Lawyer Jokes

How lawyer do it?

  • Lawyers do it with appeal.
  • Lawyers do it confidentially.
  • Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
  • Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
  • Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
  • Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Random FAQs about lawyers

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it,you get nothing.”

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down toground control with their list of demands and added that if their demandsweren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while yourealize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who knowthe judge.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

  • “How many can you afford?”
  • It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
  • Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting bystanding up and shouting “Objection!”
  • Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
  • Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off theladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
  • Three. One to sue the power company for insufficientlysupplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made thebulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired thehouse, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
  • Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, oneto object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one towrite interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change thebulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
  • None, lawyers only screw us.
  • You Might Be a Lawyer if…

    • you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
    • you believe that a forty words’ sentence is a short one.
    • you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
    • you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it’s verbal or written.
    • your other car is a BMW.
    • when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
    • when your wife says “I love you,” you cross-examine her.

    Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

    • He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
    • When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
    • He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
    • He tells you that he has never told a lie.
    • A big sign in his office says: “Don’t ask me.”
    • A prison guard is shaving your head.

    New Evidence

    The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying:”I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defence.”
    The judge asked, “What new evidence could you have?”
    The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”

    A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

    The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
    “No,” the coroner replied.

    The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heartbeat?”
    The coroner said, “No.”

    “Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
    Again the coroner replied, “No.”

    The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
    The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

    Never Question Hell’s Punishment

    A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

    “That’s unfair !” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

    “Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

    Satan fights for his engineer.

    An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,”So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
    God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake –he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

    Old man badly wants his money to his grave.

    An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.”Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

    At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

    “Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

    The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

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