jokes by famous people

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995.Top Ten Signs You’re Not Watching A Real Baseball Team
10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
8. They keep shouting “Do over!”
7. When umpire yells, “Strike 3!” batter looks at him as if the dude’s speaking French.
6. Try as they might, they just can’t scratch themselves like professionals.
5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts “Dinner time!”
3. Players constantly adjusting each other’s cups.
2. You overheard the coach yelling, “Run, Forrest, run!”
1. They play like the Mets

Top Ten Baseball Player Demands

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994. Top Ten Baseball Player Demands[In case anyone has od’ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

10. No team flights on Continental Airlines.
9. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
8. Make it legal to cork their pants.
7. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
6. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
5. Two words: Streisand tickets.
4. Every team has to have at least one player named “Mookie”.
3. Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
2. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna’s bed.
1. More games against the Mets.

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