occupational jokes

How lawyer do it?

  • Lawyers do it with appeal.
  • Lawyers do it confidentially.
  • Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
  • Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
  • Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
  • Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if …

  • your school’s cheers do not include “Defense, Defense!”
  • your team does not have a defensive coordinator
  • your team has two offensive coordinators
  • your score board has 3 digits for Home and Away scores
  • your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
  • you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the ‘bomb’
  • you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation
  • a ‘defensive back’ is on your state’s endangered species list
  • ‘Offensive Statistician’ is a Math degree at your school
  • at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized
  • your kickoff cover team also runs marathons
  • the phrase “you go long” appears on every page of your play book
  • your quarterback’s performance is rated in miles instead of yards
  • your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game
  • the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring
  • you think playing linebackers as safeties is a good idea
  • you think the words “pass rush” means that the quarterback threw too soon
  • you don’t know what a tackling dummy is
  • you play offensive guard because you just couldn’t catch passes like the tackles
  • you consider “the bomb” to be as efficient as running off tackle in any situation
  • the usual “2 Minute Drill” is renamed the “15 Minute Drill”
  • your team has defensive formations named “Red Snoopy”, “Sieve”, and “Far From Stopping”
  • your Strong Safety is Al Bundy’s brother except he let the other team score 4 touchdowns in every game
  • your alma mater has school offensive categories such as: o “Number of Passes Thrown On the Run” o “Number of Bombs Attempted” o “Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball”
  • your team’s Quarterback is also the track team’s Javelin Thrower
  • you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team
  • you think the ‘Wishbone’ is part of a Turkey
  • you think a ‘Triple Option Quarterback’ is one who opts to: 1. throw the bomb, or 2. throw the bomb, or 3. throw it away
  • you think ‘sieve’ is a standard reference to defensive backs
  • the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen, before halftime
  • you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights
  • more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game
  • speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40
  • it’s standard practice to re-turf the field after a home game
  • your recruiters are ex-marathon runners
  • your band uses substitutions
  • your band doubles as a scrimmage team
  • any band member is know a starter
  • at any point during the game you need a computer to figure out the combinations of field goals and touchdowns you’re down by
  • you’re up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words “We’ve blown bigger leads than this.” keep echoing through your mind
  • it regularly takes your receivers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle after each play
  • you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle
  • when some-one says “…carry the ball in the breadbasket…” you give them a blank stare
  • you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software, related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season
  • you’re more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average
  • you’re more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for passes or passing yards attempted
  • any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play
  • you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest
  • air traffic controllers can watch the game on their radar screens
  • you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more offense
  • you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your defense on the field
  • you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have doubled over in laughter
  • the only drug the team doctor carries is “amphetamines”
  • your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your team declines the penalty
  • your team’s water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the field during a time out
  • the under-over betting line is more than 100 points
  • the “Hail Mary” is on page 1 of your playbook
  • the word ‘Defense’ is confused with the trailer-park phrase “Da Fence”
  • your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a time-out because the whole offensive line is confused
  • your team considers a ‘running play’ as a live show that is currently at the Orpheum Theater
  • the first line of your recruiting brochure is “Have you ever thought of being a wide receiver?”
  • the words “This is not missprint” appear with your box scores
  • your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one order of magnitude
  • keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts
  • your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint
  • your new defensive coordinator just came off a successful season in Pee-Wee league
  • you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team from another conference

An example of how to get an idea for your thesis.

There is a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle, and walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

Three men in heaven.

Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter questioned each man:

St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ? First man: 210. St. Peter: Wow! That’s really high, maybe we should discuss the Theory of Relativity sometime.

St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ? Second man: 170. St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime.

St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ? Third man: 70. St. Peter: Well… How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?

Teacher’s Strike

Heard on Jay Leno:And here in L.A., there’s talk of a teachers’ strike. You know, if they ever strike, here’s what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.

Education Jokes

  • The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want mustard with that?”
  • What Year are You?
    When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded “Ah, you’re Freshmen.”
    He explained. “When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it’s Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it’s Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it’s juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it’s seniors.”
    “When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it’s graduate students.”
  • The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did youlearn today?”
    The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
  • On a bright spring morning, four high school seniors decided to skip all their morning classes. They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher a very longwinded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems they’d encountered in getting it fixed.
    To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the story. She just smiled and said, “I’d like you to make up a test you missed this morning. Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens.”
    When the boys were ready, the teacher said, “Each of you answer the following question: Which tire was flat?”
  • A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway:
    Hire college students, while they still know everything.
  • The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.
    “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father,”is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”
  • From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988:
    The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May,but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state wasmisspelled ‘Wisconson’.
  • The Professor enters the classroom, looks around, and bids his charges a hearty”Good Morning!”
    The freshmen respond with, “Good morning, Professor!”
    Thesophomores mutter, “Morning!”
    The juniors grunt.
    And the seniors simply writedown the Professor’s greeting into their notes.
  • Reminds me of the one where the professor is droning away in the huge lecturehall when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.
    The professorshouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”
    The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”
  • Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited andtalking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
    After hearingthem for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, “You men Harvard graduates?”
    “Yes Sir! Class of ’94!” they answered proudly.
    The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, “Class of’58.”
  • A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal.
    In my college dorm, we play ‘Assassin,’ like lots of students. Unlike mostpeople though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if youhit your target there’s never an argument about whether you really hit thembecause, well, they’re covered with Silly String(tm). But for those two weeks, you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, eveninto classrooms where you’re automatically safe.
    So there I was in thisPsychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly String atthe ready while the professor lectured.
    The class was Psychology Of Group Behavior and the professor was describingour next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspokenrules of a group, i.e. you don’t grab someone else’s dining-hall tray and starteating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a groupnorm blatantly and intentionally and then write a little two-page paper aboutit.
    And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle, and gets up on the stagewith the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless tosay everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down thehouse.
    He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
  • Professor: I’m dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietlynot to wake up the other classes.
  • This maybe something of a ‘college legend’, but I heard it as true:
    A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: “Whatis courage?”
    The student wrote: “This”, signed it, and turned it in. I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
  • While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Educationbecame provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
    Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to bedoing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him inthe corner.
    A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded,”Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”
  • “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said thesarcastic lecturer.
    After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
    “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired thelecturer with a sneer.
    “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standingup there all by yourself.”
  • A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentarydrawing of himself on the blackboard.
    Fuming, he asked the class joker in thefront row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?”
    The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but Istrongly suspect its parents.”
  • Student: What’s your opinion on the paper I submitted last week?
    Professor: It’s absolute drivel.
    Student: I know, but let’s hear it anyway.
  • A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class andopened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill.The only thing written in the book was “$100 = 100% – I get an A.”
    A month later, the student approached the professor. “I don’t understand,”he said. “I failed the course. Didn’t you read my final?”
    The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it toreveal $50 and the phrase “$50 = 50% – You fail!”
  • One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor’s office. This undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee “accidentally”, etc. Finally, the undergraduate said, “Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest.”
    The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, “Anything?”
    To which the undergradute cooed, “Yes, anything you say.”
    After some brief reflection, the professor asked, “What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?”
    The student lied, “Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.”
    The professor then advised, “Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that.”
  • Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
    Billy: Who, me?
    Teacher: Very good!
  • An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in.
    The professor looked at him and said, “Don’t bother to hand that paper in… you get a zero for continuing after the bell.”
    The guy looked at him and said, “Professor, do you know who I am!!”
    The professor replied, “No, and I don’t care if your dad is president of the United States…you get a zero on this exam”
    The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, “You mean you have no idea who I am???”
    The professor responded, “No, I’ve no idea who you think you are.”
    With that, the guy said “Good!”, plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!

Random FAQs about lawyers

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it,you get nothing.”

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down toground control with their list of demands and added that if their demandsweren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while yourealize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who knowthe judge.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

  • “How many can you afford?”
  • It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
  • Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting bystanding up and shouting “Objection!”
  • Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
  • Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off theladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
  • Three. One to sue the power company for insufficientlysupplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made thebulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired thehouse, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
  • Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, oneto object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one towrite interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change thebulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
  • None, lawyers only screw us.
  • You Might Be a Lawyer if…

    • you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
    • you believe that a forty words’ sentence is a short one.
    • you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
    • you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it’s verbal or written.
    • your other car is a BMW.
    • when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
    • when your wife says “I love you,” you cross-examine her.

    Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

    • He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
    • When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
    • He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
    • He tells you that he has never told a lie.
    • A big sign in his office says: “Don’t ask me.”
    • A prison guard is shaving your head.

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