.

Soren Kierkegaard:
The chicken is dead. The road is nothing.

Colonel Kilgore:
“I love the smell of chickens in the morning”

Martin Luther King:
It had a dream.

James Tiberius Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ralph Klein:
Because we gave it a one-way bus ticket to B.C.

Mark Knophler:
How come Chickens got Industrial Disease?

Mark Lane:
There is new, irrefutable evidence that the chicken did not act alone.

Gary Larson:
Don’t ask me. I am retired.
Stan Laurel:
I’m sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Timothy Leary:
Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

John Le Carre:
Because it knew, at the core of its being where none
could ever reach, that its only course of action now that
its cover was blown wide open was to try and slip
away into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before Smiley
came, accompanied by his silent shadow Peter Guillam,
asking questions for which there could never be
answers.

Dr. Hannibal Lector:
So I could eat its liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti
…….thththththththth.

Leda:
Are you sure it wasn’t Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He’s into that
kind of thing, you know.

Foghorn Leghorn:
To get to that damn Dawg, Boah!

Gottfried Von Leibniz:
In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Vladimir Lenin:
It is not the chicken’s road. It is the PEOPLE’S road!

David Letterman:
And the No. 1 reason – fricasee!

Rush Limbaugh:
Beacuse of those damn bleeding heart liberals, trying to
save one stupid bird while thousands of jobs are being lost.
Dave Lister:
Because of the smegging space corps directives.

Any Late Evening News Anchor:
The chicken crosses the road. Film at 11:00.

Abraham Lincoln:
Fourscore and seven eggs ago, our forefeathers…

Logan (Law and Order):
To buy a plaid tie

Jack London:
To answer the call of the wild.

H.P. Lovecraft:
To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

George Lucas:
Because the Force was with it.

Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly
cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them
has the strength to contend with such a paragon of
avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s
dominion maintained.

Marvin (the paranoid android):
“Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the
chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don’t
think it’s worth while.”

Marvin the Paranoid Android:
Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and
what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their
pathetic cerebelums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don’t
talk to me about chickens… they’re SO depressing.

Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.

Karl Marx (again):
To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Groucho Marx:
Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost
divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Groucho Marx (again):
This morning I shot a chicken
in my pyjamas — and lemme tell ya, that chicken
ran out of my pyjamas in a second!

Jackie Mason:
Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Perry Mason:
Cross the road you say? But how can you be sure? No one
else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real
killer!

Dr. McCoy:
How should I know? Damnit Jim, I’m a Doctor not an ornithologist!

Marshall McLuhan:
The Road is the Medium.
The chicken is the Message!

Gregor Mendel:
To get various strains of roads.

A.A. Milne:
I imagine that if I thought very hard I shouold come up with a reason. (also applicable to Winnie the Pooh)

John Milton:
To justify the ways of God to men.

Indigo Montoya:
It too pursues a man with six fingers on his left hand.

Michael Moriarity:
To annoy Janet Reno.

Jim Morrison:
To break on thruough to the other side, I am the chicken king

Ralph Nader:
A chicken on a road is unsafe at any speed

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Jack Nicholson:
‘Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Col. Oliver North:
I do not recall any such events. I had no knowledge of these occurrences.

Peter Norton:
It was a virus and it saw me coming…

Richard Nixon:
That part of our conversation was accidentally erased.

George Orwell:
Because Big Brother was watching to make sure
that it did cross the road, although in its
heart, the chicken never did.

Thomas Paine:
Out of common sense.

Michael Palin:
Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Emporer Palpatine:
Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Dorothy Parker:
Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme /
The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they
pass its time.

Patsy:
Oh, F*&% the chicken. Run it over and lets have a drink.

Gen. George S. Patton:
To get those yellow bellied chickens outta here.

General George S. Patton (again):
The way to win a war is not to cross a road for you country.
The way to win a war is to make some OTHER poor chicken
cross a road for HIS COUNTRY!

Wolfgang Pauli:
There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Frank Perdue:
How the heck do I know? Do I look like a chicken to you — don’t answer that.

Marlin Perkins, on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom:
Watch, as the chicken mauls Jim yet again…

H. Ross Perot:
I’m crossing. I’m not crossing….

H. Ross Perot2:
Crossing the road is that chickens primary concern! PRIMARY concern!

H. Ross Perot3:
Chickens and roads, I’ll tell ya what it means! It means 4 trillion dollars of dafficit, it means the end of our infrastructure, it means… look at this chart!

H. Ross Perot4:
Let me tell ya, it’s all about NAFTA. This chicken represents your job, and this road represents the Mexican border…

Jean-Luc Picard:
To see what’s out there.

Jean-Luc Picard (again):
Because it’s shields were down and it had no other options left…

Piglet:
Because ch-ch-chickens are such very s-s-s-small animals.

Plato:
For the greater good.

Edgar Allan Poe:
Quoth the chicken,”Nevermore!”

Emily Post:
When a chicken is confronted with a road, it is only proper
for the chicken to stand erect, turn to face the road, look both ways
and cross… remembering to send a sincere thank you letter within one
month of the event.

Elvis Presley:
You aint nothin’ but a chicken, crossin’ all the roads!

Psalms:
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no road!

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What Road?

Monty Python:
For Something Completely Different

Dan Quayle:
“chicken” C-H-I-K-E-N “chicken”

The Red Queen:
Who cares? Off with it’s head!

R2D2:
beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

The White Rabbit:
It was late!

Ayn Rand:
The chicken crossed the road in order to get away from the
flock that is stifling his creativity.

Ayn Rand (again):
If not for the intransigently independent vision of
that first chicken, none of the other chickens would
have been able to cross the road. And they condemned
him for his acheivement!

Ronald Reagan:
I don’t recall. What was the question?

Georg Friedrich Riemann:
The answer appears in Dirichlet’s lectures.

Pat Riley:
The chicken crossed the lane in less than 3 seconds, so
a “fowl” should not have been called.

Rimmer:
Aliens!!!

General Jack D. Ripper:
To maintain the purity of its precious bodily fluids.

Geraldo Rivera:
Stay tuned as a panel of chickens reveals
the shocking truth.

Tom Robbins:
Well you see, that chicken was a special chicken who was a
descendent of a parrot family that once built pyramids for tourist
pharohs. This chicken liked the other side of the road whose shamanic
whispers beckoned Anastasia, the parrot, like the popped cherry of a
ritually consumated white wedding. That’s the meaning of it all, baby!

Oral Roberts:
He couldn’t raise the $10,000,000.00 so God called him home.

Oral Roberts (again):
And I said to the chicken:
“Put your claw on the screen! Put your claw on the screen, upon the hand
of Brother Oral, and you shall be healed. Make a love offering of $50 or
more, and then touch the screen. And that chicken did put his claw on
the screen. And the power of God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, flowed
through me and out through that television set, and that chicken was
healed *PRAISE GOD!*. And then that chicken, stricken for so many
months, rose up and walked across the road. But, since he had forgotten
his love offering, God never warned him about the 30 ton semi barreling
down on the crosswalk….”

Carl Sagan:
To see the billions and billions of stars.

Col. Saunders:
It Ran, Suh! I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices
and it ran, Suh! So I shot it, Suh, shot it while it was
trying to escape, suh!

Sappho:
For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips..

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
It was going back…

Mr. Scott:
‘Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain, wi’ no dilithium crystals
left to speak of!

Agent Scully:
There simply must be a rational, scientific explanation.
Chickens don’t just “cross roads”

Neddy Seagoon:
WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT?

William Shakespeare:

1: This is the road of chicken’s discontent,
Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck… (Richard II)

2: Bring me no more reports, let them fly all;
‘Til a chicken remove to other side of road
I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken?
Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know
All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus:
“Fear not, MacNugget; no chicken that’s born of hen
Shall e’er lay beak upon thee.” (Macbeth)

3: If it were done, when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly: if the crossing
Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch,
Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers
Might be the be-all and end-all here,
But here, at this corner of street and avenue,
We’d cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)

4: To cross, or not to cross? That is the question,
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The wheels and axles of the city’s mass transit
Or to take flight against a sea of motorists
And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep
No more! And by that peep to say we end
The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks
That chicken is heir to. ‘Tis a perambulation
Devoutly to be wish’d. (Hamlet)

Homer Simpson:
ohhhhhhhh Chicken…..

Bart Simpson:
It’s outta here, man!

Mrs. Slocum:
Now look what you’ve done, there’s chicken all over my pussy!

Kenneth Starr:
In view of President Clinton’s dealings with the Tyson Poultry
Company, the matter of the chicken crossing the road is under
investigation for its possible connection with the Whitewater affair.

George Steinbrenner:
Because I offered him a $4 million contract.

George Steinbrenner2:
Because I fired him!

George Steinbrenner3:
Because he’s now my new manager.

George Steinbrenner4:
Because I fired him again!

Dr. Suess:
See the end of this document for the full Dr. Suess version.

Sisyphus:
Was it pushing a rock, too?

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such
a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Mr. Spock:
It was not logical for the chicken to do so, but
I have frequently observed that the behaviour of chickens
is not logical

E.E. (Doc) Smith:
Your humble narrator can barely do justice to
this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether
of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good
and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly
approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.

Socrates:
To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Joseph Stalin:
It was clearly a conspiracy. Take all the chickens
out and shoot them. At Once!

John Steinbeck:
The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking
about, began to cross. It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed
that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken
reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which
lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of
the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll
would taste tonight.

Ben Stone (Law and Order):
Because the defendant made it, sir.

Oliver Stone:
He went back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the
left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the..

Dr. Strangelove:
Because it could not afford to be caught
on the wrong side of the road-side gap.

John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide
the transportation, so quite understandably
the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Grand Moff Tarkin:
Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this
thoroughfare!

Tim “The Toolman” Taylor:
This here bird’ll cross that road in no time flat, now that
I’ve made a few “special modifications! We’ve added the
Binford 7100 Multi-Purpose power unit, which I’ve souped up
by adding a United Aircraft PT-6 jet engine – Urrgh urrgh
urrgh! Heidi, bring out the chicken, please….

Alfred, Lord Tennyson:
So that it could sail beyond the sunset.

Old Testament:
And rooster and hen were married. And rooster did begat
chicken. And chicken did cross the road.

New Testament:
He among you who has not crossed roads, let him cast the first egg!

Margaret Thatcher:
There was simply no alternative!

Theodoric of York, the Medievil Barber:
Because of an imbalance of bodily humors caused
by an elf or small toad living in the chicken’s
stomach. What this fowl needs is a good bleeding.
Dylan Thomas:
To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

Hunter S. Thompson:
Why the &*%$#@ not?

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

Tiggr:
Because that’s what chickens do best!

Tiggr: (again)
That’s the wonderful thing about Chickens,
Chasing Chickens is FUN FUN FUN,
And the Wonderful thing about Chickens
Is that when crossing streets they RUN!

Tim, the Enchanter:
It’s got wings that… and a beak that… good god man, look at the bones!

Brian Tobin (new premier of Newfoundland):
It followed the cod….

J.R.R. Tolkein:
The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-
white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt
road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black
eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding
focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count-
less tires had worked their relentless tread through the
ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the
lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where
the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black
asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort
the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other
attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

Anthony Trollope:
Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darth Vader:
Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

George Washington:
I cannot tell a lie. I was going to chop it with
my little axe, so it crossed the road.

Mae West:
‘Cause I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Jerry White:
Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Walt Whitman:
To cluck the song of itself.

Robert Anton Wilson:
Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were
controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their
master plan to take over the world’s egg production.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third:
What do you two-bit quacks know about chickens? Did
you learn about them in medical school, or did you just read the comic book?

Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the
objects “chicken” and “road,” and circumstances
came into being which caused the
actualization of this potential occurrence.

Wittgenstein #2:
There are indeed things that cannot be put into words. They
make themselves manifest. They are what is mystical.

Wittgenstein #3:
What we cannot explain we must pass over in silence.

Tom Wolfe:
Kesey, muscles rippling under his shirt, a mysterious
smile on his face, surrounded by the Merry Pranksters,
placed the chicken at the road’s edge. The chicken paused
at the edge of the road, looking this way and that,
and then rending the air with a tremendous, “ba-BAAWWWWKKK!”
bolted across the road, its disheveled wings flapping
uselessly about, leaving a trail of feathers and dander
that, whenever two-ton chromium steel, 300 horsepower
tail-finned symbols of Detroit’s and America’s supremacy
passed, would swirl in a miniature version of a cyclone like
the ones Mr. and Mrs. America see on the TV news every
evening when he’s come home from work and she’s setting
the table for dinner, both only half paying attention
to the cyclones that devastate midwestern cow towns on
sweltering summer afternoons. And the heat, dander,
tornados, asphalt, tail-fins and the sweat of Mr.
and Mrs. America as they move mechanically in their daily
routine like the figurines in one of those huge medieval
clocks on some cathedral in some European town, moving in
the same way, every hour on the hour, it was all summed
up by the “ba-BAAWWWWKKK!” of a scampering chicken
accompanied by the “skritch, skritch” of its feet.

William Wordsworth:
To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Mr. Worf:
I do not know, Klingon chickens do NOT cross the road.

Molly Yard:
It was a hen!

Yoda:
Crossing the road makes not a chicken great

Henny Youngman:
Take this chicken … please.

Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could never reach the other side.

STAR TREK CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD TOO

Chakotay:
Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix:
Actually, Captain, I’m not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But–if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker:
I don’t know why, but I do know how: with pleasure, sir.

Garak:
To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I’m sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for…embezzling eggs.

Odo:
I don’t have the slightest idea–and I don’t particularly care…but then, I’ve never understood you ornithoids’ need to engage in such pointless behavior.

Quark:
Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.

Q:
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Too bad your puny human brain wouldn’t be able to comprehend the answer.

O’Brien:
Well, it’s nothing a good pint or two won’t fix.

Uhura:
Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V’Ger:
To join with the Creator.

Sulu:
To get back to San Franciso; it was born there.

Troi:
It was running…running away from…no, escaping…oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!

Kira:
I bet those damn Cardassians were after it!

Picard:
Dammit, that’s not for us to answer! It’s his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

Dr. Bashir:
I suppose it wanted to play some darts.

The Grand Nagus:
Stupid chicken! You don’t cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! (Inconceivable!)

Sisko:
I don’t care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know
is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to “get to the other
side”–there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!

Barclay:
Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?

Gul Dukat:
Well, that’s a very interesting question…I’m sure we
can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that
will be to everyone’s satisfaction.

The Borg:
Crossing the road is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg:
Maybe it wanted to be my friend.

Geordi:
Well, wherever it’s going, I’m sure it’ll be there in an hour
or two–but any later, and it’ll be absolutely impossible for it to
make it.

Jake:
To check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Gene Roddenberry:
To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

Kes:
It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed
roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using
them!

Wesley:
I’m not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems
and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit
on the computers and…

B’Elanna:
I’m sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of
[BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn’t stand it any longer!

Worf:
I don’t know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

Spock:
Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.

HoloDoc:
How should I know? No one tells me anything around here! I
didn’t even know we added chickens to the crew! All I know is that it
would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if
it had remembered to turn me off!

Data:
The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the
20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal
should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind
of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to
why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a
conveyance normally reserved for the usage of…yes, sir.

Sarek:
Sometimes my logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Dax:
To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I’m sure wouldn’t have had a clue,and then there’s…

Tuvok:
That’s not a question we’d prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Dr. Crusher:
Maybe since he couldn’t make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side….

Dr. Soran:
His heart just wasn’t in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Scotty:
Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Charlie X:
Because it didn’t want to STAY…STAY…STAY…

Kirk:
You chicken bastard, you killed my son…YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed…my SON…you CHICKEN bastard….youkilledmy…son!

Bones:
Dammit, I’m a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Tasha:
That depends…was it fully functional?

Chekov:
It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?

Khan:
With my last breath I spit at the chicken…

Harry:
I don’t know, it’s my first mission.

Paris:
Well, I think that…say, that’s a lovely shirt you’re wearing.

Harvey Mudd:
Chicken? I don’t remember any chicken. No no no, there’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

Crewman in red suit:
“Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!”

Nurse Chapel:
Oh, Spock, I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!

Lwaxana:
Oh, Jean-Luc!

Janeway:
Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant…and it probably misses its dog.

Dr. Suess:

Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I’ll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can’t fly.
Hey! It’s not bad, infact it’s neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.

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