relationship jokes

Don’t mess with hunters.

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. It’s early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, “Now, remember these woods have allot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot one, run rightover to it and guard it with your life. If you don’t someone else will.” The wife nods okay. “And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. I’ll be over as soon as I can.” And again the wife nods okay. “Now, this is what we’re going to do. See that ridge to your right. You’re going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left.” They both agree and go to their blinds. About thirty minutes after sunrise,the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He thinks to himself, “Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!” Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the otherridge. He thinks, “Oh, great. Now she’s in trouble.” Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge. As he reached the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man withher gun. The husband gingerly walked up to them and said, “Alright, what’s going on here!?!” Promptly the other man looks at the husband and says, “Look, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just let me get the saddle off first.”

Don’t laugh on dad.

Henry’s son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. “Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then,while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away.” “Now come on, David,” his mother said, “a big boy like you shouldn’t be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off.” “But that’s just what I did, mommy.”

Husband goes fishing.

One man’s hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. “What a terrible weather today, honey.” he said to her. “Yes. And my idiot went fishing!”

Does she cook?

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

Is there a lawyer in the house?

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, “Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?”

“Well, dad,” answered the son, “did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?'”

Ten Years Fund Gone

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you’ve been working on for ten years!”

His father responded: “You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!”

Ms. Martin meets her gynecologist

Ms. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her 4th marriage. After the examination the physician seemed confused. “You’re a virgin. How is that possible?”

“My 1st husband was a psychiatrist,” she explained. “He analyzed it all the time. My 2nd was an English Lit. Professor. He wrote about it all the time. My 3rd husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it. But now I’m marrying a lawyer,” she said with a smile, “so I know I’ll get screwed.”

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