personality jokes

Cow Branding…

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. “Well,” said the would be cattleman, “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.” “But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked. “None survived the branding.”

Massage Parlour Parrot

Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said:
“Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!”
Later that day the woman’s two daughters arrived home from high school.Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:
“Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!”
Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked:
“Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G’day Jimmy!”

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able totype, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We arean Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged histail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to beable to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page andtrotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back onthe chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “Thesign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced asample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at thedog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and havesome interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw onthe sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

8-iron

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter Ben?”

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

When to quit golf?

Most golfers develop a lust for the game, some become very successful,some just never make it all work out. The following are some signs of when it is time toquit, particularly when your flight mates keep asking if you like bowling all the time.Unfortunately, as I type this, I notice some bad signs for myself.

  1. Your first putt is further from the cup than your chip
  2. You have had three putts and your flight mates tell you that your still away.
  3. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.
  4. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equiptment in your bag.
  5. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.
  6. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.
  7. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet fron the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.
  8. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.
  9. That starter leave a one hour gap after your tee off time.
  10. Your first putt ends up longer than your short approach chip.
  11. When you call fore on a par three everyone runs to the green for safety.
  12. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

“How about a little head?”

A man walked into a bar one evening, evoking a gasp from all who were there.The man’s head was extremely undersized in relation to his body. He seemed to not be bothered by it at all. He spent great sums of money in the bar treating all the guests to several rounds. The bartender struck up a conversation with the disfigured man and at last the subject came around to the mans deformity. He relayed this story: One day, I was out hunting and came upon the strangest sight I had ever beheld. There was this extremely beautiful winged woman pinned under the fallen branch of a tree. I immediately removed the large branch freeing her. She told me she was a fairy and that for saving her she would grant me three wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever want and a large house. I was having trouble coming up with the third wish when I looked her up and down and said my third wish was to have hours of passionate sex with her.She said that it was not possible. Trying to compromise, I asked if my third wish could be to just simply grope around on her body for a while. She said that too was impossible. She further stated that I could not touch her but that she could touch me. The idea immediately sprang into my mind but my choice of words was my undoing, “How about a little head?!”

Ugly Them To Death.

Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people. I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I never saw him bring a gun. One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels. He said, “No, I just ugly them to death.” Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done. Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel’s attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel. To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground,dead as a doornail. I told Thibodeaux, “It is hard to believe anybody can do that!” He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, “As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don’t let her hunt anymore, ’cause she messes up the meat too bad.”

Risks Of A Modern Weatherman Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged

A wind profiler in OAR’s Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern Nebraska and came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL) technician who was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the technician’s partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler really was. The hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended by law enforcement officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000.

Two Moose In A Plane Experiment

Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them:”I’ll be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?” One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: “Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.” One of the hunters replies: “Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a*big* tip to take both moose out.” The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet,10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: “Where the Hell are we?” The other looks around and replies: “About 100 yards further than we got last year!”

He got the cow!

From the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman’s, Rt.1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. (supposedly true) A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?” The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car. While walking back,however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”

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