You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if …

  • your school’s cheers do not include “Defense, Defense!”
  • your team does not have a defensive coordinator
  • your team has two offensive coordinators
  • your score board has 3 digits for Home and Away scores
  • your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
  • you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the ‘bomb’
  • you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation
  • a ‘defensive back’ is on your state’s endangered species list
  • ‘Offensive Statistician’ is a Math degree at your school
  • at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized
  • your kickoff cover team also runs marathons
  • the phrase “you go long” appears on every page of your play book
  • your quarterback’s performance is rated in miles instead of yards
  • your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game
  • the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring
  • you think playing linebackers as safeties is a good idea
  • you think the words “pass rush” means that the quarterback threw too soon
  • you don’t know what a tackling dummy is
  • you play offensive guard because you just couldn’t catch passes like the tackles
  • you consider “the bomb” to be as efficient as running off tackle in any situation
  • the usual “2 Minute Drill” is renamed the “15 Minute Drill”
  • your team has defensive formations named “Red Snoopy”, “Sieve”, and “Far From Stopping”
  • your Strong Safety is Al Bundy’s brother except he let the other team score 4 touchdowns in every game
  • your alma mater has school offensive categories such as: o “Number of Passes Thrown On the Run” o “Number of Bombs Attempted” o “Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball”
  • your team’s Quarterback is also the track team’s Javelin Thrower
  • you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team
  • you think the ‘Wishbone’ is part of a Turkey
  • you think a ‘Triple Option Quarterback’ is one who opts to: 1. throw the bomb, or 2. throw the bomb, or 3. throw it away
  • you think ‘sieve’ is a standard reference to defensive backs
  • the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen, before halftime
  • you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights
  • more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game
  • speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40
  • it’s standard practice to re-turf the field after a home game
  • your recruiters are ex-marathon runners
  • your band uses substitutions
  • your band doubles as a scrimmage team
  • any band member is know a starter
  • at any point during the game you need a computer to figure out the combinations of field goals and touchdowns you’re down by
  • you’re up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words “We’ve blown bigger leads than this.” keep echoing through your mind
  • it regularly takes your receivers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle after each play
  • you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle
  • when some-one says “…carry the ball in the breadbasket…” you give them a blank stare
  • you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software, related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season
  • you’re more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average
  • you’re more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for passes or passing yards attempted
  • any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play
  • you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest
  • air traffic controllers can watch the game on their radar screens
  • you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more offense
  • you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your defense on the field
  • you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have doubled over in laughter
  • the only drug the team doctor carries is “amphetamines”
  • your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your team declines the penalty
  • your team’s water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the field during a time out
  • the under-over betting line is more than 100 points
  • the “Hail Mary” is on page 1 of your playbook
  • the word ‘Defense’ is confused with the trailer-park phrase “Da Fence”
  • your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a time-out because the whole offensive line is confused
  • your team considers a ‘running play’ as a live show that is currently at the Orpheum Theater
  • the first line of your recruiting brochure is “Have you ever thought of being a wide receiver?”
  • the words “This is not missprint” appear with your box scores
  • your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one order of magnitude
  • keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts
  • your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint
  • your new defensive coordinator just came off a successful season in Pee-Wee league
  • you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team from another conference

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